last and final episode
This is going to probably be my last and final entry, it might explain some of the things i have been feeling....
First off, life has been really hard since the only person that knows me has moved, you think it is hard when you just stop being friends with someone but also know they are there well its 100 times worse when you are still friends with someone and you cant fucking see them, cant go over there when your having a bad day, and know the only way you can be is to get up and move out there, know one understands what i have gone through and if you think you do, try having your bestest friend living about 2,000 miles away! Its very hard...
Watching as days go by, only wishing that people will realize one thing and one thing only, that sometimes i cant be the one to make the first move, after getting shot down one too many times step up and take responsibilty because im really sick of all the excuses, show me that you are mature.
Im also tired very tired of all this high school drama shit, im graduating in less than a year from college! im not in high school nor do i have the mentality of a highschooler, i thought that once i was out of high school all the bullshit would end and maturity levels of everyone would rise which guys keep proving me wrong....
Yes i did a very bad thing repeatedly, but if anyone knows me they know this is not something i normally do, and i feel truly sorry from the bottom of my heart...i get involved with guys i know i have no chance of having a relationship with because i have commitment problems its become very apparent to me since i got back from cali the first time...I am scared to death of commitment more than most guys, since the only relationships i have been around are bulit on lies, decepetion, and pain. As much as i want someone to sweep me off my feet, i dont want to feel the pain if something goes wrong so i put myself in dead-end hook up's, and then i run from the guys that truly do like me....
I am trying to fix this but its just so hard when i have never seen a successful relationship and through all the ones i have been around i have been put in the middle and i dont like the things that have gone on in them...I am sorry to the ones i have hurt, but i have had my fair share of being hurt too...
I have been under alot of stress with everything i just dont have anyone to talk to or well i do its just i need someone to bitch too and i dont want to put anyone through it bcuz i get like this when i have way too many things on my head, i just want to yell...also i dont know who i can really trust, some of the things i want to say are personal and some of the things i have said awhile ago and wanted to keep personal since it was personal and now people are telling me about it and they say well so and so told me and its just like i dont talk about your personal stuff when im drunk so why is it ok to talk about mine...so i basically am just writing some things here to get them out of my system and then maybe i can be happier and sleep at night...since its hard when i have so much on my mind i just cant sleep...im happiest when im in california, living by myself, and proving to everyone that im on my own...
NOTE TO EVERYONE
I pay for my own car, i have earned everything i have gotten, i buy my own things, i work i have a job, for those of you who thought someone else bought my car or is paying for it wrong guess again that is my pride and joy that i love going out to everyday and seeing what god has given me
God has shown me my potential in life, and that everything happens for a reason. My life has changed dramatically since this time last year and mostly for the better. I dont want anything to hold me back in life since you never know when you are going to be taken from this earth, the only person that knows that it is your time to go is god. Though hopefully mine will not be anytime soon, it could be since i was at very high risk for over 5 years to just drop dead with no warning i am very lucky and grateful to be alive. But as i learned i wasnt living the life i was supposed to, i was living one that god didnt want me to be in and he showed me a way to change and also gave me the means to go and fix my heart problem. No i do not want sympathy my life is the way it is because of me, yes people impact my life but they only did because i let them, i could have changed the way things went on if i wanted to, it took some time for me to take control. just like anyone can take control of their own life, but only if you want to, thats the only way it will happen. Some times it is easy to let someone else take control, but in the end you feel best when you have control over the destiny of you're life compared to later on what if's which im glad i only have a couple of years of what if's compared to a life time...
So to all of you who think you know me, you dont only a select few know the real me, because they took the time to be there, I dont hate anyone, I never have, i have, i dislike the things people do but hey live your life im finally living mine and the most amazing feeling ever. I wish everyone a safe life, and i pray that when my dad goes to Africa that he will return, he is...my dad...and i want him to be there and i hope just hope nothing bad happens to him
I love everyone! I feel alot better now, relieved, even though i know stress is going to come right back when i go to work tomorrow, but hey i live for it lol
I cant wait for this upcoming season im hoping i will be at the top of my performance and show everyone who spikerbabe really is...haha i know that was gay but still no one really saw the real me play last year so its my time to show them what i can do...
First off, life has been really hard since the only person that knows me has moved, you think it is hard when you just stop being friends with someone but also know they are there well its 100 times worse when you are still friends with someone and you cant fucking see them, cant go over there when your having a bad day, and know the only way you can be is to get up and move out there, know one understands what i have gone through and if you think you do, try having your bestest friend living about 2,000 miles away! Its very hard...
Watching as days go by, only wishing that people will realize one thing and one thing only, that sometimes i cant be the one to make the first move, after getting shot down one too many times step up and take responsibilty because im really sick of all the excuses, show me that you are mature.
Im also tired very tired of all this high school drama shit, im graduating in less than a year from college! im not in high school nor do i have the mentality of a highschooler, i thought that once i was out of high school all the bullshit would end and maturity levels of everyone would rise which guys keep proving me wrong....
Yes i did a very bad thing repeatedly, but if anyone knows me they know this is not something i normally do, and i feel truly sorry from the bottom of my heart...i get involved with guys i know i have no chance of having a relationship with because i have commitment problems its become very apparent to me since i got back from cali the first time...I am scared to death of commitment more than most guys, since the only relationships i have been around are bulit on lies, decepetion, and pain. As much as i want someone to sweep me off my feet, i dont want to feel the pain if something goes wrong so i put myself in dead-end hook up's, and then i run from the guys that truly do like me....
I am trying to fix this but its just so hard when i have never seen a successful relationship and through all the ones i have been around i have been put in the middle and i dont like the things that have gone on in them...I am sorry to the ones i have hurt, but i have had my fair share of being hurt too...
I have been under alot of stress with everything i just dont have anyone to talk to or well i do its just i need someone to bitch too and i dont want to put anyone through it bcuz i get like this when i have way too many things on my head, i just want to yell...also i dont know who i can really trust, some of the things i want to say are personal and some of the things i have said awhile ago and wanted to keep personal since it was personal and now people are telling me about it and they say well so and so told me and its just like i dont talk about your personal stuff when im drunk so why is it ok to talk about mine...so i basically am just writing some things here to get them out of my system and then maybe i can be happier and sleep at night...since its hard when i have so much on my mind i just cant sleep...im happiest when im in california, living by myself, and proving to everyone that im on my own...
NOTE TO EVERYONE
I pay for my own car, i have earned everything i have gotten, i buy my own things, i work i have a job, for those of you who thought someone else bought my car or is paying for it wrong guess again that is my pride and joy that i love going out to everyday and seeing what god has given me
God has shown me my potential in life, and that everything happens for a reason. My life has changed dramatically since this time last year and mostly for the better. I dont want anything to hold me back in life since you never know when you are going to be taken from this earth, the only person that knows that it is your time to go is god. Though hopefully mine will not be anytime soon, it could be since i was at very high risk for over 5 years to just drop dead with no warning i am very lucky and grateful to be alive. But as i learned i wasnt living the life i was supposed to, i was living one that god didnt want me to be in and he showed me a way to change and also gave me the means to go and fix my heart problem. No i do not want sympathy my life is the way it is because of me, yes people impact my life but they only did because i let them, i could have changed the way things went on if i wanted to, it took some time for me to take control. just like anyone can take control of their own life, but only if you want to, thats the only way it will happen. Some times it is easy to let someone else take control, but in the end you feel best when you have control over the destiny of you're life compared to later on what if's which im glad i only have a couple of years of what if's compared to a life time...
So to all of you who think you know me, you dont only a select few know the real me, because they took the time to be there, I dont hate anyone, I never have, i have, i dislike the things people do but hey live your life im finally living mine and the most amazing feeling ever. I wish everyone a safe life, and i pray that when my dad goes to Africa that he will return, he is...my dad...and i want him to be there and i hope just hope nothing bad happens to him
I love everyone! I feel alot better now, relieved, even though i know stress is going to come right back when i go to work tomorrow, but hey i live for it lol
I cant wait for this upcoming season im hoping i will be at the top of my performance and show everyone who spikerbabe really is...haha i know that was gay but still no one really saw the real me play last year so its my time to show them what i can do...