Sorry, I just need to vent
It's just past 6am and while I'm usually awake at this time anyway (gotta love third shift) I'm exhausted, but for some reason I can't sleep. I have way too much on my mind and I think I just need to
I started writing this huge long vent but in reality, the details don't matter much. It boils down to this: I was with my ex-husband for 4 years, married for one of those years. He turned into a manipulative and abusive asshole and we started the divorce process last December.
When my ex stated he wanted a divorce it was in mid-November last year, but he didn't file the paperwork until December when he figured out I was starting to have an interest in someone else (which he figured out by hacking into my locked phone). In less than a week he cleared out our bank account (filled with inheritance money from my father's passing), filed for divorce and filed a bogus restraining order leaving me penniless and homeless in December in WI. I ended up moving in with my friend and he quickly became my boyfriend.
Fast forward to March of this year when I find out I'm pregnant. My boyfriend was ecstatic and I was... nervous to say the least, but happy as well. The divorce was going to be final in May but then I found out that now it can't be dismissed until the baby is born because of marital presumption. Basically, the state considers the baby to be my husband's until DNA tests prove otherwise, and those tests obviously can't be done until after the baby is born. It's dumb and everyone I talk to says they've never heard of it before, but apparently it's how things work in most states.
In the meantime there's still much drama going on. My ex is still holding my personal property hostage - stuff that was purchased with inheritance, which is by law mine. My father had a long history of mental illness and substance abuse problems. In the weeks before his passing he talked about killing himself because he knew I would get a sizable chunk of money and that I was struggling financially. While his death certificate doesn't state suicide, I know in my heart his death wasn't an accident. While I'm completely over my ex emotionally, I'm not over what he's doing to me. He's keeping my stuff and still has a chunk of money that is mine. I've given the evidence to my attorney but this stuff just takes time. I still feel like my father's death was for nothing, and I feel a huge cloud of guilt hovering over me.
Financially I'm a disaster. I left the marriage with only student loan debt and now I have just over $12,000 in credit card debt, all from attorneys fees and stuff I had to purchase (again) to live on my own, as well as car repairs. I only work part-time while I'm in school while my ex works full time and makes double what I do, but yet he gets to keep everything until we decide what I can take. Basically, he has control over everything. I hate the feeling of someone else having control over my life like this, especially someone so manipulative and vindictive. I need some of that stuff back to sell to be honest, to pay down my debt or else I'll be filing for bankruptcy (which of course leaves my husband to pay the debt heh). The problem is, my boyfriend and I both work third shift and neither of us can switch shifts. There aren't any third shift daycare's in our area and a private sitter would cost more than I take home every week. Financially it makes the most sense for me to leave my job and stay home and just focus on baby and school, which I can do all online.
The problem with that is insurance. I'm a type 1 diabetic so I have a TON of medical bills. Right now I'm on my husband's insurance, which is government insurance and INSANELY good. His insurance will pay for all prenatal care and the delivery while my boyfriend's will obviously cover the baby. Once the divorce is final though, I have to wait 6 months until I can be remarried to get on my boyfriend's insurance. I have no idea what to do for insurance for 6 months. COBRA will cost $600/month which is nearly 25% of my boyfriend's take home pay, so that isn't an option. I'm trying to look into some type of government insurance but it's looking grim. Everyone keeps telling me it's my choice to leave my job (which does offer insurance) but in reality it isn't, unless they want me to leave an infant at home alone for 4 hours a night, or that my boyfriend makes too much money. If I don't figure something out by February (when the divorce should be final) I'm screwed. My boyfriend keeps saying that he will get another job to pay for my insurance, but given the job he has and the strict rules he's under it's just not very plausible (he drives for his job, so he has to have 10 hours in a row of no work which severely limits him). If I get a part-time job it won't be nearly enough to cover the COBRA premiums plus it leaves my boyfriend to care for the baby during the day leaving him sleepless to drive for work, not to mention school will just take longer and cost us more in the long run.
My boyfriend is absolutely wonderful. He works hard and has been supporting me (emotionally and financially) through all of this which he obviously never had to do. He's so excited to be a dad. I try so hard to focus on that and what I'm gaining from all of this - a great guy and my son. I look at his picture every day in an attempt to feel better, but a lot of times it just makes me feel worse. I can't feel good about bringing my son into a world that treats people this way. That lets people like my ex have control and steal money while a pregnant woman struggles to afford food and life-saving prescriptions. I've thought about ending the pregnancy several times but I just can't bring myself to do it. I love him so much already and would do anything for him.
I feel bad for what my son is going through right now inside of me. I cry every day about the situation, several times a day. Not just a few tears, but uncontrollable sobbing to the point where my stomach hurts and I can't breathe. I can't sleep (or I sleep too much) and I can't control my blood sugars either. I'm stressed out and I can't focus on anything. Half the time I forget to take my prenatal vitamin, just because I can't think straight. I don't eat healthy at all because again, I can't concentrate. I forget to eat or I just don't have the energy to make something healthy. I'm in therapy, but it doesn't fix anything. It doesn't get me what I need to keep living. If I don't figure out insurance soon, I'm dead. Literally. Even if I survive the 6 months of no insurance and no medication, I then have a pre-existing condition so my boyfriend's insurance won't cover me for a year. So that's a year and a half with no coverage, which is a death sentence.
If money and insurance problems weren't enough, I feel bad for my boyfriend. He doesn't get any paid time off after the baby is born and work won't let him switch his vacations to use that time for leave. We figure if we save we can afford for him to take a week off, tops. Which leaves me home alone for 10 hours a night with a one week old while I'm still recovering from giving birth or, very possibly, having a c-section. I could probably get my mom to help a few nights, and his parents to take one or two days off each, but I need the help at night when they're normally asleep, so I don't know how helpful they'll actually be.
I'm 24w 3d along and since I'll be induced early that means I've got about 3 months to get my shit together. I feel like this should be one of the happiest times of my life, but instead it's turning into one of the worst. The worst part is just the guilt of what all of this stress and lack of care is doing to my son. I don't need any of this right now.
I started writing this huge long vent but in reality, the details don't matter much. It boils down to this: I was with my ex-husband for 4 years, married for one of those years. He turned into a manipulative and abusive asshole and we started the divorce process last December.
When my ex stated he wanted a divorce it was in mid-November last year, but he didn't file the paperwork until December when he figured out I was starting to have an interest in someone else (which he figured out by hacking into my locked phone). In less than a week he cleared out our bank account (filled with inheritance money from my father's passing), filed for divorce and filed a bogus restraining order leaving me penniless and homeless in December in WI. I ended up moving in with my friend and he quickly became my boyfriend.
Fast forward to March of this year when I find out I'm pregnant. My boyfriend was ecstatic and I was... nervous to say the least, but happy as well. The divorce was going to be final in May but then I found out that now it can't be dismissed until the baby is born because of marital presumption. Basically, the state considers the baby to be my husband's until DNA tests prove otherwise, and those tests obviously can't be done until after the baby is born. It's dumb and everyone I talk to says they've never heard of it before, but apparently it's how things work in most states.
In the meantime there's still much drama going on. My ex is still holding my personal property hostage - stuff that was purchased with inheritance, which is by law mine. My father had a long history of mental illness and substance abuse problems. In the weeks before his passing he talked about killing himself because he knew I would get a sizable chunk of money and that I was struggling financially. While his death certificate doesn't state suicide, I know in my heart his death wasn't an accident. While I'm completely over my ex emotionally, I'm not over what he's doing to me. He's keeping my stuff and still has a chunk of money that is mine. I've given the evidence to my attorney but this stuff just takes time. I still feel like my father's death was for nothing, and I feel a huge cloud of guilt hovering over me.
Financially I'm a disaster. I left the marriage with only student loan debt and now I have just over $12,000 in credit card debt, all from attorneys fees and stuff I had to purchase (again) to live on my own, as well as car repairs. I only work part-time while I'm in school while my ex works full time and makes double what I do, but yet he gets to keep everything until we decide what I can take. Basically, he has control over everything. I hate the feeling of someone else having control over my life like this, especially someone so manipulative and vindictive. I need some of that stuff back to sell to be honest, to pay down my debt or else I'll be filing for bankruptcy (which of course leaves my husband to pay the debt heh). The problem is, my boyfriend and I both work third shift and neither of us can switch shifts. There aren't any third shift daycare's in our area and a private sitter would cost more than I take home every week. Financially it makes the most sense for me to leave my job and stay home and just focus on baby and school, which I can do all online.
The problem with that is insurance. I'm a type 1 diabetic so I have a TON of medical bills. Right now I'm on my husband's insurance, which is government insurance and INSANELY good. His insurance will pay for all prenatal care and the delivery while my boyfriend's will obviously cover the baby. Once the divorce is final though, I have to wait 6 months until I can be remarried to get on my boyfriend's insurance. I have no idea what to do for insurance for 6 months. COBRA will cost $600/month which is nearly 25% of my boyfriend's take home pay, so that isn't an option. I'm trying to look into some type of government insurance but it's looking grim. Everyone keeps telling me it's my choice to leave my job (which does offer insurance) but in reality it isn't, unless they want me to leave an infant at home alone for 4 hours a night, or that my boyfriend makes too much money. If I don't figure something out by February (when the divorce should be final) I'm screwed. My boyfriend keeps saying that he will get another job to pay for my insurance, but given the job he has and the strict rules he's under it's just not very plausible (he drives for his job, so he has to have 10 hours in a row of no work which severely limits him). If I get a part-time job it won't be nearly enough to cover the COBRA premiums plus it leaves my boyfriend to care for the baby during the day leaving him sleepless to drive for work, not to mention school will just take longer and cost us more in the long run.
My boyfriend is absolutely wonderful. He works hard and has been supporting me (emotionally and financially) through all of this which he obviously never had to do. He's so excited to be a dad. I try so hard to focus on that and what I'm gaining from all of this - a great guy and my son. I look at his picture every day in an attempt to feel better, but a lot of times it just makes me feel worse. I can't feel good about bringing my son into a world that treats people this way. That lets people like my ex have control and steal money while a pregnant woman struggles to afford food and life-saving prescriptions. I've thought about ending the pregnancy several times but I just can't bring myself to do it. I love him so much already and would do anything for him.
I feel bad for what my son is going through right now inside of me. I cry every day about the situation, several times a day. Not just a few tears, but uncontrollable sobbing to the point where my stomach hurts and I can't breathe. I can't sleep (or I sleep too much) and I can't control my blood sugars either. I'm stressed out and I can't focus on anything. Half the time I forget to take my prenatal vitamin, just because I can't think straight. I don't eat healthy at all because again, I can't concentrate. I forget to eat or I just don't have the energy to make something healthy. I'm in therapy, but it doesn't fix anything. It doesn't get me what I need to keep living. If I don't figure out insurance soon, I'm dead. Literally. Even if I survive the 6 months of no insurance and no medication, I then have a pre-existing condition so my boyfriend's insurance won't cover me for a year. So that's a year and a half with no coverage, which is a death sentence.
If money and insurance problems weren't enough, I feel bad for my boyfriend. He doesn't get any paid time off after the baby is born and work won't let him switch his vacations to use that time for leave. We figure if we save we can afford for him to take a week off, tops. Which leaves me home alone for 10 hours a night with a one week old while I'm still recovering from giving birth or, very possibly, having a c-section. I could probably get my mom to help a few nights, and his parents to take one or two days off each, but I need the help at night when they're normally asleep, so I don't know how helpful they'll actually be.
I'm 24w 3d along and since I'll be induced early that means I've got about 3 months to get my shit together. I feel like this should be one of the happiest times of my life, but instead it's turning into one of the worst. The worst part is just the guilt of what all of this stress and lack of care is doing to my son. I don't need any of this right now.