(no subject)
we had to put Lara to sleep today. her liver was broken, and other systems were starting to fail. she was only 9 years old, and besides megamyrin, she's my oldest friend.
we're having her cremated and i feel slightly comforted knowing her remains will be nearby. i never knew if i was that sort of person - i guess i am.
i was completely broken up all yesterday afternoon and evening, alternating between bouts of restless energy and crying. i've never had to put a pet to sleep before, and the ethical implications were new and overwhelming.
this morning was hardest. i spent time with her, but it was painful, knowing i would shortly be responsible for the manner in which she died.
i held her on the table at the vet's office. they found a vein and gave her a shot. i felt her last breath. it was like a sigh. she passed very quickly - her body didn't have much life left in it.
danny and i both lost it for a little bit, and i'm glad we had each other at that moment.
i didn't look at her again, after her soul was gone - i refused to remember her lifeless and still. in my mind's eye, she will always be energetic, defiant, obnoxious.
danny told me to take today off, and i guess i'm glad i did. i certainly feel out of sorts and i don't know what to do with myself.
lara is the first person (to me she was a person in a small furry body) i've lost who was very close to me. not only that, i helped her pass over. emotionally, this is very heavy stuff for me.
mostly, though, i'm surprised that i feel calm. not happy, not energetic, but i'm not crying or weeping or struggling with huge roiling emotions like i was as early as this morning. danny says it's because lara is out of pain now, no longer struggling, and i suppose that's true. i don't know much of anything right now, other than the house feels very empty without her.
sometime soon i'm going to take the pictures isaac made for me out of their box and put them up somewhere. i'm also going to go through all the lara pictures we have (and there are many) and make a photo album in iphoto. apple prints them in really nice book formats and that way all the best times will be close at hand. danny, who has been through the grief process more than myself, says i shouldn't do those things today, and again, i suppose he's right.
i just wish i knew what i should be doing.
i miss you, Lara, but you will always live on in this household, because we love you so very, very much, even if you can't be here with us. i don't know where you went, or where any of us go, but if there is an afterlife of any sort, i know i'll see you there.
we're having her cremated and i feel slightly comforted knowing her remains will be nearby. i never knew if i was that sort of person - i guess i am.
i was completely broken up all yesterday afternoon and evening, alternating between bouts of restless energy and crying. i've never had to put a pet to sleep before, and the ethical implications were new and overwhelming.
this morning was hardest. i spent time with her, but it was painful, knowing i would shortly be responsible for the manner in which she died.
i held her on the table at the vet's office. they found a vein and gave her a shot. i felt her last breath. it was like a sigh. she passed very quickly - her body didn't have much life left in it.
danny and i both lost it for a little bit, and i'm glad we had each other at that moment.
i didn't look at her again, after her soul was gone - i refused to remember her lifeless and still. in my mind's eye, she will always be energetic, defiant, obnoxious.
danny told me to take today off, and i guess i'm glad i did. i certainly feel out of sorts and i don't know what to do with myself.
lara is the first person (to me she was a person in a small furry body) i've lost who was very close to me. not only that, i helped her pass over. emotionally, this is very heavy stuff for me.
mostly, though, i'm surprised that i feel calm. not happy, not energetic, but i'm not crying or weeping or struggling with huge roiling emotions like i was as early as this morning. danny says it's because lara is out of pain now, no longer struggling, and i suppose that's true. i don't know much of anything right now, other than the house feels very empty without her.
sometime soon i'm going to take the pictures isaac made for me out of their box and put them up somewhere. i'm also going to go through all the lara pictures we have (and there are many) and make a photo album in iphoto. apple prints them in really nice book formats and that way all the best times will be close at hand. danny, who has been through the grief process more than myself, says i shouldn't do those things today, and again, i suppose he's right.
i just wish i knew what i should be doing.
i miss you, Lara, but you will always live on in this household, because we love you so very, very much, even if you can't be here with us. i don't know where you went, or where any of us go, but if there is an afterlife of any sort, i know i'll see you there.