Apr 07, 2004 19:59
A lot of new things are happening in my life as I stated in my last post, and my life has gradually begun to put itself together. Although I doubt many of you care, I decided to share my life with you all. And you'll see why by the end of this post.
One great thing that has happened in my life is school. Everyday I learn new things that entice my reasoning mind. Right now I am studying criminal law (previously I studied Paralegal Ethics/Office Procedure and Torts and Personal Injury Law). But for some reason I love law. It’s like my mind flows naturally with it. Maybe it’s because I've always been a reasonable person (at times at least) as far as what would the "reasonable person" do in certain situations. When discussions are initiated in class, I become enthusiastic to contend or argue my points in a reasonable, zealous, and diligent manner. My diction has also increased in the past few months, and I find myself using legal wording from case law to prove some of my points to people even in everyday life. It’s beautiful.
Religion has begun to play a critical role in my character as well. About a month ago, my life felt like shit. I didn’t have a motive, a reason to wake up in the morning at all. There were times I asked myself why I even got up in the first place. I felt that if I just slept... that was my safe haven. But even my dreams tormented me. My subconscious destroyed my dreams and turned them into nightmares. That was when I stopped sleeping. I figured that sleep was for the weak. Sleep was a form of weakness and I did not want to submit to my sleep. My life was one monotonous charade, some act to quench my thirst for true life.
Then I had a spiritual awakening. I know it’s awkward to hear that from me (or anyone for that matter) because whenever I think of a spiritual awakening, I think of televangelists putting their hands on people “healing” them by God’s power. I’m not talking about that kind of spiritual awakening though. Before this day, my life was a lost cause. After my braces were put on, I had a post brace depression. I became extremely self-conscious of myself, feeling that I looked stupid. It changed my attitude temporarily, but it was eating at me little by little. Not only were the braces a factor, but also life in general was shit to me.
So one Saturday night I went to play pool with my friends Erasmo and Josh, as we routinely did. After pool, we went over to Erasmo’s house to watch Old School for the 20th time. By the time the movie was finished, it was 3 AM and I felt fat, bloated, and ugly. So I drove home and took a shower. But when I got out of the shower, I looked at the clock. It was about 5 AM and then for some reason, I had the craziest craving to go jogging. So I did. My mom thought I was insane for wanting to jog that early in the morning and she insisted I go back to sleep. But I knew I couldn’t. I couldn’t go back to sleep until something changed. I needed to do something about the way I felt and I figured that taking an early morning jog could at least burn a few calories from all the weight I felt on me. I walked outside and it was still night… but soon I could see the sun rising in the east.
Now I have never been much of a Godly person, but what I saw at the sun rose over the horizon was like no other sight I’d ever seen. Beautiful is a condescending word to describe it. Serene is too bland. Hypnotic is an understatement. The only word I can use to describe the setting is godly. The sun rose giving the sky a glow of gold. And the moon began to descend simultaneously, carrying away its pitch black. As I looked at the parallel skies, I couldn’t tell where earth ended and where heaven began. And at that moment, I felt a feeling that I had never felt in my entire life. Peace. For once in my life, I felt content, not just with myself, but with nature, with God, with my friends, with my emotions, with everything.
The only thought that flowed through my head at the time was about God. I began to believe that God is real. And He is an artist. Anyone who could create the sun and the moon to rise and descend simultaneously and make such glorious sights like the one I saw that morning deserves my commitment. So I walked home to birds chirping in the early morning.
I got home and I took another shower, got out, grabbed some orange juice, turned on Meet The Press, and watched my role model debater Mr. James Carville eat away at the incompetent Republican woman debater. Then I went to church for the first time in three years and it was one of the best experiences I had ever had. Not only did I get inspiration from God, but I got to see my family (grandma, cousins, aunts, and uncles) there and they were shocked to see me. I went out to eat and every friend who saw me that Sunday told me I was a “big fuckin ray of sunshine”. I was. Since that day, my life has changed forever. I am so content with life right now. And I felt like sharing it with you all even if you didn’t want to know.
I have stopped being the prosecutor who telling everyone that their lives are fucked up. And I have stopped being the defendant who tries to justify his lifestyle. I have become the witness, the one who shares his everyday experiences with people, whether he cares about them or not. I am not trying to reach out to anyone through this post. I am just sharing with you my experiences and enthusiasm with God, life, school, relationships, family, work, and every other thing that falls within ones life. And life has only gotten better everyday. My friends have told me I’m different, almost weird, but in a good way. They tell me I’ve changed for the better, that the depressed person I was before is a complete parallel to the passionate person I am now. And I think the old Brian drifted off somewhere. But at least the new Brian has a story or two to tell besides girls and depression. Right?
Until next time everyone. Take care and keep God on your side cuz hes the greatest ally you could ever have.