dont look at me in that tone of voice...
so ive come to the point where im bored as hell in my relationship with mike. i know its bad n shtuff, but it ALWAYS happens to me, no matter what. well, there was one guy that i KNOW i couldnt be bored with, ever, but he's not available nor will he ever be again cuz he's found someone else that he wants to be with for the rest of his life, and even though i hate her for that, i still gotta respect it. AND I HATE THAT... so i was sitting around the other day, and i started thinking to myself, why are you giving your life away now? you're only 18.. then i answered myself, well ive screwed around enough, i started developing my 'skillz' when i was in 5th grade.. i peaked in high school and then after that it started snowballing downward really really quickly, cuz i thought i was done being the fuck-up... but im not, im really really not, i still want to get out there and screw around and be the bitch and not have to worry about what's gonna happen the next day cuz i wont care, i wont ever see that guy again, or whatever... im not ready to be the wifey staying at home with 5 kids while mike goes out and works to support us and have the happy home neither of us had. im not ready to give my entire life to someone who just had the epiphany in december, after 5 years, that he loves me. im not ready to give up my prime young years for making a home for the both of us... i cant do it. i thought i could, but now that the stars in my eyes have disappeared im beginning to see the reality of it all, and im not liking it at all...
then i cant get the other guy outta my head. ok no one else is gonna read this, so ill just call him by Andrew.. its like, he's fucked me over so many times and i still dont care. i mean, i DO care, its fucked up that he did that, but i still love him, esp. when he comes back after ive told him to fuck off and he tells me that he 'loves' me... and throws in a 'babygirl'... i dont know what to think about him... i know im waaayyy over here and he's way over there about to get married n shtuff, and it makes me sick that i still care for him so much, but he was the first guy i ever fell in love with, truly, and i hate that i still love him... Andy... i hate him. i love him. i love to hate him. i hate to love him. but i do. all of it, i do. i wish i could make it all go away, just start all over without any of this cloudiness in my head....
"You sink into my clothes
This invasion makes me feel so
Worthless
Helpless
Sick....
Let me live without this
Empty Bliss
Selfishness
I'm so sick..."
Over-it-ly,
*~Charli~*