(no subject)
Latetey i havent been feeling quite myself. regardless how many people try to help me, their preachiness has actually detered my ability to shake this feeling. I feel like not saying anything at all, like hiding under a rock until it goes away. Im forcing myself to post as a method of airing it all out, carrying this burden is exhausting. My problem is this, I feel like the person who i am is not the person i thought i should be growing up. I feel takled by my shortcomings. I feel like i lack discipline, and responsibility, and Im guiltridden and afraid that i dont meet up to par with my parents and god. I tried my best to renounce religion, i even tried wicca to further me from christianity. it didnt work. Im a 23 year old Carrie Bradshaw wannabe failure. I have no spine, and no will. I suck at pretty much anything, and im getting worse at what i dont. Im not egsagerating in the least.
I flunked through highschool, BARELEY graduated. then i went to community college when the university i did get into rennegged on their aception after a 1.8 gpa senior year. At community college i dropped classes left and right the moment i couldnt handle the work load or intensity. I basically spent 4 years in what you could call a college "sampler". I then enrolled in makeup school as an attempt to appease my parents wish to find vocational training. i was mostly mediocre in the three first classes which were in my possible field. then flunked out after the special effect program got too hard. I SUCK royally at making applying blending and colouring prosthetics. though i did great in injuries. so i flunked with only two months to go. i think i want to write for fashion magazines (my passion all along) but im afraidd ill fail because i have a bad history and am not witty enough with words. I thought i knew alot about fashion, but the snob dior scene kids put me to shame. (oh i cried)
As for work? Ive been fired a few times. I cant save a penny. I have the worlds worst credit. I shop till i drop then get depressed because despise my perky ass, cute face,and full wardrobe, im still to fat, gap toothed, and immature to attract annyone. Speeking of which. Im deathly afraid of getting to close to anyone because i figure myself unworthy, unatractive, and sexually uncapable. I am a VERY self conscious virgin im way to scared to even kiss anyone. I flirt all night, then get called a tease because when some one is interested, miraculously so, i run for the hills.
My biggest hangup is that i dont know who I am. I try too hard to be all things to all people, so when a bit of my true self shows , it scares everyone off because they think im being fake with them about who i really am. I have only one friend, i dont know what to do with myself in social surroundings, i feel out of place always. I dont know who i am enough to fit in anyplace. i even catch myself off guards; im such a black sheep and ugly duckling.. When i start getting in a friendship, they think im to clingy so they stop talking to me. I dont want anyones pity, really. im just lost.
As for the guilt. Im afraid for my salvation because i am attracted to men women and trans persons. it gives me intense nightmares frequently. I dont know who to talk to about this. im really frightened.
i know i sound dramatic, but this is the most honest thing i have ever expressed. theres lots more, but forcing it out took alot out of me. i really hope by posting this that i can get some help. does anyone relate to any off this? Im so afraid that im a freak.
thanks. for all who read this. i feel a little better