I'm speechless. I absolutely love the fairy tale aspect you bring to this fic; so dreamy and abstract and yet so applicable to canon. omg. *______*
Then the time came for them to lay together and he penetrated her. This is the only one thing that jarred me a little. "Penetrated" sounds like a very impersonal word to me, and it sort of pulled me out of the narrative... Maybe you could say, "Then the time came for them to lay together. This was the first time a god bled." But that's just a little thing and of course you don't have to change it if you like it this way more. :)
“If a snake ever bit the people closest to you, you would take it home, thinking it was more reliable than them.” The sound of her steps is sharp and muffled on the dusty floor. “If a snake ever bit the people closest to me, I would save those people and crush that snake under my heel.” So true! You've captured the difference between Orochimaru and Kushina with such a great example. :D
The words echo in the hollow of his spinal column and come to rest in the hollows of the bones around him. I LOVED this line. *___* The repeating of the hollows of Orochimaru and the hollows of the dead--it's like Orochimaru is drawing towards death, or maybe just Orochimaru's fascination with escaping death, or asfd;aljjl ka;sfdj I don't know ;____; so awesome. *_*
Just--so, so beautiful. I really don't know what to say. Minato and Kushina as luna moths, Kushina being affected by all the natural energy (talk about natural resonance!), Orochimaru's thoughts at the end.
This story was utterly gorgeous. Thank you for writing it. :)
I don't really like the word 'penetrated' either, but I wasn't sure it would be clear WHY she bled if I didn't put it in there.
“If a snake ever bit the people closest to you, you would take it home, thinking it was more reliable than them.” The sound of her steps is sharp and muffled on the dusty floor. “If a snake ever bit the people closest to me, I would save those people and crush that snake under my heel.” This was actually the first thing I wrote!! I kept skipping around in this one. The story is probably clearer to you than me, because I was so mixed up with the plot when I wrote it!! XD
The words echo in the hollow of his spinal column and come to rest in the hollows of the bones around him. This was also one of the first things I wrote. It didn't start out that good, and I'm glad you like the repitition. Normally I hate repitition, but it works here. I didn't even think of all the meaning that you just wrote about. Just goes to show you a work can mean more to a reader than an author. XP
And the Luna Moths!! Those were a total after thought.
;alsdkjfljdf;l You're welcome? XD *BLUSH* You can't see it from your compy, but I'm smiling a mile a minute. (I don't think I've ever been thanked for a fic before!! It pleases me.)
I personally think it would be okay if you took it out. Truth be told, after some time, most people in fandom find it easy to read into the implicit sex. (I am one of them. >_> ^^;) :P And--well, I hope I'm not sounding too pushy. But saying "penetrate" sort of reminds me of... like, a sex manual or something. *sheepish*
Haha, I love repetition. XDD That line made me squee so much. :D
I'm glad it pleases you. :) This fic is eminently please-worthy. <3
I'm speechless. I absolutely love the fairy tale aspect you bring to this fic; so dreamy and abstract and yet so applicable to canon. omg. *______*
Then the time came for them to lay together and he penetrated her.
This is the only one thing that jarred me a little. "Penetrated" sounds like a very impersonal word to me, and it sort of pulled me out of the narrative... Maybe you could say, "Then the time came for them to lay together. This was the first time a god bled." But that's just a little thing and of course you don't have to change it if you like it this way more. :)
“If a snake ever bit the people closest to you, you would take it home, thinking it was more reliable than them.” The sound of her steps is sharp and muffled on the dusty floor. “If a snake ever bit the people closest to me, I would save those people and crush that snake under my heel.”
So true! You've captured the difference between Orochimaru and Kushina with such a great example. :D
The words echo in the hollow of his spinal column and come to rest in the hollows of the bones around him.
I LOVED this line. *___* The repeating of the hollows of Orochimaru and the hollows of the dead--it's like Orochimaru is drawing towards death, or maybe just Orochimaru's fascination with escaping death, or asfd;aljjl ka;sfdj I don't know ;____; so awesome. *_*
Just--so, so beautiful. I really don't know what to say. Minato and Kushina as luna moths, Kushina being affected by all the natural energy (talk about natural resonance!), Orochimaru's thoughts at the end.
This story was utterly gorgeous. Thank you for writing it. :)
♥
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I don't really like the word 'penetrated' either, but I wasn't sure it would be clear WHY she bled if I didn't put it in there.
“If a snake ever bit the people closest to you, you would take it home, thinking it was more reliable than them.” The sound of her steps is sharp and muffled on the dusty floor. “If a snake ever bit the people closest to me, I would save those people and crush that snake under my heel.” This was actually the first thing I wrote!! I kept skipping around in this one. The story is probably clearer to you than me, because I was so mixed up with the plot when I wrote it!! XD
The words echo in the hollow of his spinal column and come to rest in the hollows of the bones around him. This was also one of the first things I wrote. It didn't start out that good, and I'm glad you like the repitition. Normally I hate repitition, but it works here. I didn't even think of all the meaning that you just wrote about. Just goes to show you a work can mean more to a reader than an author. XP
And the Luna Moths!! Those were a total after thought.
;alsdkjfljdf;l You're welcome? XD *BLUSH* You can't see it from your compy, but I'm smiling a mile a minute. (I don't think I've ever been thanked for a fic before!! It pleases me.)
Reply
Haha, I love repetition. XDD That line made me squee so much. :D
I'm glad it pleases you. :) This fic is eminently please-worthy. <3
Reply
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