once and again comes misery
well its so hard to maintain such positive attitudes on life. i try to so bad i mean i know im so suppose to be happy but i know deep inside ill keep torturing myself with such lies of happiness and love. i know people tell me such wonderful things that i probly dont see but i know i cant accept those things for i am wretched and mentally blackened by this world. ive subcome to feelings of love for so many yet i havent felt a pure connection. my love is my precious demise. being chronically depressed doesnt help me very much. i hate so much (being depressed that is). but it seems like its the only well attribute ive picked up so well from the people i felt very strongly about. i just can't understand myself anymore. i literally suffer so much just to have something in my life i can depend to rid of all these captured urges. i know i can't have anyone and if this feeling goes further i dont think ill be able to be close to anyone due to my reasons that i dont want anyone to think of me anymore....call me emo call me what you will but i know how close ive become to being literally nothing in this world....i cant sleep well anymore...my mind is stuck on just constant channel changing...my body aching from stress...i dont know literally what to do with myself anymore...im a complete mess...i know im fucking ugly...i know im fat (no no not phat)...i hate the way i look in the mirror because i usually avert my eyes...sigh* im a waste of time...so be it so i still live it this misery this utter digust.....if there any justice in the world my death should be slow and painful
good night everyone
good night everyone