A Klingon Purim Story
Kreplach Means Success
A Klingon Purim Story
By pr1ss
with Musical accompaniment by
The ZZ Orchestra
NARRATOR Our guide through Space
MINISTRESS OF CONTINUITY Bureaucrats gonna Bureaucrat
QUEEN ASHUAGANDA An A-Mosessian
VASHTRIX An also-ran
PRINCE ETROG-SKA Charming, and Brawny too
COACH MARDOK Brawny in deed
99 OTHER BRAWNIES The runners-up
HAMANIANS One dozen dastardly demons
NARRATOR: It is morning on the planet of the A-Moses-essian Women. Young QUEEN ASHAGANDA is practicing her martial arts. Then she has an appointment with her Ministress of Continuity.
MINISTRESS: My Royal Queen, now that you are 21, your war council is asking if you have a plan for succession. And your interior decorators are eager to pick out wallpaper and toys for the nursery.
QUEEN ASHUA: The honor of our people shall be preserved in due time.
MINISTRESS: With all of the respect of all of our Houses, it is time to share your plan with the council. If they sense weakness, your dynasty will be in peril. Would-be, upstart, potential usurpers lurk behind every hud and hill!
MINISTRESS: Kreplach!
NARRATOR: Kreplach was the word in the ancient A-Mosessian language that meant may you have success. It was also often used when saying goodbye.
QUEEN ASHUA: Very wise advice my loyal MINISTRESS. I shall become engaged. That, at least will damp down any legal arguments from undeserving rival Houses.
NARRATOR: So QUEEN ASHUA looked through her correspondence files to see if there were any prospects from her past. She came across a few letters from VASHTRIX, who she had met at Camp Mok when they were both growing up.
QUEEN ASHUA: Computer, open a channel to my old friend VASHTRIX.
QUEEN ASHUA: VASHTRIX, I trust that you are well. What are you occupied with these days?
VASHTRIX: My Royal Queen, what an honor to receive your call! I have been attending so many root beer festivals. Do you know that root beer is made from an actual root? I was blown away when I found out. I'm also taking a class in school called, "How to Build a Ship in a Bottle".
NARRATOR: QUEEN ASHUA was dismayed. She could not imagine spending the rest of her life with this bottle building Mok'tah.
QUEEN ASHUA: MINISTRESS!
MINISTRESS: Yes my QUEEN,
QUEEN ASHUA: Make haste! We must travel to Klingon Home World to choose a royal Parma-Chai. Someone who will impress my councils, and who meets my specifications. We must leave today to be there in time.
MINISTRESS: Of course! The Brawny Festival begins next week. You will have an excellent selection of young BRAWNIES from which to choose your Parma-Chai.
NARRATOR: And so the following week, QUEEN ASHUA, chaperoned by her MINISTRESS took her place as Honorary Grand Marshal of the Klingon Spring Brawny Festival. As the two of them looked over the activities, they could see all manner of jogging, chanting, weight-lifting, and grunting. So much grunting. The whole atmosphere was so much louder and somehow darker than on the Mosessian Planet. The sun was tinged red, instead of the lavender that she was accustomed to.
QUEEN ASHUA: MINISTRESS, there are so many to choose from, do you have any suggestions on how to narrow down the field?
MINISTRESS: Of course there will be champions of the contests and and perhaps an overall best in show.... But to give you even more information, I have prepared a BINDER FULL OF BRAWNIES.
NARRATOR: And The MINISTRESS held up, not a loose-leaf notebook, for of course Mosessians and Klingons have space age of the future technology, but a tablet computer display.
A few BRAWNIES sounded promising, especially one by the name of ETROG-SKA.
The MINISTRESS arranged for QUEEN ASHUA to meet briefly with a series of BRAWNIES, it was a sort of interstellar speed dating. Let's listen in for a minute.
QUEEN ASHUA: In between BRAWNIE contests, how do you occupy your time?
ETROG-SKA: I do a lot of martial arts training. I also work on a Targ ranch and I brew my own Blood Wine.
NARRATOR: This was a good answer, because all that the other BRAWNIES wanted to talk about was that they were Space Army Warriors and most of them had listed all of their ribbons and medals.
QUEEN ASHUA: I have always wondered what kind of blood is in the Blood Wine.
ETROG-SKA : It's a family recipe that is known only to members of my house. It is also shared with relatives by marriage.
NARRATOR: Yes, Another good answer. Flirty, but still respectful. QUEEN ASHUA admired his quick wit and his ample biceps.
Then the QUEEN and her MINISTRESS walked around the festival grounds to observe the action a bit more.
QUEEN ASHUA: I notice that not all of the BRAWNIES are enormously big, and well, brawny. Some of them are shorter and more rounded in their bodily form.
MINISTRESS: I'll introduce you to COACH MARDOK. You can learn some inside details.
NARRATOR: QUEEN ASHUA met with COACH MARDOK who was tiny but fierce.
COACH MARDOK: I push my warrior athletes to excel in the arts of hand to hand fighting, also to be excellent Targ handlers, and to prefect their weaving, sewing, and cooking abilities.
QUEEN ASHUA: So even though all that they like to talk about is fighting in wars, they are all proficient in home economics?
COACH MARDOK: It's a graduation requirement at the MARDOK War College!
NARRATOR: QUEEN ASHUA and COACH MARDOK had such a good time talking together, that they spent the evening at a Klingon Dance-Ko-tek. They even had a glass of Blood wine, which didn't really taste like blood, or like wine, but it certainly packed a punch.
The next day QUEEN ASHUA met ETROG-SKA once again.
ETROG-SKA : Today I am working on my ALEPH prowess.
NARRATOR: ETROG-SKA demonstrated a few moves.
QUEEN ASHUA: I will try that as well.
NARRATOR: QUEEN ASHUA demonstrated the same moves and one more.
ETROG-SKA: You are a natural!
QUEEN ASHUA: Shall we try a round?
NARRATOR: The two were about to try a sparring match, but just then. (dun dun dun)
A spaceship landed right in the middle of the festival grounds and a dozen HAMANIANS came running out! (Groger sounds)
QUEEN ASHUA, ETROG-SKA, The MINISTRESS, and COACH MARDOK grabbed their ALEPHs and sliced the HAMANIANS (Groger sounds) up into little tiny pieces!
COACH MARDOK: QUEEN ASHUA, your skills at wielding the ALEPH in battle are beyond compare!
QUEEN ASHUA: That is high praise coming from you, a winning COACH and a fierce warrior.
NARRATOR: QUEEN ASHUA turned the Letter A shaped ALEPH weapon upside down to show that now it looks like a Letter V.
QUEEN ASHUA: On my planet we use exactly the same weapon and we call it a VETH.
NARRATOR: With the HAMANIAN (Groger sounds)
invaders dispatched, the festival continued.
ETROG-SKA won first prize in BRAWNIEness, and after an awards ceremony, all sat down to a feast of Targ stew and also some Kreplach.
QUEEN ASHUA, realizing that ETROG-SKA would make a good consort, asked him to accompany her back to the A-Moses-essian planet. She also felt a strong attachment to COACH MARDOK and was able to persuade her to come along and to join the A-Mosessian royal court as an advisor, and to be her own close companion. The MINISTRESS agreed to remain on the Klingon home world and to take over all of what had been COACH MARDOK's leadership duties.
As we lift off from The Klingon world QUEEN ASHUA felt satisfied in her choices. The mission to plan to for succession had been a success, or as we say in the local language: KREPLACH!
But she was left with a few lingering questions.
QUEEN ASHUA: PRINCE ETROG-SKA, the Targs are so cute. I hate to think of chopping them up like HAMANIANS (Groger sounds) and then eating them in a stew.
PRINCE ETROG-SKA: You can ease your mind my queen. The stew is made out of barley. We have an arrangement with the Targs. For a share in our harvest, they guard the barley fields to keep them from being destroyed by the MOGATUs, an insatiable herbivorous species.
QUEEN ASHUA: And about the ingredients in the wine?
NARRATOR: But the spaceship engines roar loudly preventing us from hearing the answer. And so, while QUEEN ASHUA may find out the secret recipe, the rest of us may never know.
Closing Song
Kreplach Means Success
As we look up toward starry heavens
We know therein dwell relations and friends
There will ever be war and be strife
Against it, we ever shall re-unite
Our forged alliance, the peace shall restore
Onward we'll sail jointly forevermore
To all Klingons, and to our Purim guests
We wish you Kreplach, which means success.
In a tempest at sea a small boat was hove
Searching for the shelter of a gentle cove
A contest to choose who's worthy of
A stellar consort to place hand in glove
Now Parma-Chais forever in love
Our Alephs and Bets in poetry move
To all Klingons, and to our Purim guests
We wish you Kreplach, which means success