(no subject)
So I thought things were peachy. Better than peachy actually. Next year didn't seem so bad and the rest of summer seemed to be looking like a good, strong finish. Then today happened. And I lost sight of why I thought things were so awesome. How do I even put into words how I feel right now? Worse than disappointment. More like tear-jerking, earth-shattering heartbreak. Yet, at the same time, forced to feel so fucking proud of myself that I can't even give my dead ambition the proper, depressing goodbye. Here I am, a student in good standing, being requested to learn under the lead teacher of second year nursing. Being personally asked to ditch my already set schedule to give myself probably the best opportunity this course could give me in all 4 years of study. Change from a short Wednesday and a long Friday doing mediocre work at the hospital, to a long Wednesday doing extraordinary work at the hospital and a short Friday. How do I pass that up?! Especially when the one open spot is offered to me, nobody else, just me. And at what cost, other than my dilemma, but a bitch teacher and a little more work. Something I always thought I could handle. But apparently not. I don't know what to do. I wanted volleyball. I wanted the gear and I wanted the pride in knowing that I played post-secondary ball. I needed to prove to myself that I was able, that I am a real athlete. And taking this nursing gig rips it out of my hands. I go to all these people for advice and all I get is that second year is bitch and people can't even handle that alone, and I am trying to fit in volleyball, hockey and a part time job too. Its basically laughing in my face and telling me what a joke I am for thinking I was able. I want to prove them wrong. But I don't even know what I am getting myself into. And I absolutely refuse to walk into a volleyball season and bail midway through. Not to mention I also refuse to walk out of a class with average or less than average grades. I am not a quitter. But really, I can't drop my job, I love hockey..it doesn't take up an extensive amount of time, I paid already and it keeps me close to my best friend..and this opportunity given to me will not slip through my hands. Because I want to learn and do more and be the best nurse possible. And I have that ability. This change is a catalyst to what I can do in the future. It is proof that others think I can do it. Its proof to myself that I am smart enough. That there really isn't something better for me..that this is what I am destined to do! So I guess I have no choice. Volleyball is out. And I really shouldn't keep going to summer sessions, teasing myself, reminding myself what I will be missing out on. I give.