(no subject)
I cut myself for a long time.. i started when i was 16 and i am 18 now in a few months so it is not that long but at the time i was going through a bad patch. I had exams and i guess that i had no control of waht was going on in my life so i used self harm as a way of feeling alive and in control i guess. it realesed so much fustration and sadness that i was holding inside me. watching the blood flow out everything went with it. i kept this from everyone. no one knew. once my exams were over all the preassure went. but still i did not stop.... it puzzled me. it became part of my routine.....
over the next few weeks i started falling for a guy... he was amazing. so careing, so selfless. we wetnt to camp that summer. me, him and a big group of pur friends. we had a blast. people were convinces something was going on, but to my dismay he had a girlfriend. i was crazy to think i could stand up to her, she had everything i did not, she gave him everyhting i couldent. i fell for him. his best friends came with us also and they could see the way we were together. everyone noticed the connection, everthing we did we did together. we danced at the discos we slept in the same tend during the day, we clung to eachother, you wouldent find one of us without the other. i could just cry in his arms and laugh and just be me. i did not have to be who everyone wanted me to be. everyone could see we liked eachother. he listened to my chemical romance for me and he dislikes them with a passion, he wouldent even listen to them for his girl friend. he loved tickeling me. we would just sit there for hours on end with me in his arms and fallig asleep on him. but camp had to end and we had to go home back to reality. but that is onetime i will never forget. hopefully he wont either.
for that whole time i did not think once about cutting myself. i was happy. then i had to go back to school. it was like hell. i started cutting again, this time deeper and more blood. i couldent go one day without hurting myself. so along with the cutting i started making myself sick. DELIBRATLY. i guess it was inevidable for people to find out , i mean they had to sooner or later. i was at the towns team football match and i fainted. of course a pules had to be taken and they had to take it from my wrist and they found all the the cuts and scars form before. i said to them that my cat went scitzo in the middle of the night and i went to pet her and she scratched me. they did not buy it. who would eh? i shure wouldent. so i was taken to the hospital. i hate the places. they wanted to keep me in. they told my mum that it was just to do more tests but it was really so i could see someone to talk to. the next day someone told my dad. i went home and i cried all day. my dad cried. since then i have tried my hardest not to cut and i have but i ahve started to hurt my self in other ways. i punch walls and not the smartest thing to do especaily when you have to go to school the next day.
since then i have been seeing a councler and it has helped and i am doing good. it does help to talk, if you know someone that does this dont preassure them to talk if you dont want to talk just be there for them.
and remember.......
it is nothing to be afraid of ar ashamed of.....