ice breakers
I don’t know sometimes I feel I must write. It’s usually if I’m sad. It’s been a while. For the longest time, I’ve been by myself. Even when I am around other people, I will usually feel alone. In group situations, like in teacher training, others gravitate toward each other during downtime, and I’ve noticed some have established relationships as friends outside of the classroom. I don’t want to sound like some depressed person, because I’d like to think that I’m not like that anymore. I am more social than in the past, but when I am around people I just meet it’s extra hard for me. Not sure why.
At work it’s pretty lonely. I mean, I am around other people and we say our hello and how are you’s. With those people who I work more closely with, we might exchange semi-personal stories just because that’s what you do. Maybe it’s because I’m too cynical to get “involved” with my co-workers, to participate in trivial conversation. I want to go beyond that, and I know that’s possible because I see it. Who can I be friends with?
I sound desperate! I’m really not. I prefer to work alone, which is one of the reasons I do the work that I do. So, by default, I am automatically alone a lot, which is ok. It’s just when I see people connect that I want to experience the same kinship. Everyone here is older than me. This might affect things a little. I don’t know. I was friends with people at my last job who were older than me, but it did take time. I’m so aloof, especially when first meeting people, that maybe they are intimidated? I’ve been told this before, but it came from my mom so I never knew if I should take it too seriously or what.
So the holidays are coming. Mostly everyone in my department will be out starting tomorrow until we come back on Jan. 2, because we are closed the last week in December. I’m looking forward to the silence here next week (ironically, after what I just said!)
…and I’m coming back to this hours later…and feel silly because I happened to eat lunch with my coworkers today! As I was writing this, a woman I work with asked me to join her and others for lunch. The reason I was writing this entry was because today is the “holiday” lunch in the cafeteria (where they serve a holiday lunch…turkey and stuff(ing!) for free)…and I didn’t think I was going to have anyone to eat with. This is what usually happens. I end up surprising myself, or being surprised by someone. So I ate lunch with some people and all was good.
AND THEN later on this girl I work with who is actually my age I think, or close to it, said she liked my sweater and that I always wear cute clothes! She asked if I like it here so far, and that others like me….I was like ok well that’s good!
It’s as if I am trained to look outside for approval. I need to break this, quick. I’m noticing it more now than ever, I guess this is what happens when you get older. I need to take some responsibility…I need to spoil myself! I can’t rely on others to do it for me, although Danielle does a pretty nice job… :) Seriously, it’s high time I stopped looking outside myself for fulfillment. It will never happen…what happens is an expectation I create in my mind is not met, and I am left to be writing…well, see above.
Why shouldn’t I be the one to create contact with people, make connections, be myself? Be myself. I think that’s why I avoid communication, because I fear exposure (and rejection). When I arrive at this point, and I often do, I find myself screaming to myself: It’s ok to take (what I think are) risks when communicating with other people, in fact it’ll be better because I’ll be showing more of myself and find myself being ok with that…and have more meaningful relationships. it’s a domino effect. If I take chances and show more of myself then I am less tense, and my breathing changes, and my face becomes a little lighter. I don’t know.
Last night I went to Jim’s yoga class and I am usually restless in meditation, especially if it is before we move. But this was very different, very needed. I felt, I guess because I let myself, very grounded and serene. This isn’t always the case, but it was at that moment. It’s like my body actually became warmer, and I felt like something was surrounding me, protecting me. And so I sat there, feeling small and enclosed, but still felt comfortable holding my space and taking in whatever. Just being still, breathing, smiling. I think it may have been the people there (me and just 3 other students)…people can do that, even when they are sitting next to you and doing their own thing-they can still give off good, hot energy that you can feel.
today i surfed the internet at work, a lot. i was looking for blogs on teaching yoga....and where i can find a cool looking yoga mat/ and bag. i just want one that doesn't cost a million dollars. i already have a mat, but i need variety when it comes to this stuff! i also would like some stuff for the walls in the yoga room/guest room/whatever. anyway, i found some cool things. www.yogalifestyle.com has some goodies.
time to go home. i'm teaching tonight...well teaching Danielle :) next week i begin at this place: www.tranquilnaturewellness.com
a lil scurred
At work it’s pretty lonely. I mean, I am around other people and we say our hello and how are you’s. With those people who I work more closely with, we might exchange semi-personal stories just because that’s what you do. Maybe it’s because I’m too cynical to get “involved” with my co-workers, to participate in trivial conversation. I want to go beyond that, and I know that’s possible because I see it. Who can I be friends with?
I sound desperate! I’m really not. I prefer to work alone, which is one of the reasons I do the work that I do. So, by default, I am automatically alone a lot, which is ok. It’s just when I see people connect that I want to experience the same kinship. Everyone here is older than me. This might affect things a little. I don’t know. I was friends with people at my last job who were older than me, but it did take time. I’m so aloof, especially when first meeting people, that maybe they are intimidated? I’ve been told this before, but it came from my mom so I never knew if I should take it too seriously or what.
So the holidays are coming. Mostly everyone in my department will be out starting tomorrow until we come back on Jan. 2, because we are closed the last week in December. I’m looking forward to the silence here next week (ironically, after what I just said!)
…and I’m coming back to this hours later…and feel silly because I happened to eat lunch with my coworkers today! As I was writing this, a woman I work with asked me to join her and others for lunch. The reason I was writing this entry was because today is the “holiday” lunch in the cafeteria (where they serve a holiday lunch…turkey and stuff(ing!) for free)…and I didn’t think I was going to have anyone to eat with. This is what usually happens. I end up surprising myself, or being surprised by someone. So I ate lunch with some people and all was good.
AND THEN later on this girl I work with who is actually my age I think, or close to it, said she liked my sweater and that I always wear cute clothes! She asked if I like it here so far, and that others like me….I was like ok well that’s good!
It’s as if I am trained to look outside for approval. I need to break this, quick. I’m noticing it more now than ever, I guess this is what happens when you get older. I need to take some responsibility…I need to spoil myself! I can’t rely on others to do it for me, although Danielle does a pretty nice job… :) Seriously, it’s high time I stopped looking outside myself for fulfillment. It will never happen…what happens is an expectation I create in my mind is not met, and I am left to be writing…well, see above.
Why shouldn’t I be the one to create contact with people, make connections, be myself? Be myself. I think that’s why I avoid communication, because I fear exposure (and rejection). When I arrive at this point, and I often do, I find myself screaming to myself: It’s ok to take (what I think are) risks when communicating with other people, in fact it’ll be better because I’ll be showing more of myself and find myself being ok with that…and have more meaningful relationships. it’s a domino effect. If I take chances and show more of myself then I am less tense, and my breathing changes, and my face becomes a little lighter. I don’t know.
Last night I went to Jim’s yoga class and I am usually restless in meditation, especially if it is before we move. But this was very different, very needed. I felt, I guess because I let myself, very grounded and serene. This isn’t always the case, but it was at that moment. It’s like my body actually became warmer, and I felt like something was surrounding me, protecting me. And so I sat there, feeling small and enclosed, but still felt comfortable holding my space and taking in whatever. Just being still, breathing, smiling. I think it may have been the people there (me and just 3 other students)…people can do that, even when they are sitting next to you and doing their own thing-they can still give off good, hot energy that you can feel.
today i surfed the internet at work, a lot. i was looking for blogs on teaching yoga....and where i can find a cool looking yoga mat/ and bag. i just want one that doesn't cost a million dollars. i already have a mat, but i need variety when it comes to this stuff! i also would like some stuff for the walls in the yoga room/guest room/whatever. anyway, i found some cool things. www.yogalifestyle.com has some goodies.
time to go home. i'm teaching tonight...well teaching Danielle :) next week i begin at this place: www.tranquilnaturewellness.com
a lil scurred