Twelve Ways to Know it's (Almost) Christmas!
In no particular order:
1. Tuesday morning grocery shopping is a bit like I imagine life post zombie-apocalypse to be like: A running battle through a supermarket against people with dead eyes and pointy elbows. Although I have to admit that I'm not quite sure zombie-elbows are actually pointier than people-elbows.
2. Getting drunk in public is not only tolerated, it's suddenly encouraged. If you try to avoid it, people call you a douche and ply you with alcohol anyway.
3. Strange, elderly men in funny clothes can suddenly give candy to children to their heart's content and instead of slapping the holy hell out of them, mothers coo and take pictures.
4. You stop counting in calories and start counting in cookies.
5. You smile wistfully at the mention of your extended family, instead of breaking into a twenty-five minute tirade about those inbred, idiotic, goddamn alcoholic, good for nothing assholes.
6. When a kid comes running with an expensive to at the store, mommy doesn't say 'The hell am I paying forty bucks for that!' Instead she says, 'Maybe Santa will bring it to you, honey.'
7. People watch the weather report with a sort of fervent zeal usually reserved for porn and ball games.
8. People voluntarily get up at five in the morning.
9. Instead of making gagging noises when trashy eighties pop-songs come on, people sing along.
10. Generally, singing loudly and off-key is encouraged, often in conjunction with the public drinking.
11. People rediscover the religion they swore off forever twenty years ago, only to spontaneously lose it again before New Year's.
And 12. Chopping off trees, using wrapping paper like it grows on trees (oh, wait, it does) and wasting electricity is completely okay if you do it in the name of the Christmas Spirit, whoever the hell he is.
My conclusions?
1. Christmas is a season of madness, during which
2. People forget everything they ever learned and all their normal reactions to just about everything so that,
3. If aliens landed on Earth during Christmas, they'd probably shake their heads and then run for their lives.
Also, did you know that Christmas is the time of year that has not only the most suicides, but also the most family related homicides?
Merry Christmas!
1. Tuesday morning grocery shopping is a bit like I imagine life post zombie-apocalypse to be like: A running battle through a supermarket against people with dead eyes and pointy elbows. Although I have to admit that I'm not quite sure zombie-elbows are actually pointier than people-elbows.
2. Getting drunk in public is not only tolerated, it's suddenly encouraged. If you try to avoid it, people call you a douche and ply you with alcohol anyway.
3. Strange, elderly men in funny clothes can suddenly give candy to children to their heart's content and instead of slapping the holy hell out of them, mothers coo and take pictures.
4. You stop counting in calories and start counting in cookies.
5. You smile wistfully at the mention of your extended family, instead of breaking into a twenty-five minute tirade about those inbred, idiotic, goddamn alcoholic, good for nothing assholes.
6. When a kid comes running with an expensive to at the store, mommy doesn't say 'The hell am I paying forty bucks for that!' Instead she says, 'Maybe Santa will bring it to you, honey.'
7. People watch the weather report with a sort of fervent zeal usually reserved for porn and ball games.
8. People voluntarily get up at five in the morning.
9. Instead of making gagging noises when trashy eighties pop-songs come on, people sing along.
10. Generally, singing loudly and off-key is encouraged, often in conjunction with the public drinking.
11. People rediscover the religion they swore off forever twenty years ago, only to spontaneously lose it again before New Year's.
And 12. Chopping off trees, using wrapping paper like it grows on trees (oh, wait, it does) and wasting electricity is completely okay if you do it in the name of the Christmas Spirit, whoever the hell he is.
My conclusions?
1. Christmas is a season of madness, during which
2. People forget everything they ever learned and all their normal reactions to just about everything so that,
3. If aliens landed on Earth during Christmas, they'd probably shake their heads and then run for their lives.
Also, did you know that Christmas is the time of year that has not only the most suicides, but also the most family related homicides?
Merry Christmas!