24, here I come!
I keep dreaming of Egypt.
Sometimes when I'm awake, my thoughts will wander towards these saturated memories of Cairo- the sunset at the pyramids, dust storms across the Nile, the great expanse of the Cities of the Dead, or the hundreds of muezzin calling out to pray. But when I sleep, my dreams head straight to the minutae. I am always back in Cairo and preparing to live my life there again. I dream about SIM cards and apartment hunting. I dream about new roommates and have long discussions about dial up or DSL. We go shopping or out to familiar restaurants. Every part of me is sure that I am back there again. Then I'm awake, disoriented to find myself in Pennsylvania.
I've never put much stock into dreams but part of me wonders if there is something I should take from all of this.
Aside from possible out-of-body trips to Cairo, I've been mostly occupied with a fairly mundane life. I find it really hard to write when I'm busy and even harder to write when I'm boring, especially when there is such a large gap between entries. The span of time looms large and I feel so much pressure to fill it with information. There are a million little events that have occurred since March 3, 2008 but none have seemed weighty enough to fill the void of all those missing days.
So each time, I sit down to write about a thought I have or a small bit of news and I stop mid-way, feeling a little too shy about my absence and a little too embarrassed about my lack of major accomplishments.
I'm turning 24 today.
If I had to characterize 23, it would certainly be of feeling in between. Knox and I have always known we'd only been in Pennsylvania for about a year and a half, so we've never really settled in here. One foot has always been out the door, one eye always to the places ahead.
Coupled with it is a post-college malaise that hasn't yet subsided. So much of my life has been spent with a beginning, middle and eventual end. Each year in grade school, each semester in college, each adventure to another place, at any moment there was a temporal position to my current situation. Fall, spring, summer semesters. Arrival, or days until departure. But now, I'm standing at the edge of the rest of my life with nothing but an abyss of possibility ahead.
Some days, that possibility is very exciting. Knox and I talk about our future together. We talk about moving to Tennessee, about buying our first house, about getting married, about kids, about our careers, about me going back to school.
But other days, that abyss of possibility is overwhelming. I am afraid to choose a career or take concrete steps toward graduate school. Instead I pass each day simply living in between . I fail to make any decisions that might turn that abyss into a road. I'm really afraid of that road.
I know that I'm going to have to make those big decisions soon. If I keep pushing those choices off, I'm going to regret putting my life on hold because I'm too scared to take a plunge.
On the other hand, 23 has been blessed with a tremendous amount of happiness. I have a cadre of unfailing supporters who take my neuroses in stride and still manage to love me despite my post-college blues. Although Knox and I haven't completely settled into Pennsylvania, we've settled very much into being with each other. Things about our relationship have changed so much in the past year that I hardly recognize where we started. Not to mention I have so many wonderful friends who continue to hold a place in my heart even though they are far away. Some of them I rarely even speak to, but when I see them again, it is like nothing has changed. I feel like after 23 years of feeling awkward and out of place, I'm finally starting to feel a bit more comfortable with who I am.
All in all, I want 24 to be an eventful year. After a long year of relaxation and settling into my skin, I want a little more adventure. Just when I start to feel comfortable, I feel the need to stretch myself a little further. Yemen, or maybe Syria. A new hobby, a new city, a new school. I think it's the right time- I just need to take the step into the abyss.
Sometimes when I'm awake, my thoughts will wander towards these saturated memories of Cairo- the sunset at the pyramids, dust storms across the Nile, the great expanse of the Cities of the Dead, or the hundreds of muezzin calling out to pray. But when I sleep, my dreams head straight to the minutae. I am always back in Cairo and preparing to live my life there again. I dream about SIM cards and apartment hunting. I dream about new roommates and have long discussions about dial up or DSL. We go shopping or out to familiar restaurants. Every part of me is sure that I am back there again. Then I'm awake, disoriented to find myself in Pennsylvania.
I've never put much stock into dreams but part of me wonders if there is something I should take from all of this.
Aside from possible out-of-body trips to Cairo, I've been mostly occupied with a fairly mundane life. I find it really hard to write when I'm busy and even harder to write when I'm boring, especially when there is such a large gap between entries. The span of time looms large and I feel so much pressure to fill it with information. There are a million little events that have occurred since March 3, 2008 but none have seemed weighty enough to fill the void of all those missing days.
So each time, I sit down to write about a thought I have or a small bit of news and I stop mid-way, feeling a little too shy about my absence and a little too embarrassed about my lack of major accomplishments.
I'm turning 24 today.
If I had to characterize 23, it would certainly be of feeling in between. Knox and I have always known we'd only been in Pennsylvania for about a year and a half, so we've never really settled in here. One foot has always been out the door, one eye always to the places ahead.
Coupled with it is a post-college malaise that hasn't yet subsided. So much of my life has been spent with a beginning, middle and eventual end. Each year in grade school, each semester in college, each adventure to another place, at any moment there was a temporal position to my current situation. Fall, spring, summer semesters. Arrival, or days until departure. But now, I'm standing at the edge of the rest of my life with nothing but an abyss of possibility ahead.
Some days, that possibility is very exciting. Knox and I talk about our future together. We talk about moving to Tennessee, about buying our first house, about getting married, about kids, about our careers, about me going back to school.
But other days, that abyss of possibility is overwhelming. I am afraid to choose a career or take concrete steps toward graduate school. Instead I pass each day simply living in between . I fail to make any decisions that might turn that abyss into a road. I'm really afraid of that road.
I know that I'm going to have to make those big decisions soon. If I keep pushing those choices off, I'm going to regret putting my life on hold because I'm too scared to take a plunge.
On the other hand, 23 has been blessed with a tremendous amount of happiness. I have a cadre of unfailing supporters who take my neuroses in stride and still manage to love me despite my post-college blues. Although Knox and I haven't completely settled into Pennsylvania, we've settled very much into being with each other. Things about our relationship have changed so much in the past year that I hardly recognize where we started. Not to mention I have so many wonderful friends who continue to hold a place in my heart even though they are far away. Some of them I rarely even speak to, but when I see them again, it is like nothing has changed. I feel like after 23 years of feeling awkward and out of place, I'm finally starting to feel a bit more comfortable with who I am.
All in all, I want 24 to be an eventful year. After a long year of relaxation and settling into my skin, I want a little more adventure. Just when I start to feel comfortable, I feel the need to stretch myself a little further. Yemen, or maybe Syria. A new hobby, a new city, a new school. I think it's the right time- I just need to take the step into the abyss.