Dreams are hard work
Ive been told by people that I dream too much, that I put too much stock into aspirations and day dreams. And too a certain extent, I agree wholeheartedly. I do dream a lot, I get lost in my thoughts more often than I care to remember.
But more and more, I get the feeling that certain dreams aren't achievable no matter how hard you try. A person will be captured by obligations, and responsibilities, and dragged to the ground, kicking and screaming, as he watches his one purpose in life fly away without him.
This image has been stinking up my mind with fear and self doubt.
I have a dream of wandering, traveling, getting lost, and disappearing. In that order.
So I wonder, can I dodge, avoid and otherwise escape these obligations?
With careful and meticulous planning, maybe.
I need to avoid falling in love, I cant buy a house, I can't rack up too much debt, I can't get injured or sick, I can't let anyone become dependent on me, and vice versa, and I need to save up a metric fuck ton of cash.
Easy as kittens.
But how does one avoid falling in love? If it isn't obvious already, I am an extremely hopeless romantic, so this point provides a particularly difficult challenge for me.
I could avoid all relationships for the next 5 years, but that would just make me a very sad man. I could compartmentalize my emotions...fat chance. Or I could just fuck around, avoid emotional commitment where possible.
Fuck it all.
Its hard for me to think these days, to link threads of perception to those of revelation and realization, where once it was so easy for me, to just take a deep breath in an empty field and know that I would have answers by the time I finished exhaling.
Is this the death of my mind?
Or is the complexity of my problems slowly growing?
The latter.
This internship has made a whole new world of issues, doubts and regrets burst out of me like an arterial bleed. Realizing that I am barely a microscopic speck in the big picture was something I needed, something I had been waiting for. Just a brief glimpse into the wide world, to know how big you really are. This new perspective has been a blessing, and it has been a hard one to accept.
Ive been rambling, I apologize.
back to the matter at hand. Can I avoid all obligations and responsibilities that could tie me down to this place?
Maybe.
is it going to be hard?
Fuck yeah.
Is it going to be worth it?
God willing.
And with that, this entry is ended.
But more and more, I get the feeling that certain dreams aren't achievable no matter how hard you try. A person will be captured by obligations, and responsibilities, and dragged to the ground, kicking and screaming, as he watches his one purpose in life fly away without him.
This image has been stinking up my mind with fear and self doubt.
I have a dream of wandering, traveling, getting lost, and disappearing. In that order.
So I wonder, can I dodge, avoid and otherwise escape these obligations?
With careful and meticulous planning, maybe.
I need to avoid falling in love, I cant buy a house, I can't rack up too much debt, I can't get injured or sick, I can't let anyone become dependent on me, and vice versa, and I need to save up a metric fuck ton of cash.
Easy as kittens.
But how does one avoid falling in love? If it isn't obvious already, I am an extremely hopeless romantic, so this point provides a particularly difficult challenge for me.
I could avoid all relationships for the next 5 years, but that would just make me a very sad man. I could compartmentalize my emotions...fat chance. Or I could just fuck around, avoid emotional commitment where possible.
Fuck it all.
Its hard for me to think these days, to link threads of perception to those of revelation and realization, where once it was so easy for me, to just take a deep breath in an empty field and know that I would have answers by the time I finished exhaling.
Is this the death of my mind?
Or is the complexity of my problems slowly growing?
The latter.
This internship has made a whole new world of issues, doubts and regrets burst out of me like an arterial bleed. Realizing that I am barely a microscopic speck in the big picture was something I needed, something I had been waiting for. Just a brief glimpse into the wide world, to know how big you really are. This new perspective has been a blessing, and it has been a hard one to accept.
Ive been rambling, I apologize.
back to the matter at hand. Can I avoid all obligations and responsibilities that could tie me down to this place?
Maybe.
is it going to be hard?
Fuck yeah.
Is it going to be worth it?
God willing.
And with that, this entry is ended.