Mormon Rant
I actually did manage to have a nice, lucid conversation with the sister missionaries yesterday afternoon.
I was dreading the whole experience, because I feel I've fought hard for the sanity I can claim to have (I'm working on the naivety, a tendency towards moral judgementalism, and on being assertive). I'm conflicted about religious belief - caught by a fear that all that morally exclusive rhetoric is actually true, and in walking away from it I'm damning myself to an eternity of darkness. But I also believe that a religion that can't stand up to a little questioning and doubt is weak indeed, so I doubt.
Anyway, I bought them ice cream. Then we wandered over to where the bronze effigy of Herman B Wells is holding his hand out to the woods.
I told them about some of my sister's mission experiences and made idle conversation. Then Sister D. asked me how long it had been since I'd been to church.
"Oh, 5 years..."
"Wow. Did you leave because the people were annoying?"
(this leads to the "go for the message, not the people" lecture)
"Well, that was part of it, but I did have friends at church. No, I just got to the point where I was leaving church feeling spiritually drained and sometimes *angry*."
Sister W: "Oh, that's not good. That's the opposite of what you want."
Me: "Yeah, I really didn't know why it was either, I wasn't *trying* to have a bad experience."
Sister D: "What didn't you like about church?"
Me: "I don't like the role that women hold in the church..."
Sister D: "You mean like motherhood and being a wife?"
Me: "Yeah. Obviously I have some different goals in life."
Sister D: "The church has been changing its views about women lately."
(This is true)
Me: "I know. That's what my sister tells me. I'm glad to see it, because I don't think it has anything to do with God's plan."
(I know the Mormon lingo very well, btw)
Sister W then told me that she felt the same way, she wants to go to Utah State (go Aggies) and get a degree, and then think about Marriage and children. And all of her high school friends are married and pregnant. She's not older than 21.
Sister D told me that her mom got married when she was 19, and had a bunch of kids, and now that they're all grown she's started to recognize who she is as a person, and it's been causing marital stress. Not that her dad is a monster or anything, just that he's having to cope with some big changes. (funny how that happens when you realize you've married a person - I didn't say that out loud though.) Then she told me that the church president (aka the prophet) has said that women should get their education.
(So, apparently that was resolved.) :)
Sister D: "You said you had some doubts?"
Me:"Um...yes."
Sister D:"Is there anything we can do? Questions we can answer? Or do you just need to figure it out on your own?"
(I was FLOORED. They never let me off the hook that easy.)
Me: "Yeah, I had to take a step back from the church and address those doubts. And it's really not anything that has a definite answer."
Sister W: "That's really good that you know when you need to figure it out on your own. Sometimes people ask us for the answers, and it's not something we can answer."
Me: "It's a personal journey sometimes. Other people tend to confuse the issue."
Sister D: "Sometimes going to church can help you resolve things too. And reading the scriptures."
They both told me how they felt about reading the scriptures, and I got one of the good-mormon anecdotes (gag). I nodded on cue.
I told them that I hadn't shut the door on the church (meaning: I haven't done anything "bad" enough to get ex-communicated yet [no, beer and coffee don't get you thrown out, just chastised]). They gave me a copy of the Institute schedule (mormon classes). The only one offered when I can go is the marriage prep course. Shucks-darn!!! Oh, that's toooooo bad.
Then I "ran" to catch the bus.
Anyway. The weird thing is, I left feeling relatively unscathed. They aren't expecting me to show up to church on Sunday. I told them the big thing that keeps me away, and they were respectful of that.
I've come to realize that my empty seat is a pretty powerful message. The Mormon church pays BIG bucks to a PR consulting firm in Manhattan to know how to get every last soul into the fold. (Creepy, yes I know.) I eventually figured out that going to church and being grouchy was just hurting me. I was having a bad time, but they got their damned number. So I quit going. People asked me why. I told them.
I have my sundays free for knitting, reading, kayaking or homework, and the Church has to wonder why five articles about Information Architecture is FAR more appealing to me. If they find me and ask, I tell them. And I know I'm not the only punk-ass feminist who would rather do homework than sit in church and listen to some 21 year old "elder" tell her she shouldn't watch "inappropriate" movies. (true story)
So I'm confident that in about 50 years, the Mo's will be ready for us.
Maybe that consulting firm will tell the church what they've been telling all these pharmaceutical giants for the past ten years, that corporate transparency is the only way to survive in the age of information. Considering we're still working on EO laws, it'll be another 200 years before the church will be naked before us. And by then the global warming rapture will have swept us all away.
If that comes true....am I a prophet?
I was dreading the whole experience, because I feel I've fought hard for the sanity I can claim to have (I'm working on the naivety, a tendency towards moral judgementalism, and on being assertive). I'm conflicted about religious belief - caught by a fear that all that morally exclusive rhetoric is actually true, and in walking away from it I'm damning myself to an eternity of darkness. But I also believe that a religion that can't stand up to a little questioning and doubt is weak indeed, so I doubt.
Anyway, I bought them ice cream. Then we wandered over to where the bronze effigy of Herman B Wells is holding his hand out to the woods.
I told them about some of my sister's mission experiences and made idle conversation. Then Sister D. asked me how long it had been since I'd been to church.
"Oh, 5 years..."
"Wow. Did you leave because the people were annoying?"
(this leads to the "go for the message, not the people" lecture)
"Well, that was part of it, but I did have friends at church. No, I just got to the point where I was leaving church feeling spiritually drained and sometimes *angry*."
Sister W: "Oh, that's not good. That's the opposite of what you want."
Me: "Yeah, I really didn't know why it was either, I wasn't *trying* to have a bad experience."
Sister D: "What didn't you like about church?"
Me: "I don't like the role that women hold in the church..."
Sister D: "You mean like motherhood and being a wife?"
Me: "Yeah. Obviously I have some different goals in life."
Sister D: "The church has been changing its views about women lately."
(This is true)
Me: "I know. That's what my sister tells me. I'm glad to see it, because I don't think it has anything to do with God's plan."
(I know the Mormon lingo very well, btw)
Sister W then told me that she felt the same way, she wants to go to Utah State (go Aggies) and get a degree, and then think about Marriage and children. And all of her high school friends are married and pregnant. She's not older than 21.
Sister D told me that her mom got married when she was 19, and had a bunch of kids, and now that they're all grown she's started to recognize who she is as a person, and it's been causing marital stress. Not that her dad is a monster or anything, just that he's having to cope with some big changes. (funny how that happens when you realize you've married a person - I didn't say that out loud though.) Then she told me that the church president (aka the prophet) has said that women should get their education.
(So, apparently that was resolved.) :)
Sister D: "You said you had some doubts?"
Me:"Um...yes."
Sister D:"Is there anything we can do? Questions we can answer? Or do you just need to figure it out on your own?"
(I was FLOORED. They never let me off the hook that easy.)
Me: "Yeah, I had to take a step back from the church and address those doubts. And it's really not anything that has a definite answer."
Sister W: "That's really good that you know when you need to figure it out on your own. Sometimes people ask us for the answers, and it's not something we can answer."
Me: "It's a personal journey sometimes. Other people tend to confuse the issue."
Sister D: "Sometimes going to church can help you resolve things too. And reading the scriptures."
They both told me how they felt about reading the scriptures, and I got one of the good-mormon anecdotes (gag). I nodded on cue.
I told them that I hadn't shut the door on the church (meaning: I haven't done anything "bad" enough to get ex-communicated yet [no, beer and coffee don't get you thrown out, just chastised]). They gave me a copy of the Institute schedule (mormon classes). The only one offered when I can go is the marriage prep course. Shucks-darn!!! Oh, that's toooooo bad.
Then I "ran" to catch the bus.
Anyway. The weird thing is, I left feeling relatively unscathed. They aren't expecting me to show up to church on Sunday. I told them the big thing that keeps me away, and they were respectful of that.
I've come to realize that my empty seat is a pretty powerful message. The Mormon church pays BIG bucks to a PR consulting firm in Manhattan to know how to get every last soul into the fold. (Creepy, yes I know.) I eventually figured out that going to church and being grouchy was just hurting me. I was having a bad time, but they got their damned number. So I quit going. People asked me why. I told them.
I have my sundays free for knitting, reading, kayaking or homework, and the Church has to wonder why five articles about Information Architecture is FAR more appealing to me. If they find me and ask, I tell them. And I know I'm not the only punk-ass feminist who would rather do homework than sit in church and listen to some 21 year old "elder" tell her she shouldn't watch "inappropriate" movies. (true story)
So I'm confident that in about 50 years, the Mo's will be ready for us.
Maybe that consulting firm will tell the church what they've been telling all these pharmaceutical giants for the past ten years, that corporate transparency is the only way to survive in the age of information. Considering we're still working on EO laws, it'll be another 200 years before the church will be naked before us. And by then the global warming rapture will have swept us all away.
If that comes true....am I a prophet?