(no subject)
Have you ever been so freaking bored with your life that you wish something would change...I mean, ANYTHING? So I decided I want to find a job next summer and go away for the whole time--working with a camp that has disabled and special needs children. Something challenging, heart-wrenching, rewarding, and a complete pain in the ass. I need that. And so...
Jesus, my boyfriend is a frickin psycho. You know why? Because I told him I wanted to go away for next summer--the whole summer--and kept ranting on about how I needed change and experience and new prospects. And his reaction...total and complete calm of course. "Where are you going to go, hun?" and "sounds like it would be good for you." Oh no, there was no panic- nor any snap to reality and begging me to stay in Rochester. Of course not. I guess I just want him to grab me close and say he'll miss me or beg me to stay. Even if I go far away and have one day off a week he promised to come spend that day with me-even if it's a long drive. Shithead. Idiot. Jerk. Asshole.
Jesus Christ and all that is holy, I love my boyfriend.
Funny how that is. Four years absolutely, totally, completely in love with one man. One who, in fact, drives me absolutely up the wall with his daredevil tendencies and taste for trouble...and then can go completely in reverse and can be so sweet and genuine is completely beyond me. He makes me feel alive. It may seem that I am too young to take myself seriously, but he's a great guy he makes everything in my life matter more to me.
My friend and my co-worker Christopher asked me what was wrong when I was feeling a little blue at work yesterday. So I said I wanted things to change. He said it sounded like I already knew what exactly needed changing, no matter how hesitant I was being. The absolute total answer I gave was that I wanted my family to appreciate me for who I am and let me take charge of my own life and my own career--because they certainly know very little about it. And I wanted them to not muddle in my business concerning ,u weight and my love. I want change with my self-confidence and my inabilities to see that I'm perfect the way that I am--no matter how much of a fuck-up I feel like sometimes. i want to change my relationships with other people--to not let my foul moods swing how I feel towards others and their lives. Most of all, I want to make myself happy and try harder to make the people around me feel the same. As corny as it sounds--spread the love.
And keep telling myself next semester is a whole new start even if it starts with awkward baby steps towards my goals. I can get good grades, I can clean my room, I can attend all my classes, I can build relationships, I can manage my time, I can love, I can feel, I can be kind. I can, I can, I can.
And I will.
Jesus, my boyfriend is a frickin psycho. You know why? Because I told him I wanted to go away for next summer--the whole summer--and kept ranting on about how I needed change and experience and new prospects. And his reaction...total and complete calm of course. "Where are you going to go, hun?" and "sounds like it would be good for you." Oh no, there was no panic- nor any snap to reality and begging me to stay in Rochester. Of course not. I guess I just want him to grab me close and say he'll miss me or beg me to stay. Even if I go far away and have one day off a week he promised to come spend that day with me-even if it's a long drive. Shithead. Idiot. Jerk. Asshole.
Jesus Christ and all that is holy, I love my boyfriend.
Funny how that is. Four years absolutely, totally, completely in love with one man. One who, in fact, drives me absolutely up the wall with his daredevil tendencies and taste for trouble...and then can go completely in reverse and can be so sweet and genuine is completely beyond me. He makes me feel alive. It may seem that I am too young to take myself seriously, but he's a great guy he makes everything in my life matter more to me.
My friend and my co-worker Christopher asked me what was wrong when I was feeling a little blue at work yesterday. So I said I wanted things to change. He said it sounded like I already knew what exactly needed changing, no matter how hesitant I was being. The absolute total answer I gave was that I wanted my family to appreciate me for who I am and let me take charge of my own life and my own career--because they certainly know very little about it. And I wanted them to not muddle in my business concerning ,u weight and my love. I want change with my self-confidence and my inabilities to see that I'm perfect the way that I am--no matter how much of a fuck-up I feel like sometimes. i want to change my relationships with other people--to not let my foul moods swing how I feel towards others and their lives. Most of all, I want to make myself happy and try harder to make the people around me feel the same. As corny as it sounds--spread the love.
And keep telling myself next semester is a whole new start even if it starts with awkward baby steps towards my goals. I can get good grades, I can clean my room, I can attend all my classes, I can build relationships, I can manage my time, I can love, I can feel, I can be kind. I can, I can, I can.
And I will.