My story (part one)
Over the last year I have done a lot of stupid things. Last September I was laid off an amazing job at a daycare I loved working at because enrollment was low. Because I didn't have a degree and was only a floater, I was automatically the weakest link. Even before then I was not in the best of places, I've always struggled with money because even working full time I haven't been able to meet all my expenses, especially when I still drove.
I couldn't see it at the time, but I took a lot of people for granted. Maybe I always have, but in many ways I have been spoiled. Ever since I got in a car wreck after I got my first car I struggled considerably, I never had much money to do the things my friend's wanted me to do, like go for ice cream or out to dinner. My best friend and several others would always tell me, "Well, you're going anyways. I'm paying for you, not because I feel obligated to, but because I want your company and if paying is the only way to get it, then that's what I'm doing."
As things got worse, I had less and less money to do things. Before I lost my job I was able to drive or pay for gas money and when my friend's stayed over they would pay for groceries for the lot of us. It wasn't even my idea, but a friend's. "I stay for the weekend, I help pay for groceries". But as things wore on, people wanted to do less in my house and go out more. Having no money, , without even realizing it "I'm sorry, I don't have the money to go" eventually turned in to "Okay, but someone is going to have to pay for me if we go."
As things got worse for me and several of my friend's slowly began thinking less and less of me, I was hurt when they thought I was taking advantage of them. Why would you suggest to do something when you know I can't do it? Why are you even here if it's not for me? Because, quite frankly, after so long it wasn't for me anymore. People I viewed as close friends were taking advantage of me in return in order to see someone else entirely who visited every weekend as well. But no one ever told me to my face that they didn't like me and they rarely asked her to see them on their own without me. I was a problem that people refused to confront as a problem.
I'm often very conflicted when I think of this, I wasn't the best of people, but they did things to hurt me in return. Mine was unintentional and maybe there's was as well, but I've grown because of it. I'm not the same person I was a year ago. Hell, I'm not the same person I was 6 months ago. While I still struggle now, I am in a better place than I was then. Slowly, I am learning from my mistakes and growing from it. Do I think back and find myself hurt? Of course I do, it's only human to. But I'm moving on.
And now because I have to finish getting ready for work, I'm stopping here. I'm not done yet, I have more to say, but in some way it's a different part of the same story, so this works. I'll write it when I get off or sometime tomorrow if I can find the balls to. I'm very reluctantly keeping comments on because I'm not looking for pity of any kind and it's the last thing I want. All I want right now is to tell things my way, because I need to for me. I don't care how other people view things at this point, but I've been holding on to all this far too long and it's time to let it out.
I couldn't see it at the time, but I took a lot of people for granted. Maybe I always have, but in many ways I have been spoiled. Ever since I got in a car wreck after I got my first car I struggled considerably, I never had much money to do the things my friend's wanted me to do, like go for ice cream or out to dinner. My best friend and several others would always tell me, "Well, you're going anyways. I'm paying for you, not because I feel obligated to, but because I want your company and if paying is the only way to get it, then that's what I'm doing."
As things got worse, I had less and less money to do things. Before I lost my job I was able to drive or pay for gas money and when my friend's stayed over they would pay for groceries for the lot of us. It wasn't even my idea, but a friend's. "I stay for the weekend, I help pay for groceries". But as things wore on, people wanted to do less in my house and go out more. Having no money, , without even realizing it "I'm sorry, I don't have the money to go" eventually turned in to "Okay, but someone is going to have to pay for me if we go."
As things got worse for me and several of my friend's slowly began thinking less and less of me, I was hurt when they thought I was taking advantage of them. Why would you suggest to do something when you know I can't do it? Why are you even here if it's not for me? Because, quite frankly, after so long it wasn't for me anymore. People I viewed as close friends were taking advantage of me in return in order to see someone else entirely who visited every weekend as well. But no one ever told me to my face that they didn't like me and they rarely asked her to see them on their own without me. I was a problem that people refused to confront as a problem.
I'm often very conflicted when I think of this, I wasn't the best of people, but they did things to hurt me in return. Mine was unintentional and maybe there's was as well, but I've grown because of it. I'm not the same person I was a year ago. Hell, I'm not the same person I was 6 months ago. While I still struggle now, I am in a better place than I was then. Slowly, I am learning from my mistakes and growing from it. Do I think back and find myself hurt? Of course I do, it's only human to. But I'm moving on.
And now because I have to finish getting ready for work, I'm stopping here. I'm not done yet, I have more to say, but in some way it's a different part of the same story, so this works. I'll write it when I get off or sometime tomorrow if I can find the balls to. I'm very reluctantly keeping comments on because I'm not looking for pity of any kind and it's the last thing I want. All I want right now is to tell things my way, because I need to for me. I don't care how other people view things at this point, but I've been holding on to all this far too long and it's time to let it out.