I just wanna cry and eat a pint of ice cream...
So this was the most awful Halloween ever. It didn't even feel like Halloween, except for the whole "bad dream" accept of it. I hate this time of the year and I hate how every time one aspect of life seems to get settled, another one comes crashing down to let you know that the world is in fact flawed and your life will never be perfect. I haven't felt the way I feel right now since probably senior year of high school and maybe last year around this time -- just depressed, lost, and scared. Everything right now is just a big blur... I have so much reading to get caught up on for classes because of midterms, I feel like I will be reading for the rest of my life and I got none of it done tonight since my mood had me generally upset, distracted, and unproductive. I was all set to go to the library, but never got there. Go me. The family is just, in general, bothering me, not directly, but just the things they do or don't do. It's the time of year when some friends are really starting to get on my nerves while others, I just don't think I'd survive without... literally. It also doesn't help that I feel really really fat... and it's not like I even eat that much... like one meal a day if I'm lucky and I don't pick that much in between meal(s) and I walk a lot... probably 2-3 miles each day because of where I live... I just am not losing any weight and feel like I'm getting bigger by the minute. Then, the election is also stressing me out... I don't think I've ever wanted any candidate not to win as much as I don't want Bush to win... he's an awful person and a horrible leader... I don't understand how anyone can vote for him, and I'm not saying I'm a raging liberal that is totally pro-Kerry.. I just think he's the lesser of two evils. And it's great that 11 states are having voters vote for or against the protection of marriage act.. it's funny how most of the states are either in the heartland or in the South. I really feel like the votes of citizens between the Appalachians and the Rockies should only be counted for two thirds to compensate for their lack of reasoning skills and general ignorance of anything worldly. Oh wait, we tried that back in the 1800s and that didn't work out so well... we also tried discrimination and segregation and that didn't work out either.. neither did separate but equal, but they are trying to do that with marriage rights...goddamn this country and all its hypocrisy... grrr!
I haven't seen Felix in over 2 months and that's a big part of why I'm in the state I am right now, and I don't think he realizes the extent of how I feel right now. I just wanna be home right now in bed with him... that would seriously make everything better for me - he's like my escape, the place where I'm happiest and where I feel safest. But I don't think he knows that. He thinks that just cuz I'm away at school that I'm immune to the feelings of loneliness and helplessness that he has a harder time dealing with. The truth is, I feel all of these things probably just as much as he does, but I've become a master over the years of hiding my emotions so I don't get hurt and don't appear weak. I don't think I've cried as much as I have in the past few weeks... I just really want to go home and be with him. I hate this so much, but I know it'll all be over in a year and a half when I'm out of school and can finally be with him. Sometimes I hate love (like the juxtaposition?) but then I think of the times I've surprised him or vice versa, or anytime I'm coming home from school to see him and the butterflies I get in my stomach (it's all about the butterflies) and I remember that's it all worth it... all the waiting, the time away from one another, the arguing, the laughing, the good times and the bad, the ups and downs, the pain and the happiness... all of it is worth it if you truly love someone and want to be with them... and I've come to realize each day that I'm away from him that I love him with all my heart and that he's the one I want to wake up to in the morning and fall asleep with at night. ::sigh:: I miss him just a little bit...
I have to go to bed now before I decide to skip my Monday classes... so off to bed I go... alone once again...
goodnight
P.S. and you... I love you... a lot... just remember that, ok?
I haven't seen Felix in over 2 months and that's a big part of why I'm in the state I am right now, and I don't think he realizes the extent of how I feel right now. I just wanna be home right now in bed with him... that would seriously make everything better for me - he's like my escape, the place where I'm happiest and where I feel safest. But I don't think he knows that. He thinks that just cuz I'm away at school that I'm immune to the feelings of loneliness and helplessness that he has a harder time dealing with. The truth is, I feel all of these things probably just as much as he does, but I've become a master over the years of hiding my emotions so I don't get hurt and don't appear weak. I don't think I've cried as much as I have in the past few weeks... I just really want to go home and be with him. I hate this so much, but I know it'll all be over in a year and a half when I'm out of school and can finally be with him. Sometimes I hate love (like the juxtaposition?) but then I think of the times I've surprised him or vice versa, or anytime I'm coming home from school to see him and the butterflies I get in my stomach (it's all about the butterflies) and I remember that's it all worth it... all the waiting, the time away from one another, the arguing, the laughing, the good times and the bad, the ups and downs, the pain and the happiness... all of it is worth it if you truly love someone and want to be with them... and I've come to realize each day that I'm away from him that I love him with all my heart and that he's the one I want to wake up to in the morning and fall asleep with at night. ::sigh:: I miss him just a little bit...
I have to go to bed now before I decide to skip my Monday classes... so off to bed I go... alone once again...
goodnight
P.S. and you... I love you... a lot... just remember that, ok?