(no subject)
There's something's that you just can't see. Only when they're laid right in front of your face. But other things are there....
Somethings you just can't fathome would actually happen. Yeah, you know those days when things just kind of get put into perspective for you? Well, I guess that's how today was. Like I couldn't do it on my own? I guess not. I guess I always have to have someone there to fall back on. Like I can't be independant on my own? Fuck that. I know I can. So.. why aren't I? Yeah, see .. that's the thing I can't get through my own head. He's my age and I look up to him like he's had so much more experience. Fuck that. Yeah, he's been arrested. I haven't. Big fucking deal. That's the one thing that he's been through that I haven't. He still doesn't know what happened to me. He doesn't know about the past abuse, he doesn't know about the drugs and depression. He doesn't know about half the shit I'm trying to figure out and now something's wrong. I love him don't get me wrong, but there's just something there that I couldn't ever see before. God damn, why was I so naive? So naive as to believe that he was my heart and soul. Not litterally but still. It's just something that I should have seen before now. The one person I thought I could fall back on and could possibly believe in me.. even he didn't. What's that supposed to mean to me??
I feel so let down I guess you could say. So dependant on him. I need his permission for everything I've ever done. Now it's just something that I can't get past my own mind and honestly I thought that I was stronger than this. Yet somehow, I feel so weak after this. It's something I never thought would happen to me. He knows me. He knows my thoughts. He's who I went to for comfort. Where do I go after that? Ha. Like hell if I know right? It's something that won't happen now. Something that can't. For my own sake. And for his. He doesn't need me around. I sure as hell don't need him. Or so I think. I guess I'll let it go and just see what happens.
I'll figure it out on my own. All in due time though, all in due time. I'll figure it out when it's the hardest, and when it matters the most. That's the hardest part. Accepting that small detail. Fuck it all to hell then. It's my life. I'll do whatever the fuck I please, with or without him in my life. It'll be ten times harder. But I need to prove to him.. and myself.. that I am capable without him around. I will show him that I can do what I set my mind to.
Somethings you just can't fathome would actually happen. Yeah, you know those days when things just kind of get put into perspective for you? Well, I guess that's how today was. Like I couldn't do it on my own? I guess not. I guess I always have to have someone there to fall back on. Like I can't be independant on my own? Fuck that. I know I can. So.. why aren't I? Yeah, see .. that's the thing I can't get through my own head. He's my age and I look up to him like he's had so much more experience. Fuck that. Yeah, he's been arrested. I haven't. Big fucking deal. That's the one thing that he's been through that I haven't. He still doesn't know what happened to me. He doesn't know about the past abuse, he doesn't know about the drugs and depression. He doesn't know about half the shit I'm trying to figure out and now something's wrong. I love him don't get me wrong, but there's just something there that I couldn't ever see before. God damn, why was I so naive? So naive as to believe that he was my heart and soul. Not litterally but still. It's just something that I should have seen before now. The one person I thought I could fall back on and could possibly believe in me.. even he didn't. What's that supposed to mean to me??
I feel so let down I guess you could say. So dependant on him. I need his permission for everything I've ever done. Now it's just something that I can't get past my own mind and honestly I thought that I was stronger than this. Yet somehow, I feel so weak after this. It's something I never thought would happen to me. He knows me. He knows my thoughts. He's who I went to for comfort. Where do I go after that? Ha. Like hell if I know right? It's something that won't happen now. Something that can't. For my own sake. And for his. He doesn't need me around. I sure as hell don't need him. Or so I think. I guess I'll let it go and just see what happens.
I'll figure it out on my own. All in due time though, all in due time. I'll figure it out when it's the hardest, and when it matters the most. That's the hardest part. Accepting that small detail. Fuck it all to hell then. It's my life. I'll do whatever the fuck I please, with or without him in my life. It'll be ten times harder. But I need to prove to him.. and myself.. that I am capable without him around. I will show him that I can do what I set my mind to.