deaf and dumb and done.

[pretentiousfvck]

so i finally make a friend, right, and she's really really cool and we have so much in common that it almost itches and i have someone to hang out with but now she's moving back to canada. i wonder why i have no luck. im just so sick of spending all of my weekends at home by myself, and im sick of never getting any phonecalls and im sick of walking through the halls at school and no one even knows i fucking exist. its like torture, to see everyone talking and laughing, or even fighting. i wish i had someone to fight with, thats how desperate i am. this loneliness is killing me. i cant help but blame myself for the distance that has grown between my friends and i. i mean, when isnt it my fault? i want something else to close my eyes to. the last time anyone called me was two weeks ago. im miserable. i can feel myself slowly slipping downhill again. you know, sometimes im happy that i didnt die, but most of the time im just so pissed off. im some stupid fuck who cant even pull a suicide. im useless, ask anyone. they'll tell you.

i sometimes feel so disconnected from the rest of the world. like i could fall off the face of the earth and no one would even realize im gone. i have so much love for so many people and they dont want it. its the most painful thing knowing that you love a person who will never love you back.
fortunately, she tells herself, "you are what you love, not what loves you."