Uncensored, unhidden, undisguised
It's three in the morning and it's day 3 of rain. My lovely city is going to be covered in grey for the whole week.
I used to like rain. I used to like it because I used to love going out with a nice umbrella. I love umbrellas; they compliment dresses pretty well.
Those days of rain make me think a lot, more than before. I used to be so positive... and it is still the message I want to pass through my LiveJournal. I guess it was just time for me to realise that my life wasn't perfect and that it didn't suit me.
Some of you might know: I'm going through therapy. Why? Well it had started with the fact that I didn't love school as much anymore - me who used to LOVE learning, who wanted to stay in school forever, who used to be the top of my grade. It comes with the Asian background, some would say.
I have a lot of pride, I hate to lose... I'm just. human, I guess? I used to think I wasn't. Who the hell would be called a human when they managed to stay on top of their grades, take care of the house, of their mother and grandmother, mother their own little brother (even if he doesn't listen that much), have an outgoing personality, be sociable, train at least three times a week, be part of at least two curricural activities?
I used to manage all of this because school was easy, had always been easy for me. It didn't take me much effort.
Until I entered university.
Then, I discovered that I couldn't separate myself that easily anymore... that I couldn't do as much, that school would take the better part of my life.
Unfortunately... my family who has raised me to be a perfect graceful silent stay-at-home girl didn't like it as much.
Of course, and I am the first one to point it out, I am perfectly selfish for putting my friends before my family.
The thing is... I work for my family... and I work at school.
So... when can I rest from all of that? School takes half of my time; family, the other half. If I don't get a break, my frail body is not going to take it.
Well, that's what happened.
And I don't know why I'm telling this right now. I don't even know if people will bother to read this, to try and understand.
I just want to say that... for 21 years, I have never been able to be myself completely. I would like to explain it more, but it's so hard to write and it's so hard to explain it without crying.
I am myself on LiveJournal, with my friends.... but... not completely? See... I consider myself a "complete" person. What does that mean? That means I can play many roles.
I can be selfish and generous, mature and immature, outgoing or tranquil; I just ajust the level of every quality and flaw to make a personality that will fit the other.
For 21 years, I've lived for other people.
It's hurts to realise when you're in therapy that you cannot think by yourself... that the first thing that comes to your mind is: my mom thinks that...
My mom thinks that friends are not useful... They're just there to use me.
My mom thinks that men are not useful... unless you're stupid; then you depend on them to make you live. I have the power to be independant so I should not need men; therefore, my mom thinks I shouldn't get married.
My mom thinks I shouldn't be sad because I have a roof and some food.
My mom thinks I should take the leadership of the house once I graduate. She cannot wait for that moment because she wants her freedom. She thinks her life is over when she's only in her early fourties. She thinks I have the energy to take up everything.
My mom thinks I shouldn't have children. Children bring only pain.
That last statement... is the one that always makes me cry. I want children so much... the idea of people NOT approving... it's so painful. People might find me crazy, but the only thing I've always wanted since I was a little girl was to get married and have children... and my household doesn't approve. WHY DID THEY HAVE ME?! WHY?! If I'm such a burden...
People might find me crazy for wanting children at such a young age, but it's my dream! It's no wonder I love Jin so much, see...
I remember my childhood friend's mother telling me that I was so obedient when I was young... it was scary. I was controlled so easily.
And now my own grandmother scolds me for not being like I was before. "You were such a good little girl; you knew what was right and wrong."
I can never be in a bad mood. That's not what a girl is and it is impolite and oh my god, what would the others say?
Sodary, clean the house up... what would our guests say?!
YOUR GUESTS HAVE FUCKIN' CHILDREN SO THEIR HOUSE IS TWICE AS MESSY AS OURS!
Mom works so she is too tired to do housework. Grandmother is too old (not true... she's 71 and she's perfectly in shape... she just acts prissy) and cannot do ANYTHING.
So let Sodary do everything: she's young, she can take it.
Well, guess what? I CAN'T.
And now, I'm stuck... I don't know how I will find solutions to this because I AM STILL A FUCKIN' ROBOT AND I DON'T WANT TO HURT MY FAMILY BECAUSE OF MY SELFISHNESS. So... I want to get out... but I don't want to at the same time.
I just wished they would understand me!
I never had the occasion to be immature, to be a teenager, to go out at night, to ask why, to reply to my parents, to state my own opinions...
They want me to be a good Asian girl in THIS world.
Well I can't. Sorry.
They tried to change my personality... they always found me feisty.
Did that work? Psychologists will tell you that you can't change someone's personality. After 21 years... I still am a "difficult child" for my mother. And tell you what, I am very far from being a "difficult child". If you knew how many parents would want ME as their child?!
My household expects perfection from me. What does it lead to? Well, perfection doesn't exist, so I just extenuate myself for nothing because there will ALWAYS be something to criticise! And even if I turned out to be the perfect girl tomorrow, they would still blame me because I was not perfect in the past!
I'm tired.
I'm tired of being criticised. My studies, my work, the fact that I'm not working right now, my figure...
People with eating disorders are usually ones who want to control something in their life. I can't even rely on that because people control me. They always comment on my figure... I am never perfect and I have no control over it. I get no satisfaction from starving myself because the result is what people want!
And believe me... I've tried. Counting calories everyday, training everyday, drinking tons of water and tea...
I will still be a bit meaty, or my shoulders will stay manly and blablabla...
The only thing I would control... is death.
But then again, I do love life too much and that's something that's kind of irreversible.
There are sometimes when the will to control something takes up the will to enjoy life.
Those are bad... and they especailly happen on rainy days.
So... I thought I should let it out... I should... tell the whole world that yes, I have a problem and that I need support because it really is hard going through this when nobody totally understands. I doubt anybody would totally understand from this snippet of my life that I've posted in an entry because this is just the tip of the iceberg.
I must be crazy for telling the truth... usually, I would be so scared that people would stop loving me for having a problem.
Actually, in a few hours, I will probably be totally scared that people will reject me for being like this.
When you've lived your whole life pleasing others, you have this phobia of them going away.
I'm still the same Sodary... I'm just... not perfect. I have my flaws. I just hope you'll accept them.
I used to like rain. I used to like it because I used to love going out with a nice umbrella. I love umbrellas; they compliment dresses pretty well.
Those days of rain make me think a lot, more than before. I used to be so positive... and it is still the message I want to pass through my LiveJournal. I guess it was just time for me to realise that my life wasn't perfect and that it didn't suit me.
Some of you might know: I'm going through therapy. Why? Well it had started with the fact that I didn't love school as much anymore - me who used to LOVE learning, who wanted to stay in school forever, who used to be the top of my grade. It comes with the Asian background, some would say.
I have a lot of pride, I hate to lose... I'm just. human, I guess? I used to think I wasn't. Who the hell would be called a human when they managed to stay on top of their grades, take care of the house, of their mother and grandmother, mother their own little brother (even if he doesn't listen that much), have an outgoing personality, be sociable, train at least three times a week, be part of at least two curricural activities?
I used to manage all of this because school was easy, had always been easy for me. It didn't take me much effort.
Until I entered university.
Then, I discovered that I couldn't separate myself that easily anymore... that I couldn't do as much, that school would take the better part of my life.
Unfortunately... my family who has raised me to be a perfect graceful silent stay-at-home girl didn't like it as much.
Of course, and I am the first one to point it out, I am perfectly selfish for putting my friends before my family.
The thing is... I work for my family... and I work at school.
So... when can I rest from all of that? School takes half of my time; family, the other half. If I don't get a break, my frail body is not going to take it.
Well, that's what happened.
And I don't know why I'm telling this right now. I don't even know if people will bother to read this, to try and understand.
I just want to say that... for 21 years, I have never been able to be myself completely. I would like to explain it more, but it's so hard to write and it's so hard to explain it without crying.
I am myself on LiveJournal, with my friends.... but... not completely? See... I consider myself a "complete" person. What does that mean? That means I can play many roles.
I can be selfish and generous, mature and immature, outgoing or tranquil; I just ajust the level of every quality and flaw to make a personality that will fit the other.
For 21 years, I've lived for other people.
It's hurts to realise when you're in therapy that you cannot think by yourself... that the first thing that comes to your mind is: my mom thinks that...
My mom thinks that friends are not useful... They're just there to use me.
My mom thinks that men are not useful... unless you're stupid; then you depend on them to make you live. I have the power to be independant so I should not need men; therefore, my mom thinks I shouldn't get married.
My mom thinks I shouldn't be sad because I have a roof and some food.
My mom thinks I should take the leadership of the house once I graduate. She cannot wait for that moment because she wants her freedom. She thinks her life is over when she's only in her early fourties. She thinks I have the energy to take up everything.
My mom thinks I shouldn't have children. Children bring only pain.
That last statement... is the one that always makes me cry. I want children so much... the idea of people NOT approving... it's so painful. People might find me crazy, but the only thing I've always wanted since I was a little girl was to get married and have children... and my household doesn't approve. WHY DID THEY HAVE ME?! WHY?! If I'm such a burden...
People might find me crazy for wanting children at such a young age, but it's my dream! It's no wonder I love Jin so much, see...
I remember my childhood friend's mother telling me that I was so obedient when I was young... it was scary. I was controlled so easily.
And now my own grandmother scolds me for not being like I was before. "You were such a good little girl; you knew what was right and wrong."
I can never be in a bad mood. That's not what a girl is and it is impolite and oh my god, what would the others say?
Sodary, clean the house up... what would our guests say?!
YOUR GUESTS HAVE FUCKIN' CHILDREN SO THEIR HOUSE IS TWICE AS MESSY AS OURS!
Mom works so she is too tired to do housework. Grandmother is too old (not true... she's 71 and she's perfectly in shape... she just acts prissy) and cannot do ANYTHING.
So let Sodary do everything: she's young, she can take it.
Well, guess what? I CAN'T.
And now, I'm stuck... I don't know how I will find solutions to this because I AM STILL A FUCKIN' ROBOT AND I DON'T WANT TO HURT MY FAMILY BECAUSE OF MY SELFISHNESS. So... I want to get out... but I don't want to at the same time.
I just wished they would understand me!
I never had the occasion to be immature, to be a teenager, to go out at night, to ask why, to reply to my parents, to state my own opinions...
They want me to be a good Asian girl in THIS world.
Well I can't. Sorry.
They tried to change my personality... they always found me feisty.
Did that work? Psychologists will tell you that you can't change someone's personality. After 21 years... I still am a "difficult child" for my mother. And tell you what, I am very far from being a "difficult child". If you knew how many parents would want ME as their child?!
My household expects perfection from me. What does it lead to? Well, perfection doesn't exist, so I just extenuate myself for nothing because there will ALWAYS be something to criticise! And even if I turned out to be the perfect girl tomorrow, they would still blame me because I was not perfect in the past!
I'm tired.
I'm tired of being criticised. My studies, my work, the fact that I'm not working right now, my figure...
People with eating disorders are usually ones who want to control something in their life. I can't even rely on that because people control me. They always comment on my figure... I am never perfect and I have no control over it. I get no satisfaction from starving myself because the result is what people want!
And believe me... I've tried. Counting calories everyday, training everyday, drinking tons of water and tea...
I will still be a bit meaty, or my shoulders will stay manly and blablabla...
The only thing I would control... is death.
But then again, I do love life too much and that's something that's kind of irreversible.
There are sometimes when the will to control something takes up the will to enjoy life.
Those are bad... and they especailly happen on rainy days.
So... I thought I should let it out... I should... tell the whole world that yes, I have a problem and that I need support because it really is hard going through this when nobody totally understands. I doubt anybody would totally understand from this snippet of my life that I've posted in an entry because this is just the tip of the iceberg.
I must be crazy for telling the truth... usually, I would be so scared that people would stop loving me for having a problem.
Actually, in a few hours, I will probably be totally scared that people will reject me for being like this.
When you've lived your whole life pleasing others, you have this phobia of them going away.
I'm still the same Sodary... I'm just... not perfect. I have my flaws. I just hope you'll accept them.