The Mercer Legacy | Gen. 1.0.
archive | Warning: Bad language, sexual situations, and disregard for the status quo. ♥
Before we get started let me just say a few things:
a) This is my first legacy, and will be the first time I've ever played a sim raising kids past, like, the second day of childhood. So please enjoy watching me flail and freak out when shit gets real. ;D
b) I've never had a sim die on me. So enjoy my tears.
c) I use a lot of bad language and I'm totally insensitive. I'm a huge fan of schadenfreude and make inappropriate jokes constantly. This will be no different.
d) I've also never played without the motherlode cheat or without epic lifespan aging. So again, there might be freak-outs.
e) I'm hugely sarcastic.
And with all that said, here we go!
Meet Jamie. He has absolutely no interest in having children and is terrible with women.
Jamie: It's fucking tragically true.
Too bad god has spoken and named him a legacy founder. Only because he's nicer on the eyes than his sister.
Jamie: Sonofabitch.
Now, let's go ahead and get the lame house tour out of the way. I do this because I love creeping on other people's houses, so you might enjoy creeping on mine, too.
This bed is CC and ended up glitching hardcore, so I replaced it with a base game bed later on. DO NOT BE AFRAID. YOUR EYES DO NOT DECEIVE YOU.
Fuck stoves. Fuck house fires.
Good times.
Building this house left Jamie with about $800 left, which was pretty much where I wanted him. Though there was hyperventilating and my fingers itched to Motherlode.
Jamie's LTW is Master of the Arts, so he's expected to max both his painting and guitar skills. So naturally the first thing he did was to paint for about seven hours while I stared boredly into space.
But he painted a unicorn. And a rainbow. So naturally I figured this legacy was doomed because he was giving me the finger by being tragically gay, but joke's on him. I have mods.
So he went inside to do manly things like play football video games. But I'm still not fooled.
Jamie: Hell yeah, tackle that tight end! Wide receiver! Other innuendos!
Jamie: Fuuuuck this game. Why am I suddenly so sexually frustrated?
Not a man amongst us knows, baby.
So, I figured since Jamie was so tragically poor he really should get a job. Naturally he wanted to be a professional painter, but I told him that unless he wanted to live at the fire station and shower at the gym, he should probably try something more legit for awhile.
When I checked his Occupation tab I found this. And I immediately gave him the creeped out side-eye. I have no idea how he got this job and no sim of mine should ever work with children. dfkdfgh ew.
So he immediately called and quit.
Jamie: Yeah, I think maybe you forgot to do a thorough enough background check on me...
And then it was off to the theater with him to get a job in music as a Fan.
Jamie: I don't understand this. Why am I working at a movie theater? And since when is being a groupie considered a job?
Just shut up and go with it.
Oh his way out he stopped to take a video of a pink-haired girl talking to herself about yetis.
Pink-Haired Girl: You know, there's a fetish website for everything these days...
Jamie: (This is going to bump my YouTube views like crazy. Maybe it'll go viral and Ellen will call me.)
And then back home for a nutritious dinner of ice cream. Because again, fuck stoves and fuck house fires.
Gratuitous shower shot for all you lovers out there.
Jamie then proceeded to spite me yet again by deciding to watch TV for the rest of the night instead of going out and looking for some tail.
Jamie: Reality TV is really going downhill. I'm so tired of shows about deformed little people crashing weddings.
Jamie: Sleep is for the weak. I need to Keep Up with the Kardashians!
But he finally succumbed and spent the evening dreaming about beautiful music. Like the woman he is.
Jamie: I wonder if I started sunbathing in the nude, would the mailwoman just ~accidentally~ forget to deliver my bills..?
Jamie: La dee da, what a surprise. There's nothing exciting to do in this town.
Randomly then this happened, and I seriously snorted my Dr. Pepper. I love Twallan's SP.
While Jamie was boredly reading the paper, because that's what grown-up's do, he spied pink-haired yeti fetish girl walking down the street.
Jamie: If she's into huge, hairy beasts, I might have a shot!
So he ran after her to introduce herself.
Her name is Reno and it turns out she's some sort of celebrity and had no interest in Jamie because he had no interest in cryptozoology.
Reno: Nessie is just so misunderstood!
Jamie: (Her fetish is seriously starting to creep me out.)
Jamie: Check it; I'm cool with whatever creepy shit you're into as long as you're cool with me knocking you up so we can have babies. You're pretty cute and I want cute babies.
Reno: Babies? I love kids!
Jamie: (Holy shit, her eyes are bugging out...)
Reno: In fact, I'm pretty much as childish as they come! I can relate to kids like no one's business!
Jamie: (Wow, okay, just back away slowly...)
With that bullet dodged, Jamie left for his first day of work. We discovered that his boss is the only vampire in town, and for some insane reason after his first day on the job he came out of work with her as his best friend.
And also rolled this wish, which I deleted for his own sake and safety. Probably not the best way to get a promotion, baby.
Jamie: Being this much of a pimp is hard work. I need to take a nap.
He awoke with the overwhelming need to grant the masses his gift of song, but the only person that stopped to listen was a single mother of two named Veronica.
Veronica: Your chord progression is so amateur that it was putting me to sleep.
Jamie: Don't hate on me, woman. I'm currently in the middle of reading a book outlining in detail the precise scientific formula for shutting you up. And I am not above using it on you untested.
Veronica: Ew, you suck.
Veronica: God, what does a single mom have to do to find love in this town?!
Jamie: Uuuugghh, kill me noooow...
Veronica: Love, love, love, boring stuff about love!
Jamie: I'm about to fall asleep again.
Jamie: You. Piss off. It's no wonder you're single.
Veronica: You are such a disrespectful little shit!
And then she stormed off and life was calm once again.
Jamie went to sleep that night and dreamed mainly about how awesome it would be if his house was cast in the next Twilight movie.
And then this happened. Apparently pedobear-ing runs in the Mercer family.
Jamie: SWEET JESUS I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO SHOCKINGLY HUNGRY IN MY LIFE.
You are such a drama queen.
Today it was decided that Jamie would make a concerted effort to find a woman (even though I knew he'd fail since he sucks with them.)
He spent the day judging and scowling at local artists work in order to gain more cred at work.
And then that evening he went to a club called Aqua. The only club in town. And there were only two other people there so he played foosball by himself.
Jamie: Okay, I just watched this on TV. Kick the ball at a teammate, scream at the umpire, and then rip your shirt off and the crowd cheers...
Our intrepid hero was immensely bored and decided to give Winter a call to see if she wanted to hang out. Because if all else failed, he could always have vampire babies, right?
Jamie: Hey, what's up? I'm at this really badass club called Aqua and I was wonder-
Winter: No. *hangs up*
Jamie: -ing if you wanted to be a total bitch.
Random Dude: (Do I smell fail?) *edge away*
So, Jamie left the club in a total huff before heading into the local library. Because nerdy girls are always desperate for love, right?
Oh. Hey, hottie.
Her name is Machi and they spent some time discussing how boring books were and how much they hated them. While both were voluntarily in a library. Yeah, I don't fucking get it, either.
Machi: I hate reading but I love writing. I'm just totally progressive and avant garde like that.
Jamie: Uh huh... (I don't even care.)
Machi: Oh my god, you're not even listening to meeee!
Jamie: Not... so much, no.
And then she left. Because... well. I would have, too.
And Prince Charming spent the rest of the evening reading a book he had to read for work. Even though his creepy vampire boss had blown him off.
He decided to try again later, because she was still his best friend and that had to count for something, right?
Jamie: Hey, Winter! How's it going? Are you doing anything today?
Jamie: ...right, staying inside and not bursting into flames. That's cool. I get that.
He then rolled the want to get another tattoo, so that happened.
Jamie: (I can't believe I'm letting this dude permanently emboss my fine body with ink.)
Tattoo Dude: (Is it lunch time yet?)
Um. Okay. What.
Click to viewI am reminded of the Excessive Machine from Barbarella. This is extremely NSFW but funny as hell. He tries to kill her with orgasms but she breaks the machine because she's so hardcore she can take it.
MOVING ON.
As soon as Jamie was finished breaking the excessive machine getting his tattoo, he glanced out the window and saw a hooker beautiful woman walking down the street.
Jamie: *drools a little*
So after throwing some cash at the tattoo guy, Jamie nearly ate shit on the stairs trying to run down to catch her before she wandered off.
Pretty Girl: (Who the hell is this freak and why is he following me?)
Jamie: Hi, my name is Jamie and I'm just going to get straight to the point. Are you married? Seeing anyone? The obnoxious mother of two children? Insane in any way?
Pretty Girl: ...
Pretty Girl: (Why am I even letting him babble at me? He's probably a serial killer.)
But in reality Jamie was smitten. Certainly not a believer in love at first sight, he couldn't quite put a finger on what it was about her that charmed him so much. But he finally got her name - Ayu - out of her and yes, she was single.
They chatted for a bit and he was able to convince her that he was sane and perfectly safe, and the two seemed to take to each other pretty quickly.
Jamie: +
Ayu: +
Thank fucking god.
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If you made it all the way through, thank you so much for reading! I hope I managed to entertain. I should have another update up, probably as soon as tomorrow, considering I've already played well passed this.
Next time: Jamie breaks the gym, Ayu and Jamie's first date, and Winter attempts to wedge herself in-between the new lovebirds. That bitch.