Trapped: Chapter 12
Title: Trapped
Pairings: Yoochun/Junsu, implied Yunho/Jaejoong
Rating: NC-17
Genre: Romance, Drama, Humor, Angst
Warnings: Language, sexual content, suggested anxiety/panic disorder, mentioning of death (none of the main characters).
Length: 12/17
Summary:With his entire future planned out for him Yoochun has lead a predictable life until the day he met Junsu, a shut-in who hasn’t left his room for many years in a row. Throw in some excessively random colleagues, insane friend and growing forbidden feelings and all of a sudden Yoochun’s life seems to get more complicated than it has ever been.
With slow, uncertain steps Junsu walked past the graves, sometimes halting to read the inscriptions from a save distance, then taking a deep breath and moving on. When Yoochun still hadn’t arrived half past seven he had decided it was time to be brave and had taken the bus on his own. Yoochun being late really wasn’t that big of a surprise, with all the fuzz going on in his life lately he usually was, but Junsu knew that if he didn’t go today he probably never would. And he needed this to be able to leave certain things behind him.
~
‘Can you please stop talking? I’m trying to work here!’
‘You’re getting boring Junsu, seriously, all you do is study. Let’s just go outside, you need…’
‘I said piss off!’
~
Junsu really hoped he was at the right place. The register he had studied earlier that day said it should be here, but still... After the twenty-minute bus ride he had randomly paced in front of the graveyard-gates for at least half an hour because he hadn't dared to enter, and now he was endlessly scurrying in between the graves... It was all really starting to take its toll on him. When he had left the hospital’s safe environment, stuffed with medication, he had been so very sure he could handle it. He no longer was.
He stopped at a plaque that read ‘Lee Ji Heon - no one liked him anyway’.
~
‘Junsuuuuu~’
‘Workiiii~ng’
‘I’ve got something for you.’
‘…’
‘Look.’
‘What’s this plushy Juno, I’m pretty sure I’m too old for that.’
‘It’s not just a plushy, it’s a magical panda, if you cuddle it every evening before you go to sleep it’ll help you get what you really want in life!’
‘… Are you kidding me…’
‘Nope, here, you can have it, but I want it back once you got what you wished for.’
‘I don’t want it… I’ll need more than some stupid toy to get me through this exam.’
‘…’
‘… Don’t…’
‘You know, maybe getting into that university really isn't all that important.’
‘Juno…’
‘You should just take me as an example!’
‘Ok, this conversation is over, you can leave now.’
‘Fine…’
‘…’
‘I’ll just leave the panda here to make sure.’
‘Bye Juno.’
~
There it was. Even in the twilight from a ten feet distance he could read the name. Quickly Junsu walked towards it and crouched down. Carefully he scraped away the dirt that had clotted together inside the letters over the last few years. It had obviously not been touched since it was placed there. It read the birth date and date of passing, and below in neat letters: Kim Ju No - beloved son and brother.
Junsu scoffed, ‘beloved’? By his many friends maybe, but not by his family. He had disliked him because he was jealous; at least that was what he knew now. Jealous of how easygoing Juno had been with everyone while Junsu remained forever awkward. Jealous because he would go out and party, have fun, and do whatever he wanted while Junsu was inside, studying late every evening, all simply because his father had given up on Juno a long time ago. He had still been allowed to live inside the house, but that had been about it. Maybe he had hoped this silent treatment would make Juno the way he had wanted him to, but it hadn’t; Juno had turned more rebellious by the day.
Junsu fumbled with the panda’s button eye while looking down to the grave. Now that he was here, he wasn’t even sure what he had come for in the first place. He had hoped that maybe it would give him relief, somehow, but it didn’t, far from it. Even with his medication, which was meant to calm and soothe him, he felt more uncomfortable than ever. The darker the night sky grew the more aware he became of the fact that he was alone.
Maybe I should’ve just waited for Yoochun…
He folded his arms around his legs in his crouched position and let his chin rest on his knees. It was weird; no matter how hard he tried, he never could recall any real memories of Juno. Some flashes, the feeling of annoyance and jealousy, but no real memories. Absentmindedly he let his empty hand go over the name.
~~~~~~
“Oh no…” Junsu groaned, turning his bag completely inside out on top of his table. Today was the day of his university entrance exam, his only real chance to get inside Seoul University. A chance he had studied for for months and now he had forgotten his lucky pen. This is not really happening…
“What is it?” his brother asked, wiggling back and forth on his chair. “You lost something?”
“Yes, my pen…” thoroughly annoyed with himself he rummaged through his stuff, furiously trying to remember where he might have left it. “Fuck,” he exclaimed, and dropped down in his chair. After all this trouble… he felt like crying.
“Come on, it’s just a pen,” his brother sighed. “Here, you can use mine.”
“I don’t want yours,” Junsu snapped, annoyed, “I want my own, it brings me good luck…”
A very amused grin came over Juno’s face. “Yah, what’s this,” he tapped Junsu’s table with his pen, “you don’t believe in the luck of the panda but you do have a lucky pen? That's kind of hypocritical don’t you think.”
“Shut up,” Junsu snapped, and slapped his brother’s hand away. “It’s not like you’d understand.” Juno was only there for some third rank wannabe university exam. He probably did not even care whether he would pass or not. But to him this exam was everything. If he didn’t pass… Junsu didn’t even want to know what would happen if he didn’t pass.
“Ok, ok, calm down, I was just kidding,” Juno sighed and paused for a second. “You want me to go get it for you?”
“What?” Junsu looked up, uncomprehending.
“Your pen… do you want me to go get it? We still have fifteen minutes. If I use my motorbike and ride fast I can easily be back before that.”
Junsu looked at him, a faint glimmer of hope in his eyes.
His brother sighed, but rather to mock him than of annoyance. “Seriously, you are so simple. Has anyone ever told you that? What does it look like?”
“It’s the green one, I think I left it on top of my desk… but you’ll miss your exam…”
“Don’t worry,” Juno said and quickly stood up. “I’ll be back in time!”
Nervously Junsu waited, eyeing the clock continuously, only stopping to look outside to see if Juno had already arrived. But he hadn't, and when the examinator indicated they could turn around their papers and start he had to give in. He was leaning down, looking through his bag to find another pen, when he saw it: half sticking out of the side-pocket was his green lucky pen. Exclaiming a sigh of relief he quickly took it and started on his first question, not even thinking about Juno for one second, and not even realizing he had not come back, until the exam had passed.
~~~~~~
Junsu felt something clench inside his stomach as he stared at his brother’s gravestone. Juno had died in a motorcycle accident, his father immediately presuming he had been joyriding once again, but he hadn't, he had been trying to find Junsu’s pen. That stupid pen that had been inside his bag all along and had not brought him any luck at all. That day, Junsu had not passed his exam, only by four points, but nevertheless.
To make it worse he had not been at Juno’s funeral. Not because he hadn’t wanted to, but because he hadn’t known. His parents had decided not to tell him his brother had died until he had gotten his final results, and he? Well he had pretty much just presumed Juno was just out again for a few days, like he would do all the time… But had he really? The only times Junsu could remember him being gone for a few days in a row was when he had fought with his dad again. That time there hadn’t been a fight…
‘Do you want me to get it?’
Junsu clenched his hand around the toy’s button painfully tight as the first dry sob escaped his lips. He placed a trembling hand over his mouth to prevent himself from making loud noises, an automatism he still hadn’t gotten rid of.
‘Don’t worry!’
‘Don’t worry, I’ll get it for you.’
‘Don’t worry, I’ll be back in time.’
‘Don’t worry about dad, just think about yourself.’
‘Don’t worry about me, at least one of us is happy, right? It’s ok that I’m a failure, you’ll make it one day, and then I can tell everyone what an awesome little brother I have!’
Tears flowed freely now, one hick-upped sob following the other so fast it made his throat hurt. This didn’t feel good. This didn’t feel good at all. Junsu clasped his hands over his head and huddled up more, as if to hide himself in his own lap. He didn’t want to remember, didn’t want to remember what his brother’s final words were, or his words before that, he didn’t want to remember his voice at all. It hurt too much.
“Su? Are you… oh god, are you ok?”
Before he had even realized who it was, he was already taken into the safety of Yoochun’s arms. However, the warmth around him, even though it was soothing, just seemed to trigger more, flashes of everything that had ever happened coming back to him so fast it made him sick with grief.
The disappointment in his father's eyes when Junsu said he hadn’t passed his exam, his mother’s broken voice when she told him his brother had died, had died for him, and he hadn’t even noticed it until five days later. His teacher’s firm belief in him, trusting him to make it next year. But he had not even tried.
‘I’m so sorry about your brother… what happened?’
He hadn’t been able to say it, to no one, not even his parents. Hadn’t been able to say that his brother hadn’t died because of his stupid rebellious behavior, but because of him.
“Please make it stop,” Junsu cried into Yoochun’s vest, “please, please, p-please…”
“It’s ok,” Yoochun whispered, “it’s all in the past, it’s over now. I’m here.”
‘Thanks for trying Juno, but I got the pen right here, right in my bag… stupid of me huh? But you know, it wasn’t really lucky, just like your panda wasn’t lucky. But still, thanks for trying.’
‘Oh, that’s ok, it was only my life after all. Who cared about that? As long as the awesome Junsu still lives another day, locked up in his room like the failure he is, it’s fine by me!’
Junsu cried out as a stabbing pain of guilt hit him right in the chest.
“Ok that’s enough,” Yoochun spoke, his voice more worried than stern. “We’re leaving.”
He helped Junsu up onto his feet, and half hugged, half supported him while he guiding him outside. How long it took them to get past the gates wasn’t really clear to Junsu, but he did feel the pain in his chest growing slightly less with every step they took away from the grave.
---
Junsu hadn’t said a word all the way to the car, nor during the first half of the ride. He just stared out of the car window with red puffy eyes.
“You want to talk about it?” Yoochun asked when he could take the silence no longer.
“No,” the short reply came.
“Ok…” Yoochun stopped in front of a red light. “Why didn’t you wait for me?”
“Because you were late.”
The answer didn't really sound snappy, but rather tired. Though Yoochun wasn’t really sure whom Junsu was tired with. He sure as hell hoped it wasn’t him. “I’m sorry,” he spoke softly.
Junsu just shrugged, not even looking at him as he continued to stare out of the window.
“… are you angry with me?”
“No,” Junsu sighed, and this time he did sound annoyed, “can we maybe stop talking now?”
Yoochun felt like pouting as he turned his eyes back on the road. Junsu had never been angry with him before, or shown any negative feelings towards him for that matter. He knew that once they were back at the hospital it would take one full week before they even had the chance to meet again, if Junsu would still want to see him at all…
He took an unexpected sharp turn to the left he drove up a side road half-empty parking lot and parked his car, rather sloppy, but who gave a damn.
“What are you doing?” Junsu asked, confused, as Yoochun turned the engine off, the vehicle growing dark immediately.
“I refuse to drive on until you give me honest answers,” Yoochun simply stated, leaving the keys where they were.
“Oh come on,” Junsu said, irritated, “we’re already late, I’ll answer you while driving, ok? Now let’s go!”
“No.”
“What do you mean no?” Junsu said, for the first time looking Yoochun in the eyes. “I don’t have time for thi…”
“Ok, fine,” Yoochun interrupted. He opened the car door and walked outside, leaving the door open. Junsu just stared at him, while Yoochun leaned against the car next to theirs.
“What are you doing?” Junsu asked after a while, sounding sincerely confused.
“Showing you how serious I am. Either you answer me or you won’t be going back tonight.”
Junsu rolled his eyes. “Fine, what do you want to know?”
“Are you angry with me?”
“I already told you I wasn’t…”
“Why did you go there alone?”
“Because I didn’t feel like waiting, ok?” Junsu said, annoyed, “is this an interrogation or what?”
“Why were you cryi…”
“Ok, that’s it,” Junsu interrupted, and before Yoochun knew it he had jumped into the driver's seat, shutting the door behind him.
“Wait, what do you think you’re doing?” Yoochun asked as he knocked on the window. Not irritated, but rather amused. He was pretty sure Junsu couldn’t drive.
“If you won’t take me, I’ll just take myself,” Junsu yelled through the window and appeared more than convinced with himself he restarted the car, pressed the gas and, to Yoochun's shock, started driving it. Not neatly in his rear, but straight down the hill and into a tree.
A/N: *runs away to hide behind her desk, mentally prepairing herself for the reactions* Ok, this is sort of the all revealing chapter of the fic (well... not yet all, but the greater part of it) and I really hope I managed to portray the emotions well. I know I got touched but then again, it's my story, of course I feel for my characters -____-" If you think it's convincing enough, please tell me... if not... please be gentle o.o *scurries away from the scene*
A/N2: Just to make sure you guys don't flame me on the spot, no Junsu is not going to die nor will he be severely mutilated for the rest of his life, don't worry ;)