sometimes
There's such a deep sadness in me, swelling like a hematoma inside my chest and even though I know clinically what it is that doesn't lessen the pressure any, and that somehow shifts the balance in the air around me until that internal pressure causes the external world to press in so hard. And that's when I get lost in the miseries of the past, that's when I start to listen to those inner demons that are never very far away. And all of the external doesn't matter; the rewarding career or beautiful house or those few good friends. It doesn't matter because I simply cannot see through this curtain of sadness.
And it makes me so very tired and I think that I am too young to have this weariness so very deep in my bones but of course thinking that changes nothing.
And the weariness makes me remember how lonely I can get because I lost this trick of human interaction so very long ago, I never did figure out how to get it back. I know cerebrally that openness and vulnerability and trust are important ingredients in that concoction but there is no part of me that can allow those things to happen so I perennially stay on the periphery, a solitary icy planet orbiting other places full of light and life and I wonder how to break that gravitational pull.
But of course, it can't be done.