Stream of Consciousness
So this weekend was pretty fun... parties, drinking, the usual... nothing terribly exciting... now this week I have so much work to do because I spent Sunday watching the Superbowl instead of working (go me)....
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Have you ever been so happy and then all of a sudden so incredibly depressed and unsure about so many different things? I have so many things to think about this semester. I have to decide on a major, start thinking about where I want to study abroad junior year (junior year already!?!?), and I've been thinking about life after Georgetown already. I don't know where I even want to live... I thought I wanted to live in NYC but the more I think about it, the more London, Spain, or someplace in Latin America seem appealing. Ultimately, it'll be where I get a job (ahhh... jobs) but still... it's scary to think about actually being on my own and in the real world. It's also scary thinking about turning 20 this year and leaving my teenage years behind (this thought was brought on by the fact that it seems like every week one of my friends turns 20). I have so many things to do this week, it's ridiculous. And I'm so stressed about other things, I can't even think straight. I just wish there were ways for other people to see inside my head and understand where I'm coming from and what I go through some times... maybe that would make things easier on me and I wouldn't stress all the time about stupid shit. Talking to Annie and Justin tonight over coffee, we talked about high school and I was brought back to my "depressed" stage in my life and sometimes, especially this school year, I feel myself slowing slipping into that stage again and it scares me.. it seems like everything around me is changing faster than I can keep up with and all my old safety nets are being pulled right out from under me and I don't want to fall.
My friendships at school have changed so much this past year and I find myself closer to some people and more distanced from others.. I find myself getting so mad at some of my friends and all I can do is withdraw into a shell and avoid them. Then, there's the fucked up entity that is my family... I'm not even going into that, but for those of you who know about it, things are slowly but surely getting a little bit better.
I don't know... I just don't want to fall behind everyone else and I feel like I am and maybe that's why I'm putting so much pressure on myself this semester to do better in school and not slack off so much. Hopefully, my grades will show that. There's other aspects of my life that I am not content with either... one is definitely my body. I hate looking in the mirror and seeing myself staring back at me... I just am not happy with the way I look either and sometimes I put up this facade of self confidence (that's one thing I learned at Taft) but even that is slowly breaking down.
::sigh:: If you made it this far and actually understood everything I said, I'm impressed because even I don't understand myself sometimes. I guess this is just my little rant to keep myself from crying or something.. I dunno anymore...
I should get back to my Theology and Sexuality paper so I can go to bed soon and then get up bright and early to start all over again... goodnight... maybe this will all make sense in the morning
***
Have you ever been so happy and then all of a sudden so incredibly depressed and unsure about so many different things? I have so many things to think about this semester. I have to decide on a major, start thinking about where I want to study abroad junior year (junior year already!?!?), and I've been thinking about life after Georgetown already. I don't know where I even want to live... I thought I wanted to live in NYC but the more I think about it, the more London, Spain, or someplace in Latin America seem appealing. Ultimately, it'll be where I get a job (ahhh... jobs) but still... it's scary to think about actually being on my own and in the real world. It's also scary thinking about turning 20 this year and leaving my teenage years behind (this thought was brought on by the fact that it seems like every week one of my friends turns 20). I have so many things to do this week, it's ridiculous. And I'm so stressed about other things, I can't even think straight. I just wish there were ways for other people to see inside my head and understand where I'm coming from and what I go through some times... maybe that would make things easier on me and I wouldn't stress all the time about stupid shit. Talking to Annie and Justin tonight over coffee, we talked about high school and I was brought back to my "depressed" stage in my life and sometimes, especially this school year, I feel myself slowing slipping into that stage again and it scares me.. it seems like everything around me is changing faster than I can keep up with and all my old safety nets are being pulled right out from under me and I don't want to fall.
My friendships at school have changed so much this past year and I find myself closer to some people and more distanced from others.. I find myself getting so mad at some of my friends and all I can do is withdraw into a shell and avoid them. Then, there's the fucked up entity that is my family... I'm not even going into that, but for those of you who know about it, things are slowly but surely getting a little bit better.
I don't know... I just don't want to fall behind everyone else and I feel like I am and maybe that's why I'm putting so much pressure on myself this semester to do better in school and not slack off so much. Hopefully, my grades will show that. There's other aspects of my life that I am not content with either... one is definitely my body. I hate looking in the mirror and seeing myself staring back at me... I just am not happy with the way I look either and sometimes I put up this facade of self confidence (that's one thing I learned at Taft) but even that is slowly breaking down.
::sigh:: If you made it this far and actually understood everything I said, I'm impressed because even I don't understand myself sometimes. I guess this is just my little rant to keep myself from crying or something.. I dunno anymore...
I should get back to my Theology and Sexuality paper so I can go to bed soon and then get up bright and early to start all over again... goodnight... maybe this will all make sense in the morning