oooooohhhhh boy
Does anyone actually write in these things anymore? not gunna lie, it's been a while. anyway, i pretty much just need to get some thoughts into words because i've been wicked emo for like a year, and it's killin me. emo people suck, and i dislike myself when i'm one of them. so here goes:
take a minute to reflect. is it really worth the energy? does anybody know, or understand, or even care for that matter that i've spiraled downward to a seemingly endless pit? there's only so many excuses i can muster up for myself, for him, for her, for "us." i feel like i'm expending far too much time on reasonings that don't matter anyway. so what if i do figure you out? what comes of it? the realization that i can't change it? i can't play doctor anymore, i can't put all the broken pieces back together. there were times when i was invincible, no one had a problem too big for me to fix. then it all came around to kick me in the ass. people got all these expectations of me and asked for my help with situations that were way beyond my control. it was awful, and i wanted so badly to help, but all i could do was refer them to the right people who could still make a difference. now the whole thing bothered me, but not nearly as bad as when it happened to me. there are only 2 people who could ever make my life right again...people who could give me strength, courage, respect, and dignity. people who could restore me to the way i once was, when i knew that life was full of twists and turns, and i was okay with that. i was ready to embrace the problems with open eyes and open arms. however, those 2 people are now far out of my reach. i've never felt so helpless as i do now. i'm in a completely new environment with thousands of other people who are perfectly content with themselves and their lives, and all i can do is wonder if i'll ever get back to that state...?
i had a dream the other night that i was diagnosed with a disease and given 6 months to live. i want you to know that you were the first thing that i thought of. i thought, "i need to make ammends. i need to assure myself that we did the right thing and that you will be happy and successful." then i got kind of upset that it wasn't real. i want to know what i could accomplish in 6 months. none of my life's goals are attainable in 6 months...but i'm getting really sick of wishing on stars, eyelashes, clocks, and praying to be so unsure of what will come of it. i don't think they will come true, but i can't let go of the hope. i can't let go of anything. i fall hard. i hate giving up what's mine, especially if i had to fight or work for it. i take pride in the relationships that i build up with people, and do not sacrifice them easily. i think the problem, though...is that i do. i'll let you leave, i'll watch you walk away, and that's when the fight starts. it's not between people, it's between myself. well i'm sick of it. i'm sick of the sleepless nights, the day by day longing, the anxiety, the fear, the heartbreak. losing someone you love is the absolute worst thing ever. if i love you, i would rather you shoot me in the foot then leave me behind. at least a physical wound will heel. an emotional one will not. trust me.
i'm tired of being bitter, of judging people, of distancing myself and losing faith in those around me. sure i tell a couple friends mostly everything, but it's not as satisfying as knowing that i can walk into the kitchen or pick up the phone, and have an instantaneous shoulder to cry on. i don't know why my life has turned out the way it has. maybe it's better this way? i just feel like i should know more about myself and that i should have more conrol over myself. i don't like the fact that i can't just stop myself from thinking too much or from role-playing scenarios in my head. i don't like not having control of my thoughts. sure i can just stop thinking and change the subject to something else...but it never really goes away, and waking up every morning with an even deeper sense of remorse is getting me nowhere. i need to man-up and accept reality. problem being, i don't know what that reality is...it's a mystery that i'm wearing myself thin trying to solve.
take a minute to reflect. is it really worth the energy? does anybody know, or understand, or even care for that matter that i've spiraled downward to a seemingly endless pit? there's only so many excuses i can muster up for myself, for him, for her, for "us." i feel like i'm expending far too much time on reasonings that don't matter anyway. so what if i do figure you out? what comes of it? the realization that i can't change it? i can't play doctor anymore, i can't put all the broken pieces back together. there were times when i was invincible, no one had a problem too big for me to fix. then it all came around to kick me in the ass. people got all these expectations of me and asked for my help with situations that were way beyond my control. it was awful, and i wanted so badly to help, but all i could do was refer them to the right people who could still make a difference. now the whole thing bothered me, but not nearly as bad as when it happened to me. there are only 2 people who could ever make my life right again...people who could give me strength, courage, respect, and dignity. people who could restore me to the way i once was, when i knew that life was full of twists and turns, and i was okay with that. i was ready to embrace the problems with open eyes and open arms. however, those 2 people are now far out of my reach. i've never felt so helpless as i do now. i'm in a completely new environment with thousands of other people who are perfectly content with themselves and their lives, and all i can do is wonder if i'll ever get back to that state...?
i had a dream the other night that i was diagnosed with a disease and given 6 months to live. i want you to know that you were the first thing that i thought of. i thought, "i need to make ammends. i need to assure myself that we did the right thing and that you will be happy and successful." then i got kind of upset that it wasn't real. i want to know what i could accomplish in 6 months. none of my life's goals are attainable in 6 months...but i'm getting really sick of wishing on stars, eyelashes, clocks, and praying to be so unsure of what will come of it. i don't think they will come true, but i can't let go of the hope. i can't let go of anything. i fall hard. i hate giving up what's mine, especially if i had to fight or work for it. i take pride in the relationships that i build up with people, and do not sacrifice them easily. i think the problem, though...is that i do. i'll let you leave, i'll watch you walk away, and that's when the fight starts. it's not between people, it's between myself. well i'm sick of it. i'm sick of the sleepless nights, the day by day longing, the anxiety, the fear, the heartbreak. losing someone you love is the absolute worst thing ever. if i love you, i would rather you shoot me in the foot then leave me behind. at least a physical wound will heel. an emotional one will not. trust me.
i'm tired of being bitter, of judging people, of distancing myself and losing faith in those around me. sure i tell a couple friends mostly everything, but it's not as satisfying as knowing that i can walk into the kitchen or pick up the phone, and have an instantaneous shoulder to cry on. i don't know why my life has turned out the way it has. maybe it's better this way? i just feel like i should know more about myself and that i should have more conrol over myself. i don't like the fact that i can't just stop myself from thinking too much or from role-playing scenarios in my head. i don't like not having control of my thoughts. sure i can just stop thinking and change the subject to something else...but it never really goes away, and waking up every morning with an even deeper sense of remorse is getting me nowhere. i need to man-up and accept reality. problem being, i don't know what that reality is...it's a mystery that i'm wearing myself thin trying to solve.