Very Unspirit-like
hmm well ok alot to say, seems like weeks to say it, as im still not on the net yet, 4 months on from when it was meant to be done... yeesh! WAY too long retard companies, should be soon though, like a week if its third application lucky. biggest/shittiest news, im not just alone for now, im alone alone, in the worst kind of way, she left me... over the phone.... with me crying.... with the knowledge he was there for her..... the words " thanks for everything, but i dont love you anymore, im with him, just try and get over it ok, goodbye nick " , i cant describe tone, it probably sounded worse in my head as she was saying it, cutely with genuine care i assume, but a line like that is nothing but cold and emotionless to my ears. It was on the 21st of october i think, coz the " anniversary " was approaching, 18 months it would have been, to me anyhow, apparently she met him a whiles back, almost the day i left, and they probably had some gaming type thing in common, she would have passed the time with him talking about her fav games and odd stuff, and before she knows it she realises he likes her, im still ok at this point, coz of how much she loved me, but weeks then turned into months and i couldnt afford to call more than once or twice. The thing i dont get is it seems that until i called she didnt consider herself to love him, then all of a sudden on that one day, it was like over for good, id called her for about 3 weeks almost everyday , each day trying to get her back, seems she was responding a little, then, over ......i feel sick.
I dont consider myself to be un-intelligent on the ways of relationships, but i dont know what to feel, im confused, about her, about me, the one thing keeping me from heading straight backward is my music. I wasnt at all prepared for a relationship when she came into my life, i fell in love fast, and learned fast what being with a person meant to me, it was all very fast, i wouldnt say too fast, i have no regrets on the origins of our love, it was perfect, the few weeks after our meeting on retrospect werent, i lied a bit, to seem cool or something, and almost everything that could go wrong did, all throughout. But to both of us every amazing moment far out-weighed the unforntunate, im feeling very open right now, vulnerably perhaps, but ill keep talking to entertain my sadness.
Her name isnt Mya, not coz she lied, or coz i lied, rather that like i said, alot happened in the time i was with her, some ppl wouldnt believe a few details of it, but anywho, when i met her to her knowledge she was Mya Anastasia Love, born 16 march 1985, but at around january of this year through a psychic occurence that i was highly involved in, it was found that her past was cloudy, and her perceptions were all distorted from the truth, she investigated my discovery that her inner self devulged, it told me that she was adopted as a todler, Mya had in the beggining expressed her feelings on her " family " many times saying stuff like " i feel like i was adopted and no one told me " , as a kind of joke at the time i thought, but there was some truth to her suspicion, she searched the house that night and found the papers, then she asked her " father " to take her to the adoption home the next morning, where it was found out not only she had been there at age 8 after her mother died, but that the home had made an error of her age, due to poor communication and lack of info on her runnaway mother's self birth, medium story short, shes really born in 1988, and its beleived to be some day in march, the home put 1985 instead and they assumed she just looked young, which she no doubt would have...
Anyhow so this day started the new us, and the most threatening phase of our time together, she was obviously very confused and questioning herself, etc, i myself didnt have a problem with it, and it rather made some sense i thought. However she started to wonder if i should be with her, our age diff stretched from 3 to 6 in a day, so i didnt overly blame her, but reassured over the days to follow, now i realise there was for her never getting over the fact she felt like a different person and hence her love for me faded with her old identity, thats my take on it, as bad as it sucks.
I fell in love with her all over again after that day, coz in a way i got to see the real her, something had always felt weird as good as it was, so i felt comfort almost, she felt like i was too old, as much as she didnt want to hurt me , everyday she felt that more and more i beleive, really i dont understand her basis for saying im an adult, im not a normal guy either way, so there is no comparing to other males i dont think, im very kid-like to me, and youthful, i dont do anything a person who's grown up does, not to say i am immature, im just.... me, she however felt i had to have some magical legal age that was closer to hers, i partially understand, but thought our love was higher than convenience, how wrong was I.
There are a million positives to my time with her, if i shall never fall in love again, she was enough for this life time easily, we never met in the physical world so im still by all accounts a virgin, but that doesnt bother me at all. I saved her, which i am proud of myself, before me she was lost, and very troubled, i showed her love and compassion and spent more time with her than anyone in her life has , and unlocked her past, and corrected things that had been put in her head by others, weird, its kinda like in " Titanic " , i saved her in every way a person can be saved, and that puts me at the bottom of the atlantic...lol, which yes i do feel like im drowning, so... but shes a sweetheart and the only miracle ive seen , it was worth anything im going through now just to know she wont ever be cutting herself again, assuming the new guy isnt really an asshole in waiting.. i strongly hope not. I like her name, Ashleigh Anastasia Szpular, shes part jewish, i used to find it sexy when she would speak to me in hebrew, and french, she is so much smarter than her or anyone ever gave credit for, i let her know that many a time.
I still feel ill, but i like remembering the good times, so its not that bad right now,but if im to do as she pleased and move on, how and who, im just really lost and only my ambitions are keeping me afloat, alls i know is no girl here has ever taken an interest in me, nor am i ever doing anything now in my life to give that a chance, which leaves online, which is never the easiest, not alot of ppl take it serious, which i understand, strangely ive just never been attracted to or thought a girl of my nationality could be with me, or is a chance at being my true love. There was this one girl before Ashleigh, her name was sarah, i was physically attracted to her and we talked always, first girl i ever flirted with, and she was the only girl who ive talked to that much in real life, at the time she was in transition from a long relationship, i waited too long and was too scared and this other guy got to her, i hated him alot even before he got with her, ugh.
But see being with her would have been very regular, and as good of chemistry as we had on a non physical basis,if i play out both relationship possibilities it just doesnt compare to Ashleigh, and i dont even have a picture of her , except one when she was about 5. I think i know why it doesnt compare too, but it rather narrows down chances for love, i dont beleive its easy for me to deal with girls that i gather have had a million boyfriends, which sarah had only had the one, but he was a 3 year guy, i guess i can analyze and theorize all i want, might be that a girl whose had 20 boyfriends will be perfect for me, but i think about that now, and say damn that would have to be every possible thing perfect to outweigh her past, i think ppl are fake sometimes when they say the past is the past and it doesnt bother them, on some level it must, if this mystery girl said that she was just having fun with the past guys or that she loved them all at one point, i wouldnt feel all that good, i certainly wouldnt just sleep with 20 girls and fall in love randomly with everyone i was with, i have alot of theories about love, they could be perceived as bleak, but i say realism and logic is more like, for instance, ppl can convince themselves of anything,but anyone who at some point sais they are in love with two or more ppl at one time on some intimate like level, is a liar, its obviously some sort of cover for an underlying issue, entertain the " loving " feeling over facing being rejected, or something similar, its all about how ppl are selfish, sure i want love, and to feel special, but not at the expense of induldging in every girl that walks by.
Probably a person would say to me, stop bitching about being lonely and go out there and find a girl, i would tell them that when they went out there did they jump in too fast and end up heart-broken again coz of their fear based poor decision, yes. But then im an intravert so i guess im bias a little, i can entertain myself enough to tide over any long loneliness, and no thats not a sexual connotation, this world is too complex, everyone has an opinion, and im not against them doing so, it just creates alot of perspectives and eliminates structure and promotes chaos.
Anyone who knows even a little bit about me, hopefully, beleives me to me more positive than negative, im not looking for approval on that either, i have crazy theories and ways of looking at things that is a direct link to past issues and who i am, which im completely happy with how i ended out. I shake and cry sometimes, now that shes gone, all i did want was to wake up to her beautiful sleeping face everyday of my life, and most thoughts that meant alot to me was about those notions, if your like me and beleive in multiple lives and your broken-hearted and bummed on love, then you can join me in rejoicing at second chances, weeeeeeee !
contrary to how it may look, I do value love, it is indeed the only thing i do value, when it comes right down to it. hehe, Alshleigh was very amatuer in her love of music, shes uneducated on the mechanics of rock lol, but she opened my eyes and ears to some music i value alot now, i guess you could say she saved me alot too, Chevelle, thanks baby! ummm OLP , indeed !!, Goo Goo Dolls, her favourite, she knew her shit with them lol lots of one song wonders, not one hit wonders, but bands where she liked them from only hearing their main release lol, ie. trapt, Seether, Serial Joe,also Vertical Horizon was a band we both enjoyed, well anyhow, enough going on about her, her her her her her, it seems to be getting old even for me.
I guess this is goodbye Ashleigh ( even though she wont ever see this lol) i didnt get to say it on the phone, i enjoyed the time we had, and wish you luck in life, your an amazing person, Bye baby xoxoxox
That was hard, i cry now, and bid you good day, if anyone read it all or some even i appreciate the effort and interest, im strange and i like it that way, you're all wonderful, byes for now :(
I dont consider myself to be un-intelligent on the ways of relationships, but i dont know what to feel, im confused, about her, about me, the one thing keeping me from heading straight backward is my music. I wasnt at all prepared for a relationship when she came into my life, i fell in love fast, and learned fast what being with a person meant to me, it was all very fast, i wouldnt say too fast, i have no regrets on the origins of our love, it was perfect, the few weeks after our meeting on retrospect werent, i lied a bit, to seem cool or something, and almost everything that could go wrong did, all throughout. But to both of us every amazing moment far out-weighed the unforntunate, im feeling very open right now, vulnerably perhaps, but ill keep talking to entertain my sadness.
Her name isnt Mya, not coz she lied, or coz i lied, rather that like i said, alot happened in the time i was with her, some ppl wouldnt believe a few details of it, but anywho, when i met her to her knowledge she was Mya Anastasia Love, born 16 march 1985, but at around january of this year through a psychic occurence that i was highly involved in, it was found that her past was cloudy, and her perceptions were all distorted from the truth, she investigated my discovery that her inner self devulged, it told me that she was adopted as a todler, Mya had in the beggining expressed her feelings on her " family " many times saying stuff like " i feel like i was adopted and no one told me " , as a kind of joke at the time i thought, but there was some truth to her suspicion, she searched the house that night and found the papers, then she asked her " father " to take her to the adoption home the next morning, where it was found out not only she had been there at age 8 after her mother died, but that the home had made an error of her age, due to poor communication and lack of info on her runnaway mother's self birth, medium story short, shes really born in 1988, and its beleived to be some day in march, the home put 1985 instead and they assumed she just looked young, which she no doubt would have...
Anyhow so this day started the new us, and the most threatening phase of our time together, she was obviously very confused and questioning herself, etc, i myself didnt have a problem with it, and it rather made some sense i thought. However she started to wonder if i should be with her, our age diff stretched from 3 to 6 in a day, so i didnt overly blame her, but reassured over the days to follow, now i realise there was for her never getting over the fact she felt like a different person and hence her love for me faded with her old identity, thats my take on it, as bad as it sucks.
I fell in love with her all over again after that day, coz in a way i got to see the real her, something had always felt weird as good as it was, so i felt comfort almost, she felt like i was too old, as much as she didnt want to hurt me , everyday she felt that more and more i beleive, really i dont understand her basis for saying im an adult, im not a normal guy either way, so there is no comparing to other males i dont think, im very kid-like to me, and youthful, i dont do anything a person who's grown up does, not to say i am immature, im just.... me, she however felt i had to have some magical legal age that was closer to hers, i partially understand, but thought our love was higher than convenience, how wrong was I.
There are a million positives to my time with her, if i shall never fall in love again, she was enough for this life time easily, we never met in the physical world so im still by all accounts a virgin, but that doesnt bother me at all. I saved her, which i am proud of myself, before me she was lost, and very troubled, i showed her love and compassion and spent more time with her than anyone in her life has , and unlocked her past, and corrected things that had been put in her head by others, weird, its kinda like in " Titanic " , i saved her in every way a person can be saved, and that puts me at the bottom of the atlantic...lol, which yes i do feel like im drowning, so... but shes a sweetheart and the only miracle ive seen , it was worth anything im going through now just to know she wont ever be cutting herself again, assuming the new guy isnt really an asshole in waiting.. i strongly hope not. I like her name, Ashleigh Anastasia Szpular, shes part jewish, i used to find it sexy when she would speak to me in hebrew, and french, she is so much smarter than her or anyone ever gave credit for, i let her know that many a time.
I still feel ill, but i like remembering the good times, so its not that bad right now,but if im to do as she pleased and move on, how and who, im just really lost and only my ambitions are keeping me afloat, alls i know is no girl here has ever taken an interest in me, nor am i ever doing anything now in my life to give that a chance, which leaves online, which is never the easiest, not alot of ppl take it serious, which i understand, strangely ive just never been attracted to or thought a girl of my nationality could be with me, or is a chance at being my true love. There was this one girl before Ashleigh, her name was sarah, i was physically attracted to her and we talked always, first girl i ever flirted with, and she was the only girl who ive talked to that much in real life, at the time she was in transition from a long relationship, i waited too long and was too scared and this other guy got to her, i hated him alot even before he got with her, ugh.
But see being with her would have been very regular, and as good of chemistry as we had on a non physical basis,if i play out both relationship possibilities it just doesnt compare to Ashleigh, and i dont even have a picture of her , except one when she was about 5. I think i know why it doesnt compare too, but it rather narrows down chances for love, i dont beleive its easy for me to deal with girls that i gather have had a million boyfriends, which sarah had only had the one, but he was a 3 year guy, i guess i can analyze and theorize all i want, might be that a girl whose had 20 boyfriends will be perfect for me, but i think about that now, and say damn that would have to be every possible thing perfect to outweigh her past, i think ppl are fake sometimes when they say the past is the past and it doesnt bother them, on some level it must, if this mystery girl said that she was just having fun with the past guys or that she loved them all at one point, i wouldnt feel all that good, i certainly wouldnt just sleep with 20 girls and fall in love randomly with everyone i was with, i have alot of theories about love, they could be perceived as bleak, but i say realism and logic is more like, for instance, ppl can convince themselves of anything,but anyone who at some point sais they are in love with two or more ppl at one time on some intimate like level, is a liar, its obviously some sort of cover for an underlying issue, entertain the " loving " feeling over facing being rejected, or something similar, its all about how ppl are selfish, sure i want love, and to feel special, but not at the expense of induldging in every girl that walks by.
Probably a person would say to me, stop bitching about being lonely and go out there and find a girl, i would tell them that when they went out there did they jump in too fast and end up heart-broken again coz of their fear based poor decision, yes. But then im an intravert so i guess im bias a little, i can entertain myself enough to tide over any long loneliness, and no thats not a sexual connotation, this world is too complex, everyone has an opinion, and im not against them doing so, it just creates alot of perspectives and eliminates structure and promotes chaos.
Anyone who knows even a little bit about me, hopefully, beleives me to me more positive than negative, im not looking for approval on that either, i have crazy theories and ways of looking at things that is a direct link to past issues and who i am, which im completely happy with how i ended out. I shake and cry sometimes, now that shes gone, all i did want was to wake up to her beautiful sleeping face everyday of my life, and most thoughts that meant alot to me was about those notions, if your like me and beleive in multiple lives and your broken-hearted and bummed on love, then you can join me in rejoicing at second chances, weeeeeeee !
contrary to how it may look, I do value love, it is indeed the only thing i do value, when it comes right down to it. hehe, Alshleigh was very amatuer in her love of music, shes uneducated on the mechanics of rock lol, but she opened my eyes and ears to some music i value alot now, i guess you could say she saved me alot too, Chevelle, thanks baby! ummm OLP , indeed !!, Goo Goo Dolls, her favourite, she knew her shit with them lol lots of one song wonders, not one hit wonders, but bands where she liked them from only hearing their main release lol, ie. trapt, Seether, Serial Joe,also Vertical Horizon was a band we both enjoyed, well anyhow, enough going on about her, her her her her her, it seems to be getting old even for me.
I guess this is goodbye Ashleigh ( even though she wont ever see this lol) i didnt get to say it on the phone, i enjoyed the time we had, and wish you luck in life, your an amazing person, Bye baby xoxoxox
That was hard, i cry now, and bid you good day, if anyone read it all or some even i appreciate the effort and interest, im strange and i like it that way, you're all wonderful, byes for now :(