Black Wednesday
I came home to avoid nights like this. I know I got a friend back I thought I lost, and can't say "no one cares", but he wasn't there tonight and no one else was and my mind went into all its bad places. It's been going there a lot lately. Like every night.
I'm having trouble seeing a future. I have two women who really like me. The problem is neither of them live in Milwaukee and I know I like both of them...but I don't love either of them. I've loved once in my life, and I always feel that true love happens once or it isn't true. I always want to be proven wrong. I'm always trying. But I never feel it. Why even bother to be successful when you'll never have someone to provide for? No real love, no children..?
And then come nights like tonight. Everyone else is here, but they're all far away. And I realize this is the rest of my life. I need someone to make me feel better. Everyone does. No one wants to die alone. But that person doesn't exist, and eventually all the people I love will either die or make new lives without me. Many have already. All I can do most nights is drink. I can numb out, then eventually I feel too numb, and I need to get drunk and sad so I can feel actual emotion for once. I'd like, just for one night before I drink myself to death, to feel that I love someone who loves me back. I'd like to know what that feels like. If the person who I love is reading this - I wish I could have kept this inside where you couldn't see it. I'm sorry that I love you because it's caused you so much personal strain that you don't deserve. I decided the most important thing was for you to be happy. I wanted you to think that I didn't love you anymore, that I was happy - because then you would be happy, you wouldn't be feeling bad for me anymore.
I started watching Welcome to the Dollhouse for the first time a few days ago. Every few minutes I had to pause it and pace around the house in a rage. It's been more difficult for me to get through this movie than Schindler's List. And tonight I feel like all the motherfuckers from before high school are there laughing at me. They all told me I was stupid and worthless and I would never be anything. Less than a year ago I saw myself as a failure socially, romantically, and professionally (day job and artistically). How much farther have I come? I'm sure the person I love will think my music should be everything, even if I feel lonely. But I play a lot nowadays, and it seems like nobody cares. What good is art if it doesn't help people or make them feel good? I don't want to prove them right, but I'm so tired. I don't know what else I can do with my life.
There are only five people who keep me breathing. One of them, I hardly ever see. Three I see once every week or two, but not enough. One is someone I can't open up to due to pride. The other two are just never there when I need them. I REALLY hate this because the last 4 years have been me meeting people and them acting like they really like me, then suddenly they tell me (if I'm LUCKY they tell me) that they never want to see me again. Anyway... And the fifth is my mother. She keeps me alive due to guilt, not necessarily because I actually like her. The only reason she acts like she loves me, acts like she's interested, makes herself proud of me, is because it keeps her from hating herself.
But I'm always intruding. Always pestering. And I hate that this night has gotten me so distraught that I need to write in this again. "Look at me! Look at me!" How fucking juvenile. How pathetic.
I'm having trouble seeing a future. I have two women who really like me. The problem is neither of them live in Milwaukee and I know I like both of them...but I don't love either of them. I've loved once in my life, and I always feel that true love happens once or it isn't true. I always want to be proven wrong. I'm always trying. But I never feel it. Why even bother to be successful when you'll never have someone to provide for? No real love, no children..?
And then come nights like tonight. Everyone else is here, but they're all far away. And I realize this is the rest of my life. I need someone to make me feel better. Everyone does. No one wants to die alone. But that person doesn't exist, and eventually all the people I love will either die or make new lives without me. Many have already. All I can do most nights is drink. I can numb out, then eventually I feel too numb, and I need to get drunk and sad so I can feel actual emotion for once. I'd like, just for one night before I drink myself to death, to feel that I love someone who loves me back. I'd like to know what that feels like. If the person who I love is reading this - I wish I could have kept this inside where you couldn't see it. I'm sorry that I love you because it's caused you so much personal strain that you don't deserve. I decided the most important thing was for you to be happy. I wanted you to think that I didn't love you anymore, that I was happy - because then you would be happy, you wouldn't be feeling bad for me anymore.
I started watching Welcome to the Dollhouse for the first time a few days ago. Every few minutes I had to pause it and pace around the house in a rage. It's been more difficult for me to get through this movie than Schindler's List. And tonight I feel like all the motherfuckers from before high school are there laughing at me. They all told me I was stupid and worthless and I would never be anything. Less than a year ago I saw myself as a failure socially, romantically, and professionally (day job and artistically). How much farther have I come? I'm sure the person I love will think my music should be everything, even if I feel lonely. But I play a lot nowadays, and it seems like nobody cares. What good is art if it doesn't help people or make them feel good? I don't want to prove them right, but I'm so tired. I don't know what else I can do with my life.
There are only five people who keep me breathing. One of them, I hardly ever see. Three I see once every week or two, but not enough. One is someone I can't open up to due to pride. The other two are just never there when I need them. I REALLY hate this because the last 4 years have been me meeting people and them acting like they really like me, then suddenly they tell me (if I'm LUCKY they tell me) that they never want to see me again. Anyway... And the fifth is my mother. She keeps me alive due to guilt, not necessarily because I actually like her. The only reason she acts like she loves me, acts like she's interested, makes herself proud of me, is because it keeps her from hating herself.
But I'm always intruding. Always pestering. And I hate that this night has gotten me so distraught that I need to write in this again. "Look at me! Look at me!" How fucking juvenile. How pathetic.