(no subject)
it's been almost a year since i've updated this thing. and it leaves me with such a sinking feeling to realize- to see in written words- that a year has gone by and virtually nothing has changed. he's still with HER. i had always been his longest relationship. and i was hoping that his involvement with this girl was just a fling... but it's been almost a year. and the thought of him actually being in love with her... actually having traditions and quirks and special memories with her... it still makes me absolutely crazy. still.
i haven't been completely frozen in time. i've gotten an apartment here with holly and lulah. i've started working for an independent newspaper here. i've been filling up my time with all kinds of positive hobbies. and i've even dated a couple guys VERY casually. but they're not him. no one will ever be him. i'm not a martyr. i just know what i know. and i know i will always be incomplete as long as he's not here. i will always be extremely conscious of every hour and every minute and every second because it's just one more interval of time that he is not a part of my life. and it's just... incorrect. it's actually physically mentally factually incorrect.
i went on a date this past saturday night with this guy named nathan. he was really sweet and respectful, but i would smell or hear or see something that reminded me of dallas, and i don't know... that boy will always get to me. he will ALWAYS reduce me to tears. for the rest of my life. i'm tearing up right now just thinking about it... he is EVERYTHING. everything to me. he is everything i ever wanted. and he's not in my life. and i have no one to blame but myself. it's amazing how completely unbearable it is to live with yourself when you have such a severe underlying hatred for everything you became.
people can change. and it is so so SO FUCKING tragic when the person you've become isn't given a chance because of the person you were.
i haven't been completely frozen in time. i've gotten an apartment here with holly and lulah. i've started working for an independent newspaper here. i've been filling up my time with all kinds of positive hobbies. and i've even dated a couple guys VERY casually. but they're not him. no one will ever be him. i'm not a martyr. i just know what i know. and i know i will always be incomplete as long as he's not here. i will always be extremely conscious of every hour and every minute and every second because it's just one more interval of time that he is not a part of my life. and it's just... incorrect. it's actually physically mentally factually incorrect.
i went on a date this past saturday night with this guy named nathan. he was really sweet and respectful, but i would smell or hear or see something that reminded me of dallas, and i don't know... that boy will always get to me. he will ALWAYS reduce me to tears. for the rest of my life. i'm tearing up right now just thinking about it... he is EVERYTHING. everything to me. he is everything i ever wanted. and he's not in my life. and i have no one to blame but myself. it's amazing how completely unbearable it is to live with yourself when you have such a severe underlying hatred for everything you became.
people can change. and it is so so SO FUCKING tragic when the person you've become isn't given a chance because of the person you were.