[exo] rip my heart out, shatter my soul ( i'll be fine )
|| kris x yixing, implied joonmyun x yixing | pg | angst, bittersweet romance ||
warning: #HowToGrammar // disclaimer: copyright infringement not intended whatsoever.
summary: the stars are telling a different story from what i know. it's time to let go.
a/n: uh yeah..a writing exercise-of-sorts /shrugs/ enjoy?
***
rip my heart out, shatter my soul (i'll be fine) ;;;
Gazing directly into the eyes of the man who was the keeper of his heart once upon a time, Yixing lets out a soft sigh.
“What do you want, Yifan?”
Quirking one of his impressive eyebrows, the corners of Kris’ mouth lift up fractionally in a small smile.
“What makes you think I want something? Can’t I just treat the man I love to a dinner?” he asks softly - amusement evident in his deep baritone voice.
Yixing lets out another sigh, this time deep with weary resignation. “Yifan, I already told you - “
“I miss you so much Xing. Please come back to me.”
The younger boy’s clear brown orbs roamed over every single inch of that heartbreakingly handsome face in front of him, as if he wanted to burn the image of the elder into his memory. Kris had desperation and longing etched into his facial features as he stared back at Yixing, expression in his deep-set eyes strong and unwavering. Piercing.
Silence, thick with unsaid words, flowed between and around the two young men until the brown haired one tore his gaze away- eyes stinging with unshed tears.
Fleeting seconds that felt very much like unending hours passed as Yixing took in deep breaths in an attempt to calm himself down, tilting his head back to blink back the tears that were threatening to fall any moment.
And when he turns to look back at Kris, the older boy sees the watery sheen over those eyes he loves so much, that pair of alive and dancing eyes that had him falling all those years ago. His heart ached, he felt physically pained at the sight of Yixing biting down on his trembling bottom lip, trying so hard not to cry. Yixing was a man full of pride - he wouldn’t break down in front of anybody if he could help it. Kris had loved that stubborn streak in him, still does.
Kris also knew that behind that strong exterior, Yixing was fragile. Despite exuding the aura of being unbreakable, Yixing was also extremely prone to shattering - very much so. At times like these, when the young man is at the very brink of falling, what he needs most is a pair of arms around him. Reassuring him that he’s not alone, that he doesn’t have to face his problems by himself. That there’s someone by his side.
Kris was the one Yixing had sought out in the past, Kris was the one who wrapped his strong arms around the lean body, Kris was the one who pressed him close and kissed his tears away. Kris was..Yixing’s pillar of strength, Yixing’s source of light in the pits of darkness. Kris was once Yixing’s everything.
Not anymore, he whispers under his breath. Kris knows, deep down in his aching heart, that his place has been taken over by another. The coveted position belongs to someone else now. And he hates it, he loathes it. He was the one who’s supposed to be by Yixing’s side, the stars had once told him.
But Kris isn’t unreasonable or blind, he sees that Yixing’s heart now belonged to another man, and he understands - he does, really. It isn’t anyone’s fault that the stars have now aligned differently than how they had before, it isn’t anyone’s fault that Yixing’s red thread was now entangled with Joonmyun’s and not his. It hurts - of course it does, it hurts so much, but Kris understands, he understands that Yixing is not his anymore.
Cold hard truth is like a bitter pill and unfortunately, it doesn’t really matter nor will it change anything even if Kris is unwilling to swallow it. Because at the end of everything, truth always prevails, and all the illusions will be left to fade away. And this is why he chooses to face and accept the fact now, no matter how grudgingly, rather than lie and deceive himself anymore. Kris knows he’s better than that.
Yixing was fighting with himself internally, Kris can see it. The younger boy was breaking down right before his very eyes, and Kris wants so much to hug him. He wants nothing more than to wrap his arms around the boy and to whisper words of assurance into his ears, to kiss the pain away. He knows that it isn’t his place anymore, so he clenches his shaking hands into tight white-knuckled fists, and tries to ignore the sting in his eyes and the burn in his nose. The breaking of his shattered heart.
Taking in a shaky breath, Yixing reaches over the table and strokes Kris’ left cheek. “Yifan, I’m sorry. I-I can’t..” A solitary tear falls and he sniffs, the small sound shooting straight through to Kris’ soul. “I cannot come back to you. I’m sorry.”
There’s nothing but stark desperation and apology in the depths of his eyes as he continues to look at Kris. Desperation for the elder to understand, to understand that he’s truly sorry for hurting him - for putting him through so much pain and heartbreak.
Kris takes in a shaky breath of his own and lets his eyes fall shut. He knows the answer the question he was going to ask, he knows that the answer will bring him more pain but Kris has always been a masochist. When he opens his eyes, there are tears. Yixing’s teary orbs widen immediately - Kris never cries. The older of the two boys pushes away the stabbing in his chest and parts his lips.
“Why?” The one word comes out broken - very much like how he’s feeling, and Kris has to resist the urge to wince at how weak his voice sounded. He was a team leader; he was supposed to be strength personified. “Why can’t you come back to me? D-don’t you love me anymore?”
Yixing gazes at Kris, unreadable expression in his glassy eyes. He slowly retracts his hand from Kris’ face, and sinks back into his seat. Entire body slumping, he shakes his head slowly and whispers.
“I’ll always love you, Yifan. Always. Please don’t doubt it. I just - “ he inhales deeply before continuing. “We don’t belong to each other anymore.”
This is it, game over for Wu Yifan. “But why? We were together for years Yixing, years. Please don’t tell me they mean nothing to you.”
“Ge, all I wanted is to spend the rest of my life beside you, to grow old with you. But now, now I’m going to give Joonmyun my heart.”
Kris sees the tears, the agony and sorrow in Yixing’s eyes. That’s enough Yifan. It’s over, live with it. He doesn’t want to go back to you.
“What does Joonmyun have that I don’t? He - We had our lives planned out together, remember?! Yixing, please. What happened? Why are you doing this to me?!”
Kris knows that whatever he says now won’t change a thing, won’t alter destiny. He’s showing weakness by choosing to fight a losing battle. Kris is..he’s stepping on thin ice, testing Yixing’s patience. But he has to try, he’s not willing to give up without trying, he can’t.
“You left Kris, you left. That’s what happened. And then when the letters stopped coming, you died. You were dead not only to me, but to the whole nation. I moved on, Kris. Took me a while, but I managed it. I moved on.”
The words are soft, but it feels like a thousand jagged glass shards flying simultaneously at Kris - piercing through skin and slicing past flesh. Numbing what’s left of his heart, shattering his soul. He looks at the boy in front of him. Yixing had called him “Kris” not “Yifan” - not his birth name. There’s a glint in his eyes, which meant one thing and one thing only.
Kris sighs heavily. It really is over now. I tried, but now it’s time to let go.
“I’m sorry, your highness. I was out of line, forgive me.”
The look in Yixing’s eyes visibly softened at the words as he hurries to say, “How many times do I have to tell you not to call me that?”
Kris looks down at his hands lying on his lap and mutters, “You started it. You called me Kris first.”
Soft laughter rang in the air before there’s the sound of chair legs scrapping tiled floor, and then Yixing is standing beside Kris’ chair. The older boy hurries to stand up as well.
“Yifan, can I - can I ask you for a favour?”
Forcing a smile on his face, Kris hopes that his voice doesn’t sound as bad and broken as how he’s feeling at that moment. He looks at the top of Yixing’s head - because the boy was staring at the floor, and says - careful to keep his tone light and unaffected.
“Of course you can. You know I’ll do anything for you, Yixing. Even though you’ve just shattered my heart, I’ll still do whatever it takes to fulfil your wish.”
Yixing laughs softly, a broken sort of laugh which sounds like it’s forced out to cover up a sob. Frowning when he sees that the younger is still looking at his feet, Kris places two fingers beneath Yixing’s chin and tilts the boy’s face up. “Hey now, why are you - “
The sight of Yixing’s pale tear-stricken face cuts off the rest of Kris’ sentence. Silent tears were falling fast, unbidden, and unchecked down the boy’s beautiful face. His shoulders were trembling uncontrollably and his chest was heaving from the sheer effort of keeping as quiet as possible. Yixing was biting down on his lip to prevent a cry from escaping, his entire body was shaking.
Kris sees that he’s in so much pain, so much anguish, and something within him snapped. Yixing is clearly in need of someone right now and sure he isn’t Joonmyun, but he is there and even if he can’t be Yixing’s other half, he can be there as a friend.
So he wraps his arms around the trembling frame and holds Yiving close, pressing his lips to the boy’s smooth forehead in a comforting gesture and simply rocks them gently from side to side. Yixing clings onto the front of Kris’ shirt as he closes his eyes and allows the familiar scent to lull him to a calmer state.
-
Once his sobs have subsided, Yixing speaks up shakily - fingers slipping down to find Kris’ strong calloused ones. He looks with wide eyes at the man before him and parts his lips.
“I know I might be asking for too much but Yifan, can you promise that you’ll keep an eye on him? I know you’re in charge of a dozen other men and the pressure must be tremendous even without my request and I - I’m sorry for asking but I’m just so scared Yifan. I’m afraid of losing him and well, you and I, we both know that Joonmyun has a tendency to let his emotions get the better of him and - and you were always more level-headed than him so can I count on you to keep him in line? Can I count on you to keep Joonmyun safe and bring him back to me? Please ge, please. I can’t lose him.”
Kris blinks at the sudden but unsurprising request. He hears the note of desperation in Yixing’s hoarse voice; he sees it clearly in those glassy orbs and in every feature of that delicate face.
He brings their intertwined fingers to his lips. “I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure Joonmyun comes home safely to you,” Kris murmurs against Yixing’s knuckles, into Yixing’s soft skin. “Even if it means my death.”
The younger boy frowns and fresh tears threaten to spill. “B-but I don’t want that. You have to bring him back to me; you Yifan, you. I know I’m being selfish but..i can’t afford to lose either of you. Promise me ge, promise me you’ll come back with him.”
Kris looks at the pleading eyes of the man he loves so much. You’re asking too much from me baobei. He struggles to paste a small smile on his lips and asks softly - voice cracking from the strain of supressing his emotions. “Is that an order or a request?”
Yixing freezes momentarily before saying softly and clearly. “As your prince, it’s an order. As a fellow countryman who wants the nation’s two best warriors to be safe, it’s a request. As a boy who holds the both of you deep and dear in his heart, it’s a plea. A heartfelt plea.”
-
You’re not playing fair right now, my prince. Kris thinks to himself as he gazes down into Yixing’s eyes. You can’t just brutally shred my heart to pieces, and then expect me to - to-
Willing himself not to cry, Kris whispers, “I think it’s best if you left now Xing,” he gently removes his hand from the younger boy’s. “I promise you I’ll bring him back, but I just need some time alone right now and - “
Yixing cuts him off by leaning upwards and pressing his lips to Kris’. The two boys stay in that position for a few moments - mouths connected and souls entwining for a final time, before the younger breaks away and whispers, “Thank you. Thank you so much for everything, Yifan.”
He leaves the apartment with tears streaming down his face. Kris thinks he never looked more heartbreakingly and breathtakingly beautiful.
The door closes.
Wu Yifan counts to five silently, and on the sixth count, his legs give out completely and he collapses to the cold tiled flooring. He presses the pads of his fingers to his lips as tears start falling from the dark pools of his eyes.
Goodbye my prince. Farewell my love.
***
- kris & fanxing stans please don't kill me i'm sorry /rolls away
- will write a follow up fic, so yeah. look out for it?
- please leave a comment! i'd like to know what you thought of this /o/ or if you just want to scream and yell at me, that's also fine u__u
also! come say hello on twitter and/or ask.fm ♥
warning: #HowToGrammar // disclaimer: copyright infringement not intended whatsoever.
summary: the stars are telling a different story from what i know. it's time to let go.
a/n: uh yeah..a writing exercise-of-sorts /shrugs/ enjoy?
***
rip my heart out, shatter my soul (i'll be fine) ;;;
Gazing directly into the eyes of the man who was the keeper of his heart once upon a time, Yixing lets out a soft sigh.
“What do you want, Yifan?”
Quirking one of his impressive eyebrows, the corners of Kris’ mouth lift up fractionally in a small smile.
“What makes you think I want something? Can’t I just treat the man I love to a dinner?” he asks softly - amusement evident in his deep baritone voice.
Yixing lets out another sigh, this time deep with weary resignation. “Yifan, I already told you - “
“I miss you so much Xing. Please come back to me.”
The younger boy’s clear brown orbs roamed over every single inch of that heartbreakingly handsome face in front of him, as if he wanted to burn the image of the elder into his memory. Kris had desperation and longing etched into his facial features as he stared back at Yixing, expression in his deep-set eyes strong and unwavering. Piercing.
Silence, thick with unsaid words, flowed between and around the two young men until the brown haired one tore his gaze away- eyes stinging with unshed tears.
Fleeting seconds that felt very much like unending hours passed as Yixing took in deep breaths in an attempt to calm himself down, tilting his head back to blink back the tears that were threatening to fall any moment.
And when he turns to look back at Kris, the older boy sees the watery sheen over those eyes he loves so much, that pair of alive and dancing eyes that had him falling all those years ago. His heart ached, he felt physically pained at the sight of Yixing biting down on his trembling bottom lip, trying so hard not to cry. Yixing was a man full of pride - he wouldn’t break down in front of anybody if he could help it. Kris had loved that stubborn streak in him, still does.
Kris also knew that behind that strong exterior, Yixing was fragile. Despite exuding the aura of being unbreakable, Yixing was also extremely prone to shattering - very much so. At times like these, when the young man is at the very brink of falling, what he needs most is a pair of arms around him. Reassuring him that he’s not alone, that he doesn’t have to face his problems by himself. That there’s someone by his side.
Kris was the one Yixing had sought out in the past, Kris was the one who wrapped his strong arms around the lean body, Kris was the one who pressed him close and kissed his tears away. Kris was..Yixing’s pillar of strength, Yixing’s source of light in the pits of darkness. Kris was once Yixing’s everything.
Not anymore, he whispers under his breath. Kris knows, deep down in his aching heart, that his place has been taken over by another. The coveted position belongs to someone else now. And he hates it, he loathes it. He was the one who’s supposed to be by Yixing’s side, the stars had once told him.
But Kris isn’t unreasonable or blind, he sees that Yixing’s heart now belonged to another man, and he understands - he does, really. It isn’t anyone’s fault that the stars have now aligned differently than how they had before, it isn’t anyone’s fault that Yixing’s red thread was now entangled with Joonmyun’s and not his. It hurts - of course it does, it hurts so much, but Kris understands, he understands that Yixing is not his anymore.
Cold hard truth is like a bitter pill and unfortunately, it doesn’t really matter nor will it change anything even if Kris is unwilling to swallow it. Because at the end of everything, truth always prevails, and all the illusions will be left to fade away. And this is why he chooses to face and accept the fact now, no matter how grudgingly, rather than lie and deceive himself anymore. Kris knows he’s better than that.
Yixing was fighting with himself internally, Kris can see it. The younger boy was breaking down right before his very eyes, and Kris wants so much to hug him. He wants nothing more than to wrap his arms around the boy and to whisper words of assurance into his ears, to kiss the pain away. He knows that it isn’t his place anymore, so he clenches his shaking hands into tight white-knuckled fists, and tries to ignore the sting in his eyes and the burn in his nose. The breaking of his shattered heart.
Taking in a shaky breath, Yixing reaches over the table and strokes Kris’ left cheek. “Yifan, I’m sorry. I-I can’t..” A solitary tear falls and he sniffs, the small sound shooting straight through to Kris’ soul. “I cannot come back to you. I’m sorry.”
There’s nothing but stark desperation and apology in the depths of his eyes as he continues to look at Kris. Desperation for the elder to understand, to understand that he’s truly sorry for hurting him - for putting him through so much pain and heartbreak.
Kris takes in a shaky breath of his own and lets his eyes fall shut. He knows the answer the question he was going to ask, he knows that the answer will bring him more pain but Kris has always been a masochist. When he opens his eyes, there are tears. Yixing’s teary orbs widen immediately - Kris never cries. The older of the two boys pushes away the stabbing in his chest and parts his lips.
“Why?” The one word comes out broken - very much like how he’s feeling, and Kris has to resist the urge to wince at how weak his voice sounded. He was a team leader; he was supposed to be strength personified. “Why can’t you come back to me? D-don’t you love me anymore?”
Yixing gazes at Kris, unreadable expression in his glassy eyes. He slowly retracts his hand from Kris’ face, and sinks back into his seat. Entire body slumping, he shakes his head slowly and whispers.
“I’ll always love you, Yifan. Always. Please don’t doubt it. I just - “ he inhales deeply before continuing. “We don’t belong to each other anymore.”
This is it, game over for Wu Yifan. “But why? We were together for years Yixing, years. Please don’t tell me they mean nothing to you.”
“Ge, all I wanted is to spend the rest of my life beside you, to grow old with you. But now, now I’m going to give Joonmyun my heart.”
Kris sees the tears, the agony and sorrow in Yixing’s eyes. That’s enough Yifan. It’s over, live with it. He doesn’t want to go back to you.
“What does Joonmyun have that I don’t? He - We had our lives planned out together, remember?! Yixing, please. What happened? Why are you doing this to me?!”
Kris knows that whatever he says now won’t change a thing, won’t alter destiny. He’s showing weakness by choosing to fight a losing battle. Kris is..he’s stepping on thin ice, testing Yixing’s patience. But he has to try, he’s not willing to give up without trying, he can’t.
“You left Kris, you left. That’s what happened. And then when the letters stopped coming, you died. You were dead not only to me, but to the whole nation. I moved on, Kris. Took me a while, but I managed it. I moved on.”
The words are soft, but it feels like a thousand jagged glass shards flying simultaneously at Kris - piercing through skin and slicing past flesh. Numbing what’s left of his heart, shattering his soul. He looks at the boy in front of him. Yixing had called him “Kris” not “Yifan” - not his birth name. There’s a glint in his eyes, which meant one thing and one thing only.
Kris sighs heavily. It really is over now. I tried, but now it’s time to let go.
“I’m sorry, your highness. I was out of line, forgive me.”
The look in Yixing’s eyes visibly softened at the words as he hurries to say, “How many times do I have to tell you not to call me that?”
Kris looks down at his hands lying on his lap and mutters, “You started it. You called me Kris first.”
Soft laughter rang in the air before there’s the sound of chair legs scrapping tiled floor, and then Yixing is standing beside Kris’ chair. The older boy hurries to stand up as well.
“Yifan, can I - can I ask you for a favour?”
Forcing a smile on his face, Kris hopes that his voice doesn’t sound as bad and broken as how he’s feeling at that moment. He looks at the top of Yixing’s head - because the boy was staring at the floor, and says - careful to keep his tone light and unaffected.
“Of course you can. You know I’ll do anything for you, Yixing. Even though you’ve just shattered my heart, I’ll still do whatever it takes to fulfil your wish.”
Yixing laughs softly, a broken sort of laugh which sounds like it’s forced out to cover up a sob. Frowning when he sees that the younger is still looking at his feet, Kris places two fingers beneath Yixing’s chin and tilts the boy’s face up. “Hey now, why are you - “
The sight of Yixing’s pale tear-stricken face cuts off the rest of Kris’ sentence. Silent tears were falling fast, unbidden, and unchecked down the boy’s beautiful face. His shoulders were trembling uncontrollably and his chest was heaving from the sheer effort of keeping as quiet as possible. Yixing was biting down on his lip to prevent a cry from escaping, his entire body was shaking.
Kris sees that he’s in so much pain, so much anguish, and something within him snapped. Yixing is clearly in need of someone right now and sure he isn’t Joonmyun, but he is there and even if he can’t be Yixing’s other half, he can be there as a friend.
So he wraps his arms around the trembling frame and holds Yiving close, pressing his lips to the boy’s smooth forehead in a comforting gesture and simply rocks them gently from side to side. Yixing clings onto the front of Kris’ shirt as he closes his eyes and allows the familiar scent to lull him to a calmer state.
-
Once his sobs have subsided, Yixing speaks up shakily - fingers slipping down to find Kris’ strong calloused ones. He looks with wide eyes at the man before him and parts his lips.
“I know I might be asking for too much but Yifan, can you promise that you’ll keep an eye on him? I know you’re in charge of a dozen other men and the pressure must be tremendous even without my request and I - I’m sorry for asking but I’m just so scared Yifan. I’m afraid of losing him and well, you and I, we both know that Joonmyun has a tendency to let his emotions get the better of him and - and you were always more level-headed than him so can I count on you to keep him in line? Can I count on you to keep Joonmyun safe and bring him back to me? Please ge, please. I can’t lose him.”
Kris blinks at the sudden but unsurprising request. He hears the note of desperation in Yixing’s hoarse voice; he sees it clearly in those glassy orbs and in every feature of that delicate face.
He brings their intertwined fingers to his lips. “I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure Joonmyun comes home safely to you,” Kris murmurs against Yixing’s knuckles, into Yixing’s soft skin. “Even if it means my death.”
The younger boy frowns and fresh tears threaten to spill. “B-but I don’t want that. You have to bring him back to me; you Yifan, you. I know I’m being selfish but..i can’t afford to lose either of you. Promise me ge, promise me you’ll come back with him.”
Kris looks at the pleading eyes of the man he loves so much. You’re asking too much from me baobei. He struggles to paste a small smile on his lips and asks softly - voice cracking from the strain of supressing his emotions. “Is that an order or a request?”
Yixing freezes momentarily before saying softly and clearly. “As your prince, it’s an order. As a fellow countryman who wants the nation’s two best warriors to be safe, it’s a request. As a boy who holds the both of you deep and dear in his heart, it’s a plea. A heartfelt plea.”
-
You’re not playing fair right now, my prince. Kris thinks to himself as he gazes down into Yixing’s eyes. You can’t just brutally shred my heart to pieces, and then expect me to - to-
Willing himself not to cry, Kris whispers, “I think it’s best if you left now Xing,” he gently removes his hand from the younger boy’s. “I promise you I’ll bring him back, but I just need some time alone right now and - “
Yixing cuts him off by leaning upwards and pressing his lips to Kris’. The two boys stay in that position for a few moments - mouths connected and souls entwining for a final time, before the younger breaks away and whispers, “Thank you. Thank you so much for everything, Yifan.”
He leaves the apartment with tears streaming down his face. Kris thinks he never looked more heartbreakingly and breathtakingly beautiful.
The door closes.
Wu Yifan counts to five silently, and on the sixth count, his legs give out completely and he collapses to the cold tiled flooring. He presses the pads of his fingers to his lips as tears start falling from the dark pools of his eyes.
Goodbye my prince. Farewell my love.
***
- kris & fanxing stans please don't kill me i'm sorry /rolls away
- will write a follow up fic, so yeah. look out for it?
- please leave a comment! i'd like to know what you thought of this /o/ or if you just want to scream and yell at me, that's also fine u__u
also! come say hello on twitter and/or ask.fm ♥