bloo bloo blah blah
okay i haven't done this in awhile. on tuesday i went to a [court appointed (long mortifying story you dont want the deets of)] psychologist and she told me that i. well like in a nutshell nah she said like. i cant remember how she phrased it. but she implied inferred or basically just said that from the soounds of it from the things i have told her - crazy insane sidebar, because i actually thought okay it's at a certain point where maybe i would like help in some form from someone i need to talk to anyway, i actually opened up and told her things ive never told an adult. or any of my friends. except for those that were in the same boat. - whatever and then she said she thought i have some form of depression. and while at times i have considered certain aspects of certain feelings i have to possibly be somewhat related to those experienced by someone with depression, i would never ever ever. okay maybe not never ever ever. but i wouldnt remotely believe that i have depression. well maybe. i dont know it's like a possibility i have thought about but then just immediately dismissed because with certain things like what they call, 'cognitive disorders' or like behavioural or psychological disorders, i actually believe that confirmation of some of those things, IN SOME PEOPLE, from a psychologist, actually worsens the disease. like i dont mean to be insensitive to brooke shields or whatever but i think that like confirmation of add in a child or teen will actually cause it to be more prevalent just because now they like have an excuse for the way they are. you know? like so i didnt want to, or dont want to, actually say that like 'oh yeah i have depression' because then its like an excuse for acting a certain way. or something. and i hate how depression sounds like someone is like depressed like aaall the time and like their life is all black because i wouldnt ever ever categorise myself in that way. and i know it's not a feeling, but people describe me repeatedly as like bubbly, and outgoing and i know those are demeanours more than feelings i guess, but i wouldnt think i have depression. gah. i would just say sometimes low self esteem.
i dont know. see for a long time, maybe still, my life philosophy [it came from an alias fan fiction, how hilariously telling of my thirteen year old self] was/is 'our strength is composed of the weakness we're damned if we're going to show'. and so i would, or still do i guess, diminish any pain or bad things that occured because i rationalised, that a lot of people go through this same thing. in no way am i the only person to experience these things so i shouldnt be making any deal out of them at all. they should be like nothing blips on a nonexistent radar, they are that meaningless in the huge picture of the world. but i guess something ive realised recently is that even though everyone feels the same pain, like the loss of a loved one or getting divorced or hating yourself or something, even though a lot of people go through these things, it doesnt really make the pain any less tangible or real to you. like i guess just because everyone feels it doesnt make it hurt any less. and so perhaps there are things i shouldve brought to attention and talked about long ago, because these are things i refused not to deal with, thinking everyone feels similar ways and they would sort themselves out, but i guess a lot of things grew or something. i didn't have like a nervous breakdown. maybe it sounds like i did. i got really drunk and basically stole my best friends car and drove and crashed into a parked car. like some totally awesome genius person would. awesome. and my parents were like fine and understanding and court is all over and everything it happened last september and the court date was april and whatever nothing happened except i have to see a court ordered psychologist for my apparently unresolved issues. okay i shouldntsay apparently because ive just admitted i have issues that really are unresolved. trying to be mature here. jeez.
i dont know.
if i suddenly figure out that i spent five years out of the seven years i was a teenager, depressed, or with some form of depression, i am going to be really pissed off i wasted time being a paranoid psycho crazy energetic but really erratic person with some weird other things.
but she told me that im supposed to keep track of my thoughts and have like a thoughts diary like featuring the general mood of my thoughts, so i can track when i head into territory that is 'apparently' not normal.
i dont know. i guess it was nice to actually tell some things to someone, about how i feel. she said thats a lot to carry in my head at once. and she didnt refer me to a specialist or anything which was nice. i was always scared that if i told someone about the eating thing that theyd make me see a special doctor again, or make me stop. i guess ill just have to find out that im not hurting anyone, just myself, and ill stop when im ready.
i always determine someone's intelligent by whether or not they can use their appropriate your/you'res, and whether or not they can spell receive. this chick at the dentist couldn't spell receive, so i've deemed her an idiot. it's foolproof. furreals. except for typos. but some dolts still get it wrong. kapoww.
my thoughts have been good today, but then i didnt interact with anyone that wasnt my mother or stepfather so i derno. i have tafe tomorrow which will be a test of whether or not i can get out of my head i guess, cos theyre people i dont know and arent familiar with, so im always like [i didnt say i wasnt stupid] paranoid theyre not going to like me if i say certain things. that sounds so dumb out loud. or in print. it makes sense where i'm from anyway.
but im just always so focused on other people, on what other people are doing that i dont live like me.
ive drank 13.5 litres since wednesday. i can measure cos ive been drinking 1.5 litre mount franklin bottles and ive filled them up as many times as that makes. i have a cold. i didnt go to work today and slept - ohmygod, dyouknow ive worked there for over a year and we have seven or ten allocated sick days a year, and they DONT roll over if you dont take them, AND I ONLY TOOK ONE PAID SICK DAY. i suuuck. i shouldve gotten chicken pox or something, finally. jeez.
i use twitter a lot more now. i guess its nice to document things without having to [insert word that ends in 'ate' and means to add more to something] on everything. without having to think i guess. but its nice to actually put feelings/events into words again.
thats it.
i dont know. see for a long time, maybe still, my life philosophy [it came from an alias fan fiction, how hilariously telling of my thirteen year old self] was/is 'our strength is composed of the weakness we're damned if we're going to show'. and so i would, or still do i guess, diminish any pain or bad things that occured because i rationalised, that a lot of people go through this same thing. in no way am i the only person to experience these things so i shouldnt be making any deal out of them at all. they should be like nothing blips on a nonexistent radar, they are that meaningless in the huge picture of the world. but i guess something ive realised recently is that even though everyone feels the same pain, like the loss of a loved one or getting divorced or hating yourself or something, even though a lot of people go through these things, it doesnt really make the pain any less tangible or real to you. like i guess just because everyone feels it doesnt make it hurt any less. and so perhaps there are things i shouldve brought to attention and talked about long ago, because these are things i refused not to deal with, thinking everyone feels similar ways and they would sort themselves out, but i guess a lot of things grew or something. i didn't have like a nervous breakdown. maybe it sounds like i did. i got really drunk and basically stole my best friends car and drove and crashed into a parked car. like some totally awesome genius person would. awesome. and my parents were like fine and understanding and court is all over and everything it happened last september and the court date was april and whatever nothing happened except i have to see a court ordered psychologist for my apparently unresolved issues. okay i shouldntsay apparently because ive just admitted i have issues that really are unresolved. trying to be mature here. jeez.
i dont know.
if i suddenly figure out that i spent five years out of the seven years i was a teenager, depressed, or with some form of depression, i am going to be really pissed off i wasted time being a paranoid psycho crazy energetic but really erratic person with some weird other things.
but she told me that im supposed to keep track of my thoughts and have like a thoughts diary like featuring the general mood of my thoughts, so i can track when i head into territory that is 'apparently' not normal.
i dont know. i guess it was nice to actually tell some things to someone, about how i feel. she said thats a lot to carry in my head at once. and she didnt refer me to a specialist or anything which was nice. i was always scared that if i told someone about the eating thing that theyd make me see a special doctor again, or make me stop. i guess ill just have to find out that im not hurting anyone, just myself, and ill stop when im ready.
i always determine someone's intelligent by whether or not they can use their appropriate your/you'res, and whether or not they can spell receive. this chick at the dentist couldn't spell receive, so i've deemed her an idiot. it's foolproof. furreals. except for typos. but some dolts still get it wrong. kapoww.
my thoughts have been good today, but then i didnt interact with anyone that wasnt my mother or stepfather so i derno. i have tafe tomorrow which will be a test of whether or not i can get out of my head i guess, cos theyre people i dont know and arent familiar with, so im always like [i didnt say i wasnt stupid] paranoid theyre not going to like me if i say certain things. that sounds so dumb out loud. or in print. it makes sense where i'm from anyway.
but im just always so focused on other people, on what other people are doing that i dont live like me.
ive drank 13.5 litres since wednesday. i can measure cos ive been drinking 1.5 litre mount franklin bottles and ive filled them up as many times as that makes. i have a cold. i didnt go to work today and slept - ohmygod, dyouknow ive worked there for over a year and we have seven or ten allocated sick days a year, and they DONT roll over if you dont take them, AND I ONLY TOOK ONE PAID SICK DAY. i suuuck. i shouldve gotten chicken pox or something, finally. jeez.
i use twitter a lot more now. i guess its nice to document things without having to [insert word that ends in 'ate' and means to add more to something] on everything. without having to think i guess. but its nice to actually put feelings/events into words again.
thats it.