epiphany- i bet i have SAD
i was always the one that wanted to confront matters and resolve a problem asap.
so why is this so hard for me?
oh wait, its cuz i feel like a huge d-bag/asshole combo.
its cuz im scared since i dont know what to expect form here on out.
its because im speechless. i dont know what to say.
i know what i should do, but how do i get on with it if im feeling so shitty about everything?
i was in a TERRIBLE mood last night. so pissed and sad.
i came back from work with nothing to look forward to.
i went out and had dinner alone at elmwood tacos & subs.
came back and tried to make myself feel better.
andrew could tell i wasnt happy and even tho there were so many people were over in his room he showed some effort to try and get me to laugh. it was appreciated.
i ended up crashing in his room with ciara. we chatted all night.
about nothing meaningful at all. just nonsense
today wasnt wonderful.
sorta blown off for brunch by some people.
the b6 lounge was TRASHED. our lounge is now closed until further notice. morgan and jiggs are FURIOUS. whoever did it stole all of jiggs and morgans food from the fridge. and not to mention the rest of bosch is crumbling. third floor was ripped apart and the elevator was vandalized. and we all are gonna suffer the wrath of b6 RAs.
i got a parking ticket. blah
went home and collected my bank statements/bills/things mom bought me.
went to wegmans and got gas. i hate money.
my room is a disaster. and EVERYTHING is unorganized.
and im constantly reminded of everything im doing wrong.
and how im being a lousy friend.
hate being reminded cuz i know i am. and im sorry for it.
its SO HARD to reach out and be there for a friend when inside things arent ok with me.
its personal.
i cant open up. its so tough to try and talk. or even mention whats on my mind. only because i dont believe anyone will understand. which is horse shit.
i was never like this. and im not sure what led me to become this way.
im afraid of being honest.
im afraid of hurting people.
and im afraid of letting people down.
i have a lot on my plate right now and im still trying to figure things out and get myself in order.
i always allow myself to believe that im ok and things are going great.
something happens that allows me to relapse and question the integrity of what im actually doing.
i want my own space and freedom.
i havent done anything exciting in a long time.
its hard to force myself to get out there and make plans or try and find something fun to do.
i like to sit around and listen to music. i like staying on campus and i like to drink.
thats about it.
ive been caught up with s bunch of little shit here and there since second semester started. always some hw assignment or reading. and application to fill out or forms i need to get taken care of. and im constantly working on something.
but id rather have it that way honestly.
im happier with the way things are school-wise this semester far more than the fall semester. i have less time now to waste.
i like being busy with the things i have on my agenda.
i like taking care of tasks. i feel accomplished.
i like being at school because i feel like im making something of myself.
and having these errands and things on my "to do" list make me feel like i have control.
work. hockey games are difficult to work for because they drag on forever. i miss the basketball games. and i hate buff state more than anything. i would be in absolute misery if i went there. the campus is dreary and depressing to me. blah.
at least the sun was out today which made it less annoying. a little bit anyways.
i feel like its the winter that gets me in these depressing and miserable moods.
it has to be.
im happiest when its nice out and the sun is out. and its warm
its a cycle. i start getting emotionally unstable when it gets colder and the days are getting shorter.
and i bounce back to my happier and stronger self when the sun is out and i can feel the warmth of spring going into summer.
thats it. its pattern. and i can see it so clearly. over the course of high school i felt the exact same way about this seasonal effect on my attitude and my mood.
im impatient when it comes to this mess-winter. as brand new would say "i need the smell of summer, i need its noises in my ears"
im itching for sunshine. and the snow to melt. just hate thats its still a ways away.
this is why i know ill be so such happier and so much more successful in warmer climates where the sun is out all the time.
i belong in california. im absolutely convinced that i could be a bigger and better person if i didnt have to deal with this seasonal affective disorder nonsense.
yeah, im diagnosing myself.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seasonal_affective_disorder
legit.
ps-i wanna see chelsea soon.
so why is this so hard for me?
oh wait, its cuz i feel like a huge d-bag/asshole combo.
its cuz im scared since i dont know what to expect form here on out.
its because im speechless. i dont know what to say.
i know what i should do, but how do i get on with it if im feeling so shitty about everything?
i was in a TERRIBLE mood last night. so pissed and sad.
i came back from work with nothing to look forward to.
i went out and had dinner alone at elmwood tacos & subs.
came back and tried to make myself feel better.
andrew could tell i wasnt happy and even tho there were so many people were over in his room he showed some effort to try and get me to laugh. it was appreciated.
i ended up crashing in his room with ciara. we chatted all night.
about nothing meaningful at all. just nonsense
today wasnt wonderful.
sorta blown off for brunch by some people.
the b6 lounge was TRASHED. our lounge is now closed until further notice. morgan and jiggs are FURIOUS. whoever did it stole all of jiggs and morgans food from the fridge. and not to mention the rest of bosch is crumbling. third floor was ripped apart and the elevator was vandalized. and we all are gonna suffer the wrath of b6 RAs.
i got a parking ticket. blah
went home and collected my bank statements/bills/things mom bought me.
went to wegmans and got gas. i hate money.
my room is a disaster. and EVERYTHING is unorganized.
and im constantly reminded of everything im doing wrong.
and how im being a lousy friend.
hate being reminded cuz i know i am. and im sorry for it.
its SO HARD to reach out and be there for a friend when inside things arent ok with me.
its personal.
i cant open up. its so tough to try and talk. or even mention whats on my mind. only because i dont believe anyone will understand. which is horse shit.
i was never like this. and im not sure what led me to become this way.
im afraid of being honest.
im afraid of hurting people.
and im afraid of letting people down.
i have a lot on my plate right now and im still trying to figure things out and get myself in order.
i always allow myself to believe that im ok and things are going great.
something happens that allows me to relapse and question the integrity of what im actually doing.
i want my own space and freedom.
i havent done anything exciting in a long time.
its hard to force myself to get out there and make plans or try and find something fun to do.
i like to sit around and listen to music. i like staying on campus and i like to drink.
thats about it.
ive been caught up with s bunch of little shit here and there since second semester started. always some hw assignment or reading. and application to fill out or forms i need to get taken care of. and im constantly working on something.
but id rather have it that way honestly.
im happier with the way things are school-wise this semester far more than the fall semester. i have less time now to waste.
i like being busy with the things i have on my agenda.
i like taking care of tasks. i feel accomplished.
i like being at school because i feel like im making something of myself.
and having these errands and things on my "to do" list make me feel like i have control.
work. hockey games are difficult to work for because they drag on forever. i miss the basketball games. and i hate buff state more than anything. i would be in absolute misery if i went there. the campus is dreary and depressing to me. blah.
at least the sun was out today which made it less annoying. a little bit anyways.
i feel like its the winter that gets me in these depressing and miserable moods.
it has to be.
im happiest when its nice out and the sun is out. and its warm
its a cycle. i start getting emotionally unstable when it gets colder and the days are getting shorter.
and i bounce back to my happier and stronger self when the sun is out and i can feel the warmth of spring going into summer.
thats it. its pattern. and i can see it so clearly. over the course of high school i felt the exact same way about this seasonal effect on my attitude and my mood.
im impatient when it comes to this mess-winter. as brand new would say "i need the smell of summer, i need its noises in my ears"
im itching for sunshine. and the snow to melt. just hate thats its still a ways away.
this is why i know ill be so such happier and so much more successful in warmer climates where the sun is out all the time.
i belong in california. im absolutely convinced that i could be a bigger and better person if i didnt have to deal with this seasonal affective disorder nonsense.
yeah, im diagnosing myself.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seasonal_affective_disorder
legit.
ps-i wanna see chelsea soon.