Birdshot update

[pozorvlak]

I've had another poke at Birdshot! The script can be found here (plain text, DOS format), and the version with extra bonus DVD playwright's commentary can be found here. Note new URLs: old links should still work, but might not forever. By the way, if you're thinking of making changes, the bare script is actually generated from the script-with-commentary, so it would make my life slightly easier if you make changes to that. But it's probably suboptimal for actual use. Anyway, here's the changelog:

* Changed names so that "script" and "script.txt" contain dehomaged versions. script.homage is now the master document.
* Firefight in railway station: also Gareth's "clouding men's minds" suggestion.
* Revealed that Taffy is actually a triple agent.
* Wrote beginning of lair scene.
* Removed big "rest of plot" blurb, to reflect fact that most of it has been written.
* Added Gareth's finger-clicking suggestion.
* Shoe gag from Get Smart.
* Added Gareth's "substance abuse" joke.
* Sundry minor patches.

I should perhaps point out that at least some of the ideas in this draft are not due to totherme :-)

And here are some things I'm unhappy about:

• The restaurant scene needs writing.
• There needs to be some decently-motivated reason for the heroes to find PV's lair.
• I like the idea of Taffy being a triple agent, but currently it's just shoehorned in: he needs to show his third identity in some more convincing way. Or possibly not. I don't think the level of silliness in that stage is high enough for gaping plot holes to be funny.
• In general, it's not funny enough. This is where you guys come in.
• J's ability to cloud men's minds needs to be foreshadowed, or preferably used before the final scene.
• Currently the Narrator isn't doing much. He should either be cut entirely or (preferably) given more lines.
• The opening scene in the café still needs writing. Someone suggested to me that we should start with the beginning of the lair scene, and then flashback to the opening, Pulp Fiction stylee: what do you think?
• There's no rooftop scene! It's simply ridiculous for a Forties pastiche not to have a rooftop chase scene.
• I quite like the idea of W and J not admitting to training PV until forced to do so, so it's a (not-entirely-unexpected) revelation that they created their own worst enemy. Then at the end they could say "Training a borderline psychopath with divided loyalties to fight our proxy wars for us? We'll never make that mistake again!
• The contemporary dance thing is in-jokey and lame. I think it's only Two Shades of Blue who have such a beef with the artform (and I quite liked the CD show I went to, really). The trouble is, I can't think of anything better for PV's doomsday device to do. I did have the thought of some sort of tectonic device, operated by a Rubik's cube with continents painted on ("Enjoying your warm weather, are we, Florida? Let's see how you like it [savage twist] in the Arctic Circle!). Then, at the end, PV could vow to reform, Hermione suggests that the cubes would make a good puzzle, and J suggests that calling it "Pozorvlak's cube" might not be a good idea as half the police forces in Europe are still looking for him.
• The scene with S (where the crew of light get their secret spy kit) is rubbish, and moreover unfinished. Should I cut it, or try to make it better?
• Out of 15 parts, 5 are female, and none of them have many lines. Given the number and talentedness of our actresses, this is Not Good Enough.
• In addition, there are two parts which call for lots of martial artsy stuff: PV and J. If all goes to plan, we should have at least three martial artists in the cast. This seems a waste.

Now, this script-writing party I'm unable to come to: do you think there's any way that the read-throughs could be webcast? Does antoniabaker have Skype? Does she have an Internet connection at home? Could people email me new ideas reasonably frequently?