[Weird. But she can't see any reason not to answer, so...]
In that case, it shouldn't come as a surprise to you that I did exceptionally well during those years. To be blunt, things just came easily to me. I learned what I could, but there was little I couldn't face, even then.
[...]
It made things a little tedious. I was forced to find my own challenges or wither from boredom. You'd think the handlers would be pleased with my progress, but I always seemed to smother it with frustration at my behavior. And I...
[She pauses, and her voice seems to soften.]
I would watch the others train together. Test each other. They forged bonds that wouldn't last very long in the end. It seemed strange to me - why would they rely on each other for strength when they would end up with only themselves after certification? Don't you think that's backwards?
I think for most trainees, there isn't any choice but to rely on one another.
...when I think about that trial we took for certification, I'm a little amazed. Ten warriors in the ruins, and only one normal yoma. I can't speak with any certainty about the yoma in your trial, of course, but the one in mine wasn't even particularly strong, and yet I know that 80% or more of trainees die. Doesn't that mean that eight out of every ten trainees can't equal the strength of a Number 47 even in teams?
[A long pause.]
Senji -- he's um, my... well, I guess we used to... date. ...anyway. He always said that weak people rely on each other for strength because they don't have any of their own. ...and also that they should just stay home and be boring because they shouldn't pick fights they can't finish. And something about fangs.
Anyway, I don't really understand how it's possible to be unable to fight a single yoma. But if working together couldn't save them under those circumstances, I guess working alone wouldn't have helped,
No, it wouldn't have. I guess that's part of the forging process for warriors - you might think of it as burning away weak links. If one yoma is too much for them, they'll never stand a chance in the field.
What use is someone like that to the Organization?
[There's a little lift to her words, as if they're just barely brushing against sarcasm. And then... a pause.]
This... Senji of yours sounds like he has interesting ideas. I wonder if he's not entirely off the mark.
[Also how many people have you even dated, what is this.]
I've watched my fellow trainees defend themselves against a single yoma. Some of them were lucky enough to survive, but I have no doubt they wouldn't be as lucky out in the real world, on their own strength. Perhaps that's only because I've never had to rely on anyone else's but my own.
Senji has a lot of ideas about everything, yes. Some of them have changed, and then some.... well! I guess he changed me, too. He can be kind of harsh, though.
But. I thought that might be the case. I mean, with you.
[She tips her head a little. And she could say something about that first bit - about being harsh and when it's necessary, and the different kinds and-- well. She could say a lot. But instead, she stays silent for a few seconds, and her voice is soft when she says...]
What it's like to be a monster.
[There.]
To have everyone fear you just because you're you. Even though you haven't done anything, really.
When I was in training, I didn't spar with the others much but it wasn't because I didn't want to... exactly. It was because they were scared of me. Because no matter what they did, no matter how much yoki they used, they could never keep up. That's why I wasn't very good with swords when I left.
I'm much better now -- well I know you can tell. Because Senji taught me some things, and then Arthur - he was my closest friend for a long time - he taught me, too. And now Isley teaches me, and I don't know if there is anyone better than him. But at the time, I didn't have anyone to practice with. No one would go near me
( ... )
[She stays silent for a time... thoughtful, but not actually surprised at the choice of subject. Or the person presenting it.]
If that's what's troubling you, you came to the right place. I don't know how much of a comfort I can be, though.
We are monsters. That's the truth of it. You might have been fortunate enough to forget for a while, but there's no denying what it is. And everyone who knows will see it, too.
[She speaks softly, evenly. And with a smile, of course.]
Some... some will see beyond that. They won't be afraid even if they know. But it took me a very long time to discover this. And it's rare.
[...]
Those who don't... it's a strange thing, to fear and hate and demand from all at once, isn't it? You'd think they could be content with only one.
To be honest, I don't really care if people are afraid of me. I'm used to it from before I came here. But at home, it was different. They were afraid, but that came with respect, or at least silence. They left me alone. And it was... lonely, but it was better than--
Here they try to control me. And they act like they own me, or my choices.
It's not really the same thing. The Organization never sent spies to inform on my personal thoughts.
[ :| ]
What? Oh! I...
[And a pause to collect her thoughts.]
It's not like I don't understand their fear. I don't know the extent of my awakened self's power, but I do know Deneve has said she defeated Isley. And I do understand the difference between... um. Helen awakening and me. But.
But...
...is it really that different. I don't know. Doesn't it depend on where you're standing?
...I realize this may be unwelcome, but I was wondering if you had a moment to discuss... um. An issue.
[...]
Right! An issue.
Reply
What issue is this?
Reply
[She makes several half-formed word-noises - we-- and Um and I--. And then silence for a few moments. Two, three, four... she frowns.]
What were you like in training?
Reply
In... training? Why do you want to know about that?
Reply
I guess I'm just... wondering.
Reply
[Weird. But she can't see any reason not to answer, so...]
In that case, it shouldn't come as a surprise to you that I did exceptionally well during those years. To be blunt, things just came easily to me. I learned what I could, but there was little I couldn't face, even then.
[...]
It made things a little tedious. I was forced to find my own challenges or wither from boredom. You'd think the handlers would be pleased with my progress, but I always seemed to smother it with frustration at my behavior. And I...
[She pauses, and her voice seems to soften.]
I would watch the others train together. Test each other. They forged bonds that wouldn't last very long in the end. It seemed strange to me - why would they rely on each other for strength when they would end up with only themselves after certification? Don't you think that's backwards?
Reply
...when I think about that trial we took for certification, I'm a little amazed. Ten warriors in the ruins, and only one normal yoma. I can't speak with any certainty about the yoma in your trial, of course, but the one in mine wasn't even particularly strong, and yet I know that 80% or more of trainees die. Doesn't that mean that eight out of every ten trainees can't equal the strength of a Number 47 even in teams?
[A long pause.]
Senji -- he's um, my... well, I guess we used to... date. ...anyway. He always said that weak people rely on each other for strength because they don't have any of their own. ...and also that they should just stay home and be boring because they shouldn't pick fights they can't finish. And something about fangs.
Anyway, I don't really understand how it's possible to be unable to fight a single yoma. But if working together couldn't save them under those circumstances, I guess working alone wouldn't have helped,
Reply
What use is someone like that to the Organization?
[There's a little lift to her words, as if they're just barely brushing against sarcasm. And then... a pause.]
This... Senji of yours sounds like he has interesting ideas. I wonder if he's not entirely off the mark.
[Also how many people have you even dated, what is this.]
I've watched my fellow trainees defend themselves against a single yoma. Some of them were lucky enough to survive, but I have no doubt they wouldn't be as lucky out in the real world, on their own strength. Perhaps that's only because I've never had to rely on anyone else's but my own.
[...]
Not against our enemies, at least.
Reply
But. I thought that might be the case. I mean, with you.
That you'd understand better than anyone else.
Reply
[...]
Hm, so that's what you were wondering about. What is it that I would understand, then, that you couldn't bring to anyone else?
Reply
What it's like to be a monster.
[There.]
To have everyone fear you just because you're you. Even though you haven't done anything, really.
When I was in training, I didn't spar with the others much but it wasn't because I didn't want to... exactly. It was because they were scared of me. Because no matter what they did, no matter how much yoki they used, they could never keep up. That's why I wasn't very good with swords when I left.
I'm much better now -- well I know you can tell. Because Senji taught me some things, and then Arthur - he was my closest friend for a long time - he taught me, too. And now Isley teaches me, and I don't know if there is anyone better than him. But at the time, I didn't have anyone to practice with. No one would go near me ( ... )
Reply
If that's what's troubling you, you came to the right place. I don't know how much of a comfort I can be, though.
We are monsters. That's the truth of it. You might have been fortunate enough to forget for a while, but there's no denying what it is. And everyone who knows will see it, too.
[She speaks softly, evenly. And with a smile, of course.]
Some... some will see beyond that. They won't be afraid even if they know. But it took me a very long time to discover this. And it's rare.
[...]
Those who don't... it's a strange thing, to fear and hate and demand from all at once, isn't it? You'd think they could be content with only one.
Reply
[...]
To be honest, I don't really care if people are afraid of me. I'm used to it from before I came here. But at home, it was different. They were afraid, but that came with respect, or at least silence. They left me alone. And it was... lonely, but it was better than--
Here they try to control me. And they act like they own me, or my choices.
It's not really fair.
I know -- mrph.
Reply
[SARCASM?]
If you thought that was enough, then it's a pity you didn't survive long enough to get a promotion. The ranks come with their own set of problems.
...What do you know? Finish your sentences.
Reply
[ :| ]
What? Oh! I...
[And a pause to collect her thoughts.]
It's not like I don't understand their fear. I don't know the extent of my awakened self's power, but I do know Deneve has said she defeated Isley. And I do understand the difference between... um. Helen awakening and me. But.
But...
...is it really that different. I don't know. Doesn't it depend on where you're standing?
Reply
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