Harry Potter -- Dumbledore's Demise
Title - Dumbledore's Demise
Author - precognativeSPORK ( precog_spork )
Genre - Humour
Rating - PG
Spoilers - HBP
Disclaimer - I pretty much own nothing. I'll leave the owning of the Potter-verse to the Clever people, and I'll stay in the corner with my safety scissors and glitter glue
Summary - The REAL death of our favourite headmaster... and really odd, disturbing story Jo didn't want you to know.
- - -
The night was as dark as... burnt pudding when Voldy-pants (more commonly known as Voldemort), the master of all evil, strolled into Hogwarts. He walked resolutely up to the floor of Dumbledore's office, extremely conscious of all the students staring at him absurdly as he passed. 'When did they get so SHORT!' he wondered to himself.
The Dark Lord marched doggedly up the many flights of stairs until he reached a familiar sight, that stupid stone gargoyle. It was then that he remembered that he didn't know the password. Frustrated, he kicked the gargoyle while shouting something random; I think it was FRY-SAUCE but I cannot be certain.
Surprisingly, the thing jumped aside. Voldy-pants, shocked and slightly pleased, giggled gleefully and went inside the office. It was as it always was; overly cluttered and too warm for comfort. His Evilness spied Dumbledore sitting at his desk concentrating on a muggle crossword puzzle, his tongue jutting out to one side.
Voldy-pants coughed loudly. A very large AHEM you could say it was. The Hogwarts headmaster jumped up and grabbed his wand, pointing it at the master of evil that he had been fighting for years and years.
"Tom? What're you doing here?" asked Dumbledore, perplexed. He paused for a minute, then said, "And... how'd you get in here?"
Voldy jumped back. "Argh, stop with the pointing of the wand at me. I've had enough... I came to say, 'I'm sorry' but if you're just going to keep pointing that thing at me it's never going to work between us."
Dumbledore looked even more befuddled but lowered his wand. "Oh."
Voldy started sniffling. "Albus... I'm SOOOOORRRRRRYYYYYYYYYY," he screeched. The Dark Lord started crying. Huge, massive sobs. It was pathetic, really. 'Specially since he doesn't have much of a nose, and you know when you start crying your nose gets all wonky. Well Voldy-Pants's nose was really wonky at this point.
Dumbledore crossed the room and pulled the evil one into a tight hug. He had started sniffling too. "It's oooooookkkkkaaaaay, Tom. I forgive you!" He began to cry as well, even worse than Mister Voldy.
They stood there for a long time hugging and crying. The two foes had become friends...
Or did they? There was a cackle of high pitched laughter and Lord Voldy-Pants held his wand aloft and shouted, "Avada Kedavra." There was a flash of green light, and the Vold-ster looked anxiously in Dumbledore's direction.
To Voldy's surprise, Dumbledore didn't die right away. He just stood there, dazed. "Uh, you're s'posed to be dead," said his darkness.
Dumbledore looked down where the curse had hit him. "Am I not?"
"No, your not," said Voldy, getting annoyed that his plan hadn't worked.
"Hmm... we better fix that then," Dumbly said and flopped backwards onto his desk. "Huuuuuurrrrrr BLEH!" and he was dead.
Voldy jumped up and down with glee. "Yaaaayyyy. I won. I won... hurray!"
In the midst of Voldy-pants's happy dance, a short chubby squirrel dressed in a Ministry of Magic uniform walked in to the office, pulled out a large lime green megaphone, and shouted very loudly that, "THIS STORY HAS OFFICIALLY BEEN DECLARED FINISHED ON THE GROUNDS OF IT BEING ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS, NON-SENSICAL AND TOTALLY OUT OF CHARACTER!"
She stuffed the megaphone back into her uniform, then scurried up onto Voldy-Pants and slapped a large piece of grey tape on to the Dark Lord's forehead that read, 'Death by Malapropism - The Batman.'
The END
- - -
Notes - I don't know where this came from but it had to come out. Many thanks to Jhonka for giving me the Blot-Punny while we were at camp.
I really hope that no one comes after me about how stupid this is... It amuses me and that's all that matters... so there... heheheheeee...
...I really belong in a mental insitute...
Author - precognativeSPORK ( precog_spork )
Genre - Humour
Rating - PG
Spoilers - HBP
Disclaimer - I pretty much own nothing. I'll leave the owning of the Potter-verse to the Clever people, and I'll stay in the corner with my safety scissors and glitter glue
Summary - The REAL death of our favourite headmaster... and really odd, disturbing story Jo didn't want you to know.
- - -
The night was as dark as... burnt pudding when Voldy-pants (more commonly known as Voldemort), the master of all evil, strolled into Hogwarts. He walked resolutely up to the floor of Dumbledore's office, extremely conscious of all the students staring at him absurdly as he passed. 'When did they get so SHORT!' he wondered to himself.
The Dark Lord marched doggedly up the many flights of stairs until he reached a familiar sight, that stupid stone gargoyle. It was then that he remembered that he didn't know the password. Frustrated, he kicked the gargoyle while shouting something random; I think it was FRY-SAUCE but I cannot be certain.
Surprisingly, the thing jumped aside. Voldy-pants, shocked and slightly pleased, giggled gleefully and went inside the office. It was as it always was; overly cluttered and too warm for comfort. His Evilness spied Dumbledore sitting at his desk concentrating on a muggle crossword puzzle, his tongue jutting out to one side.
Voldy-pants coughed loudly. A very large AHEM you could say it was. The Hogwarts headmaster jumped up and grabbed his wand, pointing it at the master of evil that he had been fighting for years and years.
"Tom? What're you doing here?" asked Dumbledore, perplexed. He paused for a minute, then said, "And... how'd you get in here?"
Voldy jumped back. "Argh, stop with the pointing of the wand at me. I've had enough... I came to say, 'I'm sorry' but if you're just going to keep pointing that thing at me it's never going to work between us."
Dumbledore looked even more befuddled but lowered his wand. "Oh."
Voldy started sniffling. "Albus... I'm SOOOOORRRRRRYYYYYYYYYY," he screeched. The Dark Lord started crying. Huge, massive sobs. It was pathetic, really. 'Specially since he doesn't have much of a nose, and you know when you start crying your nose gets all wonky. Well Voldy-Pants's nose was really wonky at this point.
Dumbledore crossed the room and pulled the evil one into a tight hug. He had started sniffling too. "It's oooooookkkkkaaaaay, Tom. I forgive you!" He began to cry as well, even worse than Mister Voldy.
They stood there for a long time hugging and crying. The two foes had become friends...
Or did they? There was a cackle of high pitched laughter and Lord Voldy-Pants held his wand aloft and shouted, "Avada Kedavra." There was a flash of green light, and the Vold-ster looked anxiously in Dumbledore's direction.
To Voldy's surprise, Dumbledore didn't die right away. He just stood there, dazed. "Uh, you're s'posed to be dead," said his darkness.
Dumbledore looked down where the curse had hit him. "Am I not?"
"No, your not," said Voldy, getting annoyed that his plan hadn't worked.
"Hmm... we better fix that then," Dumbly said and flopped backwards onto his desk. "Huuuuuurrrrrr BLEH!" and he was dead.
Voldy jumped up and down with glee. "Yaaaayyyy. I won. I won... hurray!"
In the midst of Voldy-pants's happy dance, a short chubby squirrel dressed in a Ministry of Magic uniform walked in to the office, pulled out a large lime green megaphone, and shouted very loudly that, "THIS STORY HAS OFFICIALLY BEEN DECLARED FINISHED ON THE GROUNDS OF IT BEING ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS, NON-SENSICAL AND TOTALLY OUT OF CHARACTER!"
She stuffed the megaphone back into her uniform, then scurried up onto Voldy-Pants and slapped a large piece of grey tape on to the Dark Lord's forehead that read, 'Death by Malapropism - The Batman.'
The END
- - -
Notes - I don't know where this came from but it had to come out. Many thanks to Jhonka for giving me the Blot-Punny while we were at camp.
I really hope that no one comes after me about how stupid this is... It amuses me and that's all that matters... so there... heheheheeee...
...I really belong in a mental insitute...