thank you, please drive though
So...today I'm very annoyed and very discontent and very...I don't know...pleased? Man, I know already this journal isn't going to make much sense.
This is the thing...
Today yet another one of my friends decided he wants absolutely nothing to do with me unless I'll be his girlfriend. This guy was super cool, really made me laugh, but now I'm more than pissed off. This happens to me all the time, and I don't know what it is that I'm doing to encourage this behavior in my friends. The all-or-nothing attitude is what really makes me mad. Mmm..and also, when this guy decided to confess his love for me, he says, "now, mel, don't freak out. I've gotta tell you something but just stay calm, it's okay." So I stayed calm, and reacted pretty well to what he had to say, and then HE freaks out cause I'm not willing to abandon my love for jonathan and run away with him instead, and decides "it's too painful" to just be friends with me. There was never any question that I'm hopelessly in love with jonathan, and no question that there's absolutely no way I'm gonna go for anyone else any time soon, but for some reason, this guy (and so many others) feel their lives cannot continue unless I am there as their little wife. It's infuriating. I'm very careful that I'm never flirty. I don't even smile much if I'm at all afraid that the guy might have a hidden agenda. But this still seems to happen all too often. So, that's how my day started out. With tears from me trying to understand how this keeps happening.
But then, my neighbor kids came over today, and the gingerbread fiasco took place. And those kids immediately made me feel better. They're really fantastic. They were giggly and starry-eyed just at the sight of all the candy and frosting. And we talked all about school, and toys, and what we got for christmas. One little girl asked me, "Did you get everything you put on your christmas list?" Well I didn't make a list, but I told her yeah, I got lots of good stuff (the only thing I really felt I was lacking was that there was no jonathan-shaped box under the tree). And then the girl told me that for some reason, santa forgot some of her stuff. She says she thinks maybe she didn't write clearly on her letter she sent. But she just smiled (she's got the most unbelievable dimples) and said there's always her birthday. I am always so amazed by kids, and how much everyone could learn from them. I've noticed at my work that every emotion is magnified in children...from happiness, to jealousy, to sadness, to hate...it's all there, but a zillion times stronger. I've seen compassion in children that I've never seen in any adult relationship. I've also seen hatred in extremes...like last week when two kindergarten girls got in a fight cause one had a prettier bead than the other, and didn't want to give it away...the girl without the prettiest bead yelled "I HATE YOU ALYSSA AND I'M NEVER TALKING TO YOU AGAIN CAUSE YOU HURT MY FEELINGS BY NOT SHARING!!!" How many of us can directly tell people what's bothering us when something goes wrong? It's just weird to me how much our grown-up lives have become jumbled with stuff that keeps us from really communicating, and really loving each other. Later that day I watched the same two girls fix each others hair and lay down together to take a nap holding hands. When did forgiveness become so much harder? Anyway, it's good that the kids came over today and put things back in perspective for me a little. I mean, these guys that are my friends until they really get it that I'm not gonna fall for them, and then decide to leave...well, I guess I don't want them around anyway. But it still does hurt to lose friends.
So that's where I'm at now. I'm not sure what the point of this journal is...but yeah...there it is.
This is the thing...
Today yet another one of my friends decided he wants absolutely nothing to do with me unless I'll be his girlfriend. This guy was super cool, really made me laugh, but now I'm more than pissed off. This happens to me all the time, and I don't know what it is that I'm doing to encourage this behavior in my friends. The all-or-nothing attitude is what really makes me mad. Mmm..and also, when this guy decided to confess his love for me, he says, "now, mel, don't freak out. I've gotta tell you something but just stay calm, it's okay." So I stayed calm, and reacted pretty well to what he had to say, and then HE freaks out cause I'm not willing to abandon my love for jonathan and run away with him instead, and decides "it's too painful" to just be friends with me. There was never any question that I'm hopelessly in love with jonathan, and no question that there's absolutely no way I'm gonna go for anyone else any time soon, but for some reason, this guy (and so many others) feel their lives cannot continue unless I am there as their little wife. It's infuriating. I'm very careful that I'm never flirty. I don't even smile much if I'm at all afraid that the guy might have a hidden agenda. But this still seems to happen all too often. So, that's how my day started out. With tears from me trying to understand how this keeps happening.
But then, my neighbor kids came over today, and the gingerbread fiasco took place. And those kids immediately made me feel better. They're really fantastic. They were giggly and starry-eyed just at the sight of all the candy and frosting. And we talked all about school, and toys, and what we got for christmas. One little girl asked me, "Did you get everything you put on your christmas list?" Well I didn't make a list, but I told her yeah, I got lots of good stuff (the only thing I really felt I was lacking was that there was no jonathan-shaped box under the tree). And then the girl told me that for some reason, santa forgot some of her stuff. She says she thinks maybe she didn't write clearly on her letter she sent. But she just smiled (she's got the most unbelievable dimples) and said there's always her birthday. I am always so amazed by kids, and how much everyone could learn from them. I've noticed at my work that every emotion is magnified in children...from happiness, to jealousy, to sadness, to hate...it's all there, but a zillion times stronger. I've seen compassion in children that I've never seen in any adult relationship. I've also seen hatred in extremes...like last week when two kindergarten girls got in a fight cause one had a prettier bead than the other, and didn't want to give it away...the girl without the prettiest bead yelled "I HATE YOU ALYSSA AND I'M NEVER TALKING TO YOU AGAIN CAUSE YOU HURT MY FEELINGS BY NOT SHARING!!!" How many of us can directly tell people what's bothering us when something goes wrong? It's just weird to me how much our grown-up lives have become jumbled with stuff that keeps us from really communicating, and really loving each other. Later that day I watched the same two girls fix each others hair and lay down together to take a nap holding hands. When did forgiveness become so much harder? Anyway, it's good that the kids came over today and put things back in perspective for me a little. I mean, these guys that are my friends until they really get it that I'm not gonna fall for them, and then decide to leave...well, I guess I don't want them around anyway. But it still does hurt to lose friends.
So that's where I'm at now. I'm not sure what the point of this journal is...but yeah...there it is.