(no subject)
Ok it has been a while; and maybe it isn't good that i'm back. Please don't take this seriously im just sad because im bored like the rest of the highschool population. For the longest time I felt so happy and I guess it would be normal to say that im having a little down time. *shrugs* I have my rights. At this point I guess you could say I'm scared that things have gotten to a point in my happiness and now they are just going to go the other way. I guess I need to remember the only reason I was happy in the first place was because I made myself that way. I have no reason to panic or be depressed. I still have Rob, he is wonderful to me. I dont see them as often as I would like or maybe at all this year but I know my real friends are out there. I have food. I have water. I have feet and hands with 20 fingers and toes (together that is) and I have a place to live... Yet I feel real shitty as I write this. Not depressed or sad just empty and blah. I worry way too much. And sometimes not enough. My term paper remains half done and due on monday and here I am writing about how bad I feel. Maybe I just needed a chance to let it all out. I decided im not going to check spelling on this I want you to see how pathetic I am right now as if you were standing next to me. I dont want to hear aww amanda you will be ok I want to hear someone say lets get out of here this house is aweful. I want to hear that I will be safe from one of the scariest things that could happen to a girl as young as I. I want to hear that c's are not evil. I got A's for the first time in my life and honestly... it felt no different. Now people just want to see As more often. Heh I want to scream out to them and say the truth.. the reason I got As was because I dropped into lower classes. I miss laughing it feels like a long time since I had a really good laugh I want to not care I want to love him and not worry. I am greedy I want so many things.. .wow this feels really good for some reason letting this all out. I just sneezed and my glasses fell off motherF'ers! I got a new pair... I cant wait to recieve them... it will be like christmas or my birthday.... wait 10 days? it will be my birtday. My sixteenth. OI maybe im going through a mid teen crisis? I got a fish today? His name is buddah. I want to call rob to tell him but I feel rob doesnt enjoy talking to me on the phone I think he just likes me in person. I would never sink as low to saying he doesnt like me. No I just dont feel that it has been almost 5 months now and I am positive things are just fine. I sort of miss him. I want to hug him so much and just laugh laugh all this pointless bullshit off. That is why I dated him in the first place. He made me laugh like no other man has made me laugh before. I felt fresh and new, and I would do anything to feel that again. It has been a couple days since I have felt that. Yes only days not months or years but days. I am a creature of habbit you dont walk the dog then the dog gets sad. God I hope you poor people dont read this ... its more for my benefit then anything just to type on and on get all this crappyness out of me. I wont go slit my wrist. I wont go listen to the saddest song and cry. I will end this by doing something I do normally or go take a look at my new fish again... I love buddah! (name of fish) I should paint or soemthign or maybe better yet write my paper that sounds dandy. I think I feel better it is funny how this works! Well I hope I see rob so he can make me laugh,, I love him for that (and of course once we started dating I found billions of other things that I love about the boy) I hope I have a good bday. I need to put effort into being happy and it will be. I love you alllllll and comment anything if you read this ... I want to know how you people are!