change.
It’s pretty obvious now that it isn’t your parents who’ve stolen your innocence (though they haven’t tried their best to protect it). you’ve tried everything and done everything much too early. and now at fifteen, you’re probably addicted to a couple of different things and you get excited everytime you see a teen movie that reminds you of your life (like all of them.) it’s painfully evident that you are infatuated with a boy who may or may not still be interested, may or may not still find you beautiful, may or may not remember you. it’s painfully evident that you’ve been leading on several boys who care for you very much. it’s painfully evident that all of the clothes and jewelry in the world can’t make you happy. and at the end of the day, you have absolutely nothing. it’s true that you’re a fuck up, there is no denying it. sometimes alone, at night, in the dark, you try to change. you cross your fingers, throw away the old pictures, old letters, and empty envelopes. look in the mirror and vow to be different.
you go through your regular day: you wake up, get dressed, leave the house, go to school, come home, lay on your bed and look up at the ceiling like there are some words that might help you right now. but there aren’t. because the only god damn thing that can help you is yourself and even you’re not willing. your family (if you can still call it that) is in shambles. you are no longer afraid of your mother. your father makes you sad and you spend entire days sitting in the bleachers, tanning on the benches and taking naps. you love good times and fast cars and boys with nice shirts and your social life is sad and typical. house parties and loud clubs and kickbacks in the suburbs and the whole world loves you to pieces. when you come home, you look in the mirror and laugh, but your eyes are sad. when your friends go home, you sit at the edge of the bed with your knees tucked in close to your chin and your eyelashes brimming with tears and while you want to cry, you chin up, take a shower, brush your hair and get ready for another night out.
there are times that you feel like giving up. you’ve taken every blow life has dealt you with a smile on your face and tears in your eyes and the last thing you’re going to do now is give up. the last. sometimes you want to give it all up: the drama, the 2AM phone calls, the empty Sunday mornings, the sadness that creeps up on you when you least expect it. but you’re a fighter and you’re going to fight. you’re going to fight for today and right now because that’s the only god damn thing that matters anyway. at times, you feel so alone and afraid. but fear and loneliness are feelings that you have experienced all of your god damn life and though your stomach turns in knots and though your eyes are so full with tears it feels like your lashes are holding back the sea, you will not stop. you cannot stop. you will wake up one day and while your mother is screaming, your friends are whispering, your life is crumbling around you, raise your eyebrow and say, ‘did you really think you were going to stop me?’
you go through your regular day: you wake up, get dressed, leave the house, go to school, come home, lay on your bed and look up at the ceiling like there are some words that might help you right now. but there aren’t. because the only god damn thing that can help you is yourself and even you’re not willing. your family (if you can still call it that) is in shambles. you are no longer afraid of your mother. your father makes you sad and you spend entire days sitting in the bleachers, tanning on the benches and taking naps. you love good times and fast cars and boys with nice shirts and your social life is sad and typical. house parties and loud clubs and kickbacks in the suburbs and the whole world loves you to pieces. when you come home, you look in the mirror and laugh, but your eyes are sad. when your friends go home, you sit at the edge of the bed with your knees tucked in close to your chin and your eyelashes brimming with tears and while you want to cry, you chin up, take a shower, brush your hair and get ready for another night out.
there are times that you feel like giving up. you’ve taken every blow life has dealt you with a smile on your face and tears in your eyes and the last thing you’re going to do now is give up. the last. sometimes you want to give it all up: the drama, the 2AM phone calls, the empty Sunday mornings, the sadness that creeps up on you when you least expect it. but you’re a fighter and you’re going to fight. you’re going to fight for today and right now because that’s the only god damn thing that matters anyway. at times, you feel so alone and afraid. but fear and loneliness are feelings that you have experienced all of your god damn life and though your stomach turns in knots and though your eyes are so full with tears it feels like your lashes are holding back the sea, you will not stop. you cannot stop. you will wake up one day and while your mother is screaming, your friends are whispering, your life is crumbling around you, raise your eyebrow and say, ‘did you really think you were going to stop me?’