what if im not the hero? what if im the bad guy?
i havent written anything for months. on paper or in the sky or in anyone elses eyes. ive been mostly empty and hating every moment i have to spend with myself alone. ive become very aware of my surroundings and the people that are no longer in my life. everyday that i wake up this overwhelming feeling of disappointment consumes me and ends up destroying any chance of a decent day or a decent mood. i dont know if i should be worried, but i know that it isn't healthy, everything that i am doing is not healthy. i seem to be stuck in a rut, in a whole, a box, and ive lost the key to every single door. my naive dreams of love and lust and all that comes with romance have gone down the drain. i wonder if it is possible for two people to be happy and stay happy..together. that notion is getting harder and harder to hold onto. another question that has been burning a hole in my head is; is love ENOUGH? i mean.. really enough, enough to white out all the other negatives, all the other black spaces and dark alleys? is love enough to make someone ignore the bruises? or is love enough to make someone go? make someone leave? make someone break promise after promise. love to me is and has always been broken dishes on the kitchen floor. it is getting harder and harder to face the California sunshine and for once in my life im praying for the rain, for the clouds, for the cold and most importantly the comfort of home, the comfort of my parents eyes, not the disappointment ive recently been seeing in them. my brother moved out about a month ago. our relationship has completely recovered from the shipwreck it was in the last couple years. hes my best friend again and the older that we both become the more important i think we both realize we are to each other. i want to be able to write again to sit and really tare apart my thoughts and my mind and try to make sense of the mess ive made myself. its frustrating. so frustrating that i want to give up on myself. im about to explode from the pressure, and there is nothing more unattractive than a boy wearing eyeliner.