A Case of You [1/1]
(And so begins Angela's obnoxious one-spot posting, because she's too lazy to copy and paste everything from one place to the next. -fail-.)
Title: A Case of You [1/1]
Author: preciousthings9
Rating: PG
Pairings: Frank/Gerard
Dedication: None
Disclaimer: I own nothing, except the plot.
Summary: Frerard. And he wondered if it meant anything to him. To Gerard, that is.
A/N: Just one big cavity-giving, gag-inducing, want-to-throw-up-in-your-mouth piece of fluff. Or, my first ever attempt at such, lol. I'm used to smut and angst. This is like Greek to me. But I hope at least one person enjoys it.
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It was like he went deaf. Everything, the entire venue, the band, everything went silent, except for his heart. His heart pounded loudly in his chest and he was terrified that he would hear, but when Gerard pulled away all the sound came back. The screaming fans, the drums, the guitars, and the voice that belonged to the only thing he had ever really wanted. But he continued playing; he couldn’t let him see, he couldn’t let him know. It wasn’t even like the kiss was long or anything, though it seemed to Frank like an eternity; the feeling of Gerard’s hands in his hair and on his face, their lips together for a long awaited five seconds, not even. Frank gave a small noise and he leaned in, his delayed arms meeting the other’s back and pulling him in and, even if it only made a millisecond’s difference, it was completely worth it.
Frank had only ever dreamed of something like that to happen, and he wished it hadn’t been on stage in front of thousands, millions of people, but the very knowledge that it had, indeed, happened was satisfying enough. And he wondered if it meant anything to him. To Gerard, that is. They had never really addressed their fooling around on stage between one another; even since it became a little more heated during their current tour, the subject was never brought up. Frank had once convinced himself that he would never have the guts to address such a thing anyway, but now he was second guessing himself. All of what had happened most recently almost gave him a little bit of hope that maybe he had a chance, and that kiss only encouraged his hope.
He drummed his fingers against each other, his feet tapping somewhere beneath him due to the thoughts he was just thinking; the ones he was broken from when he heard his name, and he looked up around him at the other guys, but decided that they hadn’t been talking to him but, rather, about him. Frank just smiled and shifted to get more comfortable on the couch, making it a point to maybe inch to his left, inch to get just a smidgeon closer, inch to breathe in the near unfamiliar scent of his still damp hair, which covered up the scent he loved so much. They were in their hotel, sitting in something of a circle, Mikey and Bob on the floor, Ray in a chair that the former two were too lazy to go pull up for themselves as well, and Frank and Gerard on the couch.
“How was that, Frankie?”
Frank raised his eyebrows at Bob, his arms now crossed and his feet still tapping under him; they always kept these rooms so cold. “Sorry, what?” Bob smirked his smirk and Mikey kind of scoffed a short laugh to himself and Frank watched them. He was afraid to know what was so amusing. “No, I wasn’t paying attention.”
Bob’s smirk curled further at the ends and Frank felt his stomach twist because he knew what was coming, he knew what was coming, he knew what was … “What were you thinkin’ about?”
Fuck. Mikey laughed shortly again and Frank felt his face flush over slightly, though he hoped he only thought it did and it didn’t actually, and he forced a nervous laugh. He looked at his knees and picked at the fabric of his pants, because he knew that they had to know by then, though he was still unwilling to admit that Gerard knew. He prayed every night that Gerard didn’t know. Frank’s heart fluttered when he felt the man next to him give him a nudge and all he could think about were fucking cupcakes and rainbows. He looked at Gerard in response to the nudge, glancing at his hair because he wanted to smell it and then he thought about how weird that probably was. “It’s okay, Frankie.” Gerard smacked him lightly on the cheek a few times and Frank couldn’t hold back a small smile, though he tried, he did. “They’re just jealous that you got to kiss me and they didn’t.”
Frank’s smile widened because he could still remember how soft Gerard’s lips had felt on his, and when he thought about it a burst of butterflies erupted in his stomach. His fingers tightened around the fabric under them, because he needed to do something with them, and he nearly melted because Gerard smiled at him and he could have sworn that man had the most beautiful smile in the world.
And he realized that he hadn’t said anything yet and it probably didn’t look good on his part, and before he could say anything, Gerard kept talking (he should have expected) and he was saved, though he had to pull his eyes away from him because it wouldn’t be good to stare either. Frank mused over how difficult this whole ‘liking someone’ thing was. There were so many rules to follow, it seemed. It’s not like he hadn’t liked someone before, but this was different somehow. Everything about Gerard was different. He felt it, in that place where you always feel it, and he knew that he was different.
And lost in his head again; Frank cleared his throat and he wasn’t sure what made him look, but Mikey’s eyes shifted away from him as soon as he saw Frank notice his examining. Mikey was always like that, examining, checking, scoping out his surroundings, just general observing. It made Frank nervous. Not two minutes after the fact, said observer stretched and stood slowly, to which Gerard questioned him. “Going to bed, Mikes?”
Mikey nodded. “I’ll see you guys tomorrow.” They all said their good nights, and Mikey sauntered off with his hands in his pockets, like he usually did, and Frank half expected him to get shot a look, but he didn’t, which made him relieved.
Gerard rubbed his hands together and sighed, “I think I might get some sleep too.” Frank’s insides sunk and he did that thing where you try to concentrate real hard to pull the person back with your mind, in your head screaming for them to stay, don’t leave me. But Gerard got up and again, a chorus of good nights. Frank watched him leave and was about to get up too because he just noticed that only he, Bob, and Ray were still in the room, and knowing those two he guessed he was going to be interrogated. He wanted to get out as soon as possible. He tried to plan his escape as quickly as he could in his head, and just when he had smiled and told them he was going to follow The Brothers Way suit, Bob stopped him.
“Just a minute, Frank.” Shit. Bob held his hand forward and Ray joined him on the floor. Frank could feel the worry on his face and he bit the inside of his bottom lip, trying not to show that he probably knew what they wanted. He hugged himself tightly, his arms still crossed, and Bob raised a speculating eyebrow at him. “I think it’s about time we …” insert mock strategic word choice, “addressed … some things.”
Frank swallowed. “Like what?” He should have seen this coming from the beginning; they were finished touring for at least a few days, now they had time to momentarily concentrate on other things, Bob and Ray had time to bother him about his not-so-secret more-than admiration for their front man, and Frank had time to sit there and be interrogated.
Ray interjected with some more comforting words, because he knew that Bob would just be a creep, and he always knew when anyone was uncomfortable and right then, Frank was much more than uncomfortable. “We just think it’s about time you actually got some stuff out in the open.” Frank twisted his mouth to the side and shrugged; an open invitation for whatever they had to offer. Ray shifted forward slightly and asked Frank quietly, because the subject in question was just in the other room. “We wanted to talk about Gerard.”
Frank’s heart jumped at the name. “What about him?”
“You know,” Ray continued, matter-of-factly, “you might think you’re keeping some big secret, but you’re really not.” He smiled and Frank glanced at his knees unsurely. There was silence before the eldest of the three lowered his voice again and leaned forward toward his fellow guitarist. “Do you like him?”
Frank knew his face got red that time. His eyes shifted and he could hear his heart pounding against his ribcage. He shrugged after a moment and when neither Bob nor Ray said anything, he looked at them and raised his eyebrows. “I … guess …?” The two of them smiled widely and Frank groaned, pulling his hoodie up over his face and dropped onto his side, curling up into something of a ball. He heard Ray kind of laugh and Bob started poking him, singing something about wanting to hug him and kiss him and love him and it sounded familiar somehow but he wasn’t in the mood for it. Frank’s face emerged from his hoodie and he swatted at Bob’s hand and pointed to where Gerard had escaped to. “Sshhh! He can hear you!”
Bob laughed and whispered loudly. “You’re blushing!”
Frank hid his face again and whimpered, turning over so his back was facing them. He heard a sort of a thump and he knew Ray had smacked Bob on the back when he said, “Stop it, leave him alone.” Oh, Ray; always the peace maker. “Frank?” Frank gave a questioning ‘hm’ in response. Ray laughed again. “Can you turn around?”
Frank slowly turned over and only lowered the front of his hoodie away from his eyes and looked at Ray. He was smiling and somehow it made Frank feel better. “It’s okay.” He said. “If you like him, I mean. That’s okay.” Frank sighed and actually felt a little better. He was happy that they were okay with it and he wanted to tell them that, but he couldn’t really seem to decide what to do now. His head was spinning, and he felt detached from his body, because his not-so-secret secret was out, even though it most likely had been for a while, and he started to panic because that was just more of a chance of Gerard knowing.
Frank’s focus had fallen to somewhere between Ray and Bob and he pulled it back to Ray, lowering the front of his hoodie slightly, though still gripping it tightly in his hands. “Does Mikey know?” They both made an ‘ohhh, yeah’ face and nodded slowly. Frank’s eyes shifted and he decided his nose was cold so he pulled the fabric up over it again. He looked at them with just his eyes. “Is he mad?”
“No,” Ray said, in a quick reassurance, like if he had hesitated at all Frank wouldn’t have believed him, “No, he’s not. I think he knew before either of us did.” He shrugged and Frank let out a breath he wasn’t aware he was holding. “He’s totally okay with it, Frank, really. Don’t worry about him.”
Frank shifted and drew his legs back closer to his chest slightly, in an attempt to keep himself warm, and sighed, wishing to himself that he had socks on. He knew what he wanted to ask them next, but he didn’t know if he wanted the answer. In fact, there were a lot of questions he wanted to ask but didn’t want answered by anyone but the encouraging voice in his head, because that voice always knew what Frank wanted to hear. His insides jolted and his face flushed over at the shuffle of feet, followed by the familiar cigarette-worn voice. “I just decided that I’m fucking starving.”
Frank looked at Bob and Ray, panicked, and they just smiled suggestively, raising their eyebrows. Frank shook his head sharply, because he knew what they were going to do; he knew that they were going to get up and leave him there on the couch and Gerard would in turn go sit next to him and it would just be the two of them on the couch and just the thought of being alone and so close to him made Frank’s stomach tighten and get warm and he felt like he wanted to throw up and, oh, God. Ray was first to get up, and Bob followed straight after he gave Frank a teasing pinch on the cheek and scrunched his nose at him. Frank smacked his hand and sat up straight, mouthing a ‘fuck you’ and stuffing his hands in the front of his hoodie, tucking his legs underneath himself again.
He listened to Ray inform Gerard of he and Bob’s turning in for some sleep and Gerard said good night and Frank’s heart was pounding in his chest, a foot tapping anxiously under him. He heard a few creaky openings and closings of cabinets, and soft unidentifiable humming. Frank looked at his legs and twisted his fingers in his pocket, only looking up when Gerard had come to plant himself on the couch with a sandwich. He smiled at Frank and situated himself. “Going to sleep?”
Frank shook his head, watching Gerard study his sandwich for a moment before choosing which of the four pieces he should eat first. He looked at his knees; Gerard would divide his sandwich into quarters. He loved those little things about him, the little things that still made him seem so juvenile. Frank hadn’t had a sandwich sliced into quarters since he was in the 6th grade, and he was sure if he had had, he would look like a fucking douche. But if Gerard did something like that, it was perfectly okay, because it was Gerard, and those habitual and slightly compulsive things were almost expected of him.
“What?”
Frank looked up at Gerard, raising his eyebrows in a questioning manner. The older of them had already been looking at him. “What?”
Gerard did a bad job of keeping his amusement to himself. “You were smiling.”
Frank wrung his fingers in his pocket and pulled his best confused face. “Was I?” Gerard nodded, taking another bite of the fraction of sandwich in his hand. Frank looked at his knees and forced a short laugh. “I didn’t even notice.”
Gerard shrugged and faced forward. “It happens.” There was a long silence and Frank’s foot was still tapping vigorously beneath him, and he wondered if Gerard could feel the movement through the couch, so he stopped it from its incessancy. Another minute went by and Frank was in desperate need of some kind of movement because he was anxious. He shifted himself so his legs were out in front of him, his feet crossed over one another until he decided that that was also uncomfortable, so he just slid himself down slightly on the couch and let his legs take their natural position over the edge. He sighed, leaning his head back against the furniture, and stared at the wall across from him.
“You tired?”
Frank turned to face Gerard and shook his head slightly. “Not really.” He watched Gerard watch him and got a little lost in that face.
Gerard took another bite and leaned his head back as well, not taking his eyes off Frank and sending a bout of butterflies fluttering through his stomach. “You seem tired.”
He didn’t mean to ever, but sometimes Frank had a tendency to watch Gerard’s lips when he spoke because he loved the crookedness of them; there was always just one side of his mouth that was slightly turned upward. He looked from one eye to the other and the only thing Frank wanted to do was kiss him again, and there was a pang of hope in his chest that sent one of those frequent what-if scenarios running across his brain, imagining how it would be if Gerard leaned forward just then and knowing he would taste like peanut butter and jelly, but he didn’t care because …
Frank’s stomach sunk a little when Gerard turned away from him because, fuck, he hadn’t responded and he should have, but he was too distracted. “I’m just thinking.” Better late than never.
Gerard asked through a mouthful of his third quarter of sandwich. “About what?”
You. Frank turned his face forward and sighed, hugging his middle more tightly and racking his brain for something to be thinking about. Thankfully, he didn’t have to do much racking because the fourth quarter was in his face suddenly, and he knew Gerard had mistaken his trying to keep himself warm with indicating he was hungry too. Frank glanced at it and smiled, holding a hand up to it and shaking his head at Gerard. “No, thanks.”
“Are you sure?” Gerard looked at him, and Frank nodded. “I don’t want it.” He said it like he was trying to persuade Frank into taking it, but he just shook his head again. Gerard shrugged. “If you say so.”
Frank watched him get up and his stomach churned because he was sure Gerard was going to tell him good night and he was going to be left alone again with his hopeless longing thoughts, mentally punching himself in the face for not saying anything, but his insides flipped when Gerard sat back down next to him. Frank didn’t want to seem too excited, but he didn’t want to chase Gerard away, so he asked the first thing that popped into his head that seemed natural and not gay at all. “I thought you were going to bed?”
Gerard crossed his arms and made himself comfortable, raising his eyebrows at Frank and sighing. “What? And leave you sitting here by yourself?” He smiled and Frank held his breath. “Of course not.” Frank smiled back nervously and then looked at his legs.
They sat there in silence, and he wanted to tell Gerard that it was okay, he didn’t have to sit there with him, but at the same time he wished that they could sit together like that for the rest of the night. Frank blinked because his eyelids started to get heavy and he didn’t want to fall asleep just yet; they hadn’t even spoken at all, and that’s what he really wanted to do, even though silence was okay too because he just liked to be near him. He nodded into a split second of semi consciousness and shifted to wake himself up a little, hoping Gerard didn’t notice.
He didn’t say anything, so Frank figured he hadn’t. But maybe Gerard had fallen asleep and that’s why he hadn’t asked if he was tired again. Frank carefully looked to his left at Gerard, who had his head back and his eyes closed and Frank stole a moment to just watch him like that. He looked so cute, Frank decided, like nothing at all mattered, and he wondered what Gerard dreamt about. He knew that Mikey probably dreamt about unicorns, marshmallows, and flowers, but he couldn’t say the same for his brother. He figured Gerard probably had some kind of epic adventure dreams, in the little worlds in his head, in the places he found were perfect, with the people he loved, or maybe not. Maybe sleeping was his time to be alone with himself and the people he created in his mind, where they understood him completely.
After a minute or two, Frank noted the steady rhythm of Gerard’s chest and he concluded that he was, indeed, sleeping, and he carefully moved to his left before hesitantly leaning himself sideways and resting his head between Gerard’s shoulder and chest, fucking praying he was asleep. Frank smiled, taking in a long breath, taking in the scent of cigarettes and old CDs; he could always count on it being on his clothing. When Gerard hadn’t responded, Frank shut his eyes and shifted his body a little closer to get comfortable, his heart beating hard and fast against his ribs, and he sighed; just a few minutes.
He didn’t think anything of it at first, it was just his back against the fabric of the couch, but then there were fingers at his shoulder and Frank’s insides jolted and he started to sit up and away from Gerard, panicking because if Gerard didn’t know before, he sure as fuck knew now. “Oh, shit, I’m sorry, I didn’t …” Frank tensed nervously when the arm that had slithered around his shoulders pulled him back to his previous position and he whimpered, his pulse racing, and there was a soft shushing noise from above him and he felt his face go red.
“Just sleep, Frankie.” His voice was almost a whisper, and it made the muscle in Frank’s chest start pounding like it had on stage and he wondered if, because it was so quiet now, Gerard could hear it. “It’s okay.” The fingers around his shoulder tightened for a second and he pulled Frank closer against his chest, and Frank tried to hide his smile even though Gerard couldn’t see it, and he shut his eyes and shifted himself to get more comfortable like that, and he wondered if he was dreaming.
♥.
Title: A Case of You [1/1]
Author: preciousthings9
Rating: PG
Pairings: Frank/Gerard
Dedication: None
Disclaimer: I own nothing, except the plot.
Summary: Frerard. And he wondered if it meant anything to him. To Gerard, that is.
A/N: Just one big cavity-giving, gag-inducing, want-to-throw-up-in-your-mouth piece of fluff. Or, my first ever attempt at such, lol. I'm used to smut and angst. This is like Greek to me. But I hope at least one person enjoys it.
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It was like he went deaf. Everything, the entire venue, the band, everything went silent, except for his heart. His heart pounded loudly in his chest and he was terrified that he would hear, but when Gerard pulled away all the sound came back. The screaming fans, the drums, the guitars, and the voice that belonged to the only thing he had ever really wanted. But he continued playing; he couldn’t let him see, he couldn’t let him know. It wasn’t even like the kiss was long or anything, though it seemed to Frank like an eternity; the feeling of Gerard’s hands in his hair and on his face, their lips together for a long awaited five seconds, not even. Frank gave a small noise and he leaned in, his delayed arms meeting the other’s back and pulling him in and, even if it only made a millisecond’s difference, it was completely worth it.
Frank had only ever dreamed of something like that to happen, and he wished it hadn’t been on stage in front of thousands, millions of people, but the very knowledge that it had, indeed, happened was satisfying enough. And he wondered if it meant anything to him. To Gerard, that is. They had never really addressed their fooling around on stage between one another; even since it became a little more heated during their current tour, the subject was never brought up. Frank had once convinced himself that he would never have the guts to address such a thing anyway, but now he was second guessing himself. All of what had happened most recently almost gave him a little bit of hope that maybe he had a chance, and that kiss only encouraged his hope.
He drummed his fingers against each other, his feet tapping somewhere beneath him due to the thoughts he was just thinking; the ones he was broken from when he heard his name, and he looked up around him at the other guys, but decided that they hadn’t been talking to him but, rather, about him. Frank just smiled and shifted to get more comfortable on the couch, making it a point to maybe inch to his left, inch to get just a smidgeon closer, inch to breathe in the near unfamiliar scent of his still damp hair, which covered up the scent he loved so much. They were in their hotel, sitting in something of a circle, Mikey and Bob on the floor, Ray in a chair that the former two were too lazy to go pull up for themselves as well, and Frank and Gerard on the couch.
“How was that, Frankie?”
Frank raised his eyebrows at Bob, his arms now crossed and his feet still tapping under him; they always kept these rooms so cold. “Sorry, what?” Bob smirked his smirk and Mikey kind of scoffed a short laugh to himself and Frank watched them. He was afraid to know what was so amusing. “No, I wasn’t paying attention.”
Bob’s smirk curled further at the ends and Frank felt his stomach twist because he knew what was coming, he knew what was coming, he knew what was … “What were you thinkin’ about?”
Fuck. Mikey laughed shortly again and Frank felt his face flush over slightly, though he hoped he only thought it did and it didn’t actually, and he forced a nervous laugh. He looked at his knees and picked at the fabric of his pants, because he knew that they had to know by then, though he was still unwilling to admit that Gerard knew. He prayed every night that Gerard didn’t know. Frank’s heart fluttered when he felt the man next to him give him a nudge and all he could think about were fucking cupcakes and rainbows. He looked at Gerard in response to the nudge, glancing at his hair because he wanted to smell it and then he thought about how weird that probably was. “It’s okay, Frankie.” Gerard smacked him lightly on the cheek a few times and Frank couldn’t hold back a small smile, though he tried, he did. “They’re just jealous that you got to kiss me and they didn’t.”
Frank’s smile widened because he could still remember how soft Gerard’s lips had felt on his, and when he thought about it a burst of butterflies erupted in his stomach. His fingers tightened around the fabric under them, because he needed to do something with them, and he nearly melted because Gerard smiled at him and he could have sworn that man had the most beautiful smile in the world.
And he realized that he hadn’t said anything yet and it probably didn’t look good on his part, and before he could say anything, Gerard kept talking (he should have expected) and he was saved, though he had to pull his eyes away from him because it wouldn’t be good to stare either. Frank mused over how difficult this whole ‘liking someone’ thing was. There were so many rules to follow, it seemed. It’s not like he hadn’t liked someone before, but this was different somehow. Everything about Gerard was different. He felt it, in that place where you always feel it, and he knew that he was different.
And lost in his head again; Frank cleared his throat and he wasn’t sure what made him look, but Mikey’s eyes shifted away from him as soon as he saw Frank notice his examining. Mikey was always like that, examining, checking, scoping out his surroundings, just general observing. It made Frank nervous. Not two minutes after the fact, said observer stretched and stood slowly, to which Gerard questioned him. “Going to bed, Mikes?”
Mikey nodded. “I’ll see you guys tomorrow.” They all said their good nights, and Mikey sauntered off with his hands in his pockets, like he usually did, and Frank half expected him to get shot a look, but he didn’t, which made him relieved.
Gerard rubbed his hands together and sighed, “I think I might get some sleep too.” Frank’s insides sunk and he did that thing where you try to concentrate real hard to pull the person back with your mind, in your head screaming for them to stay, don’t leave me. But Gerard got up and again, a chorus of good nights. Frank watched him leave and was about to get up too because he just noticed that only he, Bob, and Ray were still in the room, and knowing those two he guessed he was going to be interrogated. He wanted to get out as soon as possible. He tried to plan his escape as quickly as he could in his head, and just when he had smiled and told them he was going to follow The Brothers Way suit, Bob stopped him.
“Just a minute, Frank.” Shit. Bob held his hand forward and Ray joined him on the floor. Frank could feel the worry on his face and he bit the inside of his bottom lip, trying not to show that he probably knew what they wanted. He hugged himself tightly, his arms still crossed, and Bob raised a speculating eyebrow at him. “I think it’s about time we …” insert mock strategic word choice, “addressed … some things.”
Frank swallowed. “Like what?” He should have seen this coming from the beginning; they were finished touring for at least a few days, now they had time to momentarily concentrate on other things, Bob and Ray had time to bother him about his not-so-secret more-than admiration for their front man, and Frank had time to sit there and be interrogated.
Ray interjected with some more comforting words, because he knew that Bob would just be a creep, and he always knew when anyone was uncomfortable and right then, Frank was much more than uncomfortable. “We just think it’s about time you actually got some stuff out in the open.” Frank twisted his mouth to the side and shrugged; an open invitation for whatever they had to offer. Ray shifted forward slightly and asked Frank quietly, because the subject in question was just in the other room. “We wanted to talk about Gerard.”
Frank’s heart jumped at the name. “What about him?”
“You know,” Ray continued, matter-of-factly, “you might think you’re keeping some big secret, but you’re really not.” He smiled and Frank glanced at his knees unsurely. There was silence before the eldest of the three lowered his voice again and leaned forward toward his fellow guitarist. “Do you like him?”
Frank knew his face got red that time. His eyes shifted and he could hear his heart pounding against his ribcage. He shrugged after a moment and when neither Bob nor Ray said anything, he looked at them and raised his eyebrows. “I … guess …?” The two of them smiled widely and Frank groaned, pulling his hoodie up over his face and dropped onto his side, curling up into something of a ball. He heard Ray kind of laugh and Bob started poking him, singing something about wanting to hug him and kiss him and love him and it sounded familiar somehow but he wasn’t in the mood for it. Frank’s face emerged from his hoodie and he swatted at Bob’s hand and pointed to where Gerard had escaped to. “Sshhh! He can hear you!”
Bob laughed and whispered loudly. “You’re blushing!”
Frank hid his face again and whimpered, turning over so his back was facing them. He heard a sort of a thump and he knew Ray had smacked Bob on the back when he said, “Stop it, leave him alone.” Oh, Ray; always the peace maker. “Frank?” Frank gave a questioning ‘hm’ in response. Ray laughed again. “Can you turn around?”
Frank slowly turned over and only lowered the front of his hoodie away from his eyes and looked at Ray. He was smiling and somehow it made Frank feel better. “It’s okay.” He said. “If you like him, I mean. That’s okay.” Frank sighed and actually felt a little better. He was happy that they were okay with it and he wanted to tell them that, but he couldn’t really seem to decide what to do now. His head was spinning, and he felt detached from his body, because his not-so-secret secret was out, even though it most likely had been for a while, and he started to panic because that was just more of a chance of Gerard knowing.
Frank’s focus had fallen to somewhere between Ray and Bob and he pulled it back to Ray, lowering the front of his hoodie slightly, though still gripping it tightly in his hands. “Does Mikey know?” They both made an ‘ohhh, yeah’ face and nodded slowly. Frank’s eyes shifted and he decided his nose was cold so he pulled the fabric up over it again. He looked at them with just his eyes. “Is he mad?”
“No,” Ray said, in a quick reassurance, like if he had hesitated at all Frank wouldn’t have believed him, “No, he’s not. I think he knew before either of us did.” He shrugged and Frank let out a breath he wasn’t aware he was holding. “He’s totally okay with it, Frank, really. Don’t worry about him.”
Frank shifted and drew his legs back closer to his chest slightly, in an attempt to keep himself warm, and sighed, wishing to himself that he had socks on. He knew what he wanted to ask them next, but he didn’t know if he wanted the answer. In fact, there were a lot of questions he wanted to ask but didn’t want answered by anyone but the encouraging voice in his head, because that voice always knew what Frank wanted to hear. His insides jolted and his face flushed over at the shuffle of feet, followed by the familiar cigarette-worn voice. “I just decided that I’m fucking starving.”
Frank looked at Bob and Ray, panicked, and they just smiled suggestively, raising their eyebrows. Frank shook his head sharply, because he knew what they were going to do; he knew that they were going to get up and leave him there on the couch and Gerard would in turn go sit next to him and it would just be the two of them on the couch and just the thought of being alone and so close to him made Frank’s stomach tighten and get warm and he felt like he wanted to throw up and, oh, God. Ray was first to get up, and Bob followed straight after he gave Frank a teasing pinch on the cheek and scrunched his nose at him. Frank smacked his hand and sat up straight, mouthing a ‘fuck you’ and stuffing his hands in the front of his hoodie, tucking his legs underneath himself again.
He listened to Ray inform Gerard of he and Bob’s turning in for some sleep and Gerard said good night and Frank’s heart was pounding in his chest, a foot tapping anxiously under him. He heard a few creaky openings and closings of cabinets, and soft unidentifiable humming. Frank looked at his legs and twisted his fingers in his pocket, only looking up when Gerard had come to plant himself on the couch with a sandwich. He smiled at Frank and situated himself. “Going to sleep?”
Frank shook his head, watching Gerard study his sandwich for a moment before choosing which of the four pieces he should eat first. He looked at his knees; Gerard would divide his sandwich into quarters. He loved those little things about him, the little things that still made him seem so juvenile. Frank hadn’t had a sandwich sliced into quarters since he was in the 6th grade, and he was sure if he had had, he would look like a fucking douche. But if Gerard did something like that, it was perfectly okay, because it was Gerard, and those habitual and slightly compulsive things were almost expected of him.
“What?”
Frank looked up at Gerard, raising his eyebrows in a questioning manner. The older of them had already been looking at him. “What?”
Gerard did a bad job of keeping his amusement to himself. “You were smiling.”
Frank wrung his fingers in his pocket and pulled his best confused face. “Was I?” Gerard nodded, taking another bite of the fraction of sandwich in his hand. Frank looked at his knees and forced a short laugh. “I didn’t even notice.”
Gerard shrugged and faced forward. “It happens.” There was a long silence and Frank’s foot was still tapping vigorously beneath him, and he wondered if Gerard could feel the movement through the couch, so he stopped it from its incessancy. Another minute went by and Frank was in desperate need of some kind of movement because he was anxious. He shifted himself so his legs were out in front of him, his feet crossed over one another until he decided that that was also uncomfortable, so he just slid himself down slightly on the couch and let his legs take their natural position over the edge. He sighed, leaning his head back against the furniture, and stared at the wall across from him.
“You tired?”
Frank turned to face Gerard and shook his head slightly. “Not really.” He watched Gerard watch him and got a little lost in that face.
Gerard took another bite and leaned his head back as well, not taking his eyes off Frank and sending a bout of butterflies fluttering through his stomach. “You seem tired.”
He didn’t mean to ever, but sometimes Frank had a tendency to watch Gerard’s lips when he spoke because he loved the crookedness of them; there was always just one side of his mouth that was slightly turned upward. He looked from one eye to the other and the only thing Frank wanted to do was kiss him again, and there was a pang of hope in his chest that sent one of those frequent what-if scenarios running across his brain, imagining how it would be if Gerard leaned forward just then and knowing he would taste like peanut butter and jelly, but he didn’t care because …
Frank’s stomach sunk a little when Gerard turned away from him because, fuck, he hadn’t responded and he should have, but he was too distracted. “I’m just thinking.” Better late than never.
Gerard asked through a mouthful of his third quarter of sandwich. “About what?”
You. Frank turned his face forward and sighed, hugging his middle more tightly and racking his brain for something to be thinking about. Thankfully, he didn’t have to do much racking because the fourth quarter was in his face suddenly, and he knew Gerard had mistaken his trying to keep himself warm with indicating he was hungry too. Frank glanced at it and smiled, holding a hand up to it and shaking his head at Gerard. “No, thanks.”
“Are you sure?” Gerard looked at him, and Frank nodded. “I don’t want it.” He said it like he was trying to persuade Frank into taking it, but he just shook his head again. Gerard shrugged. “If you say so.”
Frank watched him get up and his stomach churned because he was sure Gerard was going to tell him good night and he was going to be left alone again with his hopeless longing thoughts, mentally punching himself in the face for not saying anything, but his insides flipped when Gerard sat back down next to him. Frank didn’t want to seem too excited, but he didn’t want to chase Gerard away, so he asked the first thing that popped into his head that seemed natural and not gay at all. “I thought you were going to bed?”
Gerard crossed his arms and made himself comfortable, raising his eyebrows at Frank and sighing. “What? And leave you sitting here by yourself?” He smiled and Frank held his breath. “Of course not.” Frank smiled back nervously and then looked at his legs.
They sat there in silence, and he wanted to tell Gerard that it was okay, he didn’t have to sit there with him, but at the same time he wished that they could sit together like that for the rest of the night. Frank blinked because his eyelids started to get heavy and he didn’t want to fall asleep just yet; they hadn’t even spoken at all, and that’s what he really wanted to do, even though silence was okay too because he just liked to be near him. He nodded into a split second of semi consciousness and shifted to wake himself up a little, hoping Gerard didn’t notice.
He didn’t say anything, so Frank figured he hadn’t. But maybe Gerard had fallen asleep and that’s why he hadn’t asked if he was tired again. Frank carefully looked to his left at Gerard, who had his head back and his eyes closed and Frank stole a moment to just watch him like that. He looked so cute, Frank decided, like nothing at all mattered, and he wondered what Gerard dreamt about. He knew that Mikey probably dreamt about unicorns, marshmallows, and flowers, but he couldn’t say the same for his brother. He figured Gerard probably had some kind of epic adventure dreams, in the little worlds in his head, in the places he found were perfect, with the people he loved, or maybe not. Maybe sleeping was his time to be alone with himself and the people he created in his mind, where they understood him completely.
After a minute or two, Frank noted the steady rhythm of Gerard’s chest and he concluded that he was, indeed, sleeping, and he carefully moved to his left before hesitantly leaning himself sideways and resting his head between Gerard’s shoulder and chest, fucking praying he was asleep. Frank smiled, taking in a long breath, taking in the scent of cigarettes and old CDs; he could always count on it being on his clothing. When Gerard hadn’t responded, Frank shut his eyes and shifted his body a little closer to get comfortable, his heart beating hard and fast against his ribs, and he sighed; just a few minutes.
He didn’t think anything of it at first, it was just his back against the fabric of the couch, but then there were fingers at his shoulder and Frank’s insides jolted and he started to sit up and away from Gerard, panicking because if Gerard didn’t know before, he sure as fuck knew now. “Oh, shit, I’m sorry, I didn’t …” Frank tensed nervously when the arm that had slithered around his shoulders pulled him back to his previous position and he whimpered, his pulse racing, and there was a soft shushing noise from above him and he felt his face go red.
“Just sleep, Frankie.” His voice was almost a whisper, and it made the muscle in Frank’s chest start pounding like it had on stage and he wondered if, because it was so quiet now, Gerard could hear it. “It’s okay.” The fingers around his shoulder tightened for a second and he pulled Frank closer against his chest, and Frank tried to hide his smile even though Gerard couldn’t see it, and he shut his eyes and shifted himself to get more comfortable like that, and he wondered if he was dreaming.
♥.