Head Full of Doubt, Road Full of Promise (7/8)
Title: Head Full of Doubt, Road Full of Promise (7/8)
Fandom: Glee
Pairings: Rachel/Quinn
Rating: NC-17.
Spoilers: Up through "Sectionals"
Word Count: 7,494
Description: Rachel's answer to Quinn's melancholia is to take her on a summer road trip with the gleeks.
Note: The characters are fake, but the places are real. All the attractions mentioned in this story are actual places, if you ever find yourself on a cross-country road trip.
Previous Parts:
[ Part 1] [ Part 2] [ Part 3] [ Part 4] [ Part 5] [ Part 6]
Quinn called around 10 p.m., so Finn and Rachel left the diner they were sitting in to pick them up. Quinn and Puck got into the backseat quietly. Quinn's eyes were red and it was obvious that she had been crying. Rachel resisted the urge to ask how it went. No one said a word on the drive back.
They all stayed in the same hotel room to save some money. Initially, Rachel had been afraid that this arrangement would result in bloodshed. As it turned out, she had nothing to worry about.
Quinn went straight to bed, or at least pretended to.
Puck listened to music on his iPod.
Finn just glowered silently.
Rachel sat on the bed with a book in her lap, staring at the words but not seeing them.
The four of them sat in that little room, pointedly avoiding eye contact or acknowledgment of one another as each stewed in their own private miseries. They were engulfed in silence, the air permeated with the tension of unspoken resentment.
Rachel thought that she would have preferred the bloodshed instead.
So ended their first night in Bakersfield.
***
The Baums allowed the teenagers to take the baby out for the day. They went to the Valley Plaza Mall, idly pushing the stroller through the open-air walkways, enjoying the good weather and focusing more on the baby than the stores.
"She's so adorable," Rachel cooed for the umpteenth time.
"Of course she is. What'd you expect?" Puck boasted. "She's got a hot mama and a fine stud for a dad. My little tyke's going to grow up to be a heartbreaker."
"Don't flatter yourself," Quinn said dryly. "We're lucky that the Fabray genes overpowered the Puckerman genes. I was afraid she'd come out spitting tobacco and cursing up a storm."
"Don't worry, she has plenty of time to become a bad ass." Puck leaned over and lifted the baby from the stroller, cradling her in his arms. "Too bad she can't learn it from her old man. We would've been an awesome team. Wouldn't we, kiddo?"
As Puck gazed wistfully into his child's eyes, the other three teenagers shifted awkwardly on their feet, not knowing what to say. Suddenly, Puck sniffed, then scrunched up his nose in disgust. He held the baby out at arm's length and turned his head away.
"Ew! I think Baby Badass just dropped a huge load."
"Noah! Don't hold her out like that! You're going to give her a complex." Rachel took the baby from him. She held the girl close to her, even though the baby did stink quite badly.
"What complex? She's not even a year old!"
"These are crucial moments in a child's psychological development! Your body language towards her will give her the social cues she will carry with her for the rest of her life," Rachel argued. "You need to hold her close and show her that she is loved, foul fecal odor and all."
"You're insane," Puck told her.
"Don't talk to her like that!" Finn snapped at him. Puck looked at him with bewilderment and a hint of irritation.
"What the hell, dude? What's got your balls in a twist?"
"Watch your language!" Quinn demanded. "And be nice to Finn."
"Are you kidding me? He started it!" Puck bellowed.
"Don't yell at Quinn," Rachel admonished him.
"Berry, stay out of it!"
"I said don't talk to her like that!" Finn yelled at Puck again.
"It's okay," Rachel said. "Noah didn't mean any harm."
"Stop defending him!" Finn retorted peevishly. "I can't believe you would just let him get away with it! What's wrong with you?"
"Okay, you don't talk to her like that," Quinn said pointedly to him.
"How about we all stop yelling? Let's all just calm down and take a deep breath," Rachel suggested. She shifted the baby from one arm to the other. "She still needs to be changed."
"There's a restroom back that way," Quinn said. She looked to Puck and Finn, who were still scowling at one another. "Try not to kill each other."
But as soon as Rachel and Quinn were out of sight, Puck spat out,
"Seriously, dude. What the hell?"
"Nevermind," Finn muttered even as he shot hateful looks at Puck.
"No, you've been acting like a dick all day." And they had been getting along so well too. If Puck was the sort of guy to admit that he had feelings, he might say that his was a little bruised. "What the fuck? We gonna talk about it or are you just going to keep on being a pussy?"
Now that was too much for Finn. He had held his tongue out of deference for Quinn and the baby. It hadn't seemed like the right time for a confrontation. But he'd be damned before he just stood there while Puck insulted him. He drew his fist back and decked his friend across the face. Puck staggered back. When he gained his bearings, his face was set rigidly with cold fury. As much as he liked having Finn as his best friend again, this was the third time that he's gotten smacked in the face on this trip and he was really sick of getting his ass kicked. Besides, while there was no question that he had deserved the first two ass-kickings, he had no idea what this one was even about. Puck resolved to get to the bottom of this mystery. But not before he tackled Finn to the ground. The boys twisted and wrestled as they flailed their fists about. More often than not, their punches missed each other. It wasn't a particularly manly fight. In the end, it's Finn who shoved Puck away.
"Cut it out! You're going to get us kicked out!" Finn panted as he unsteadily climbed to his feet. True enough, they were gathering the curious stares of passer-bys and store employees, some of whom seem poised to call security at any moment.
"You started it," Puck mumbled petulantly without much bite. He certainly wasn't afraid of mall cops, but he was afraid of incurring the girls' wrath.
Finn ignored him and went to sit by the edge of a fountain. Puck followed him, but didn't sit down. He stood before Finn, keeping a careful distance just in case the taller boy decided to attack him again. He folded his arms across his chest, staring down at his sulking friend and occasional enemy.
"So you gonna tell me what bug you've got up your ass or what?" Finn didn't reply right away. He thought that maybe he'd just ignore that mohawked douchebag, but in the end, his desire for a confrontation won out.
"Rachel," Finn forced out.
"Yeah, what about her?"
"You know what you did," Finn said scathingly. "It wasn't enough for you to go after Quinn? You had to have Rachel too?"
"Dude, that was months ago! And you were still with Quinn then!"
"I'm not talking about then!"
"Hey, asshole. What the fuck are you going on about?" Puck questioned irritably. "You're not making any sense."
"Rachel's in love with you!" Finn flared. "She told me!" Well, that was certainly news to Puck.
"Rachel? In love with me?" he asked incredulously. "Did she tell you that?"
"She said that we couldn't be together anymore because she'd fallen in love with somebody else," Finn said sorely. "Who else would it be?" Puck suddenly felt very indignant for getting punched in the face by Finn. Now he was getting beat up for things that he had nothing to do with.
"That's what you're pissed about?" Puck snorted mirthlessly. "You're an idiot. Rachel's not in love with me."
"Really." Finn's voice dripped with sarcasm. "Who then?"
"Look, man, I know that math isn't really your strong suit. But there's only four of us here. It's not you, and it's definitely not me," Puck said. "Figure it out, Einstein."
"Rachel isn't in love with herself," Finn said with exasperation. "Maybe she has a really big ego, but-"
"It's Quinn, you fucking moron!" came Puck's outburst. "She's in love with Quinn!"
"Quinn?" Finn pronounced uncertainly, like it was one of those vocabulary words that Mr. Schue assigned for Spanish class. Puck shrugged, and watched as Finn's face twisted through various stages of emotion as he attempted to digest this information. "That can't be true."
Sure, he knew that Quinn and Rachel had been spending a lot of time together this summer, even before the road trip, but he figured that it was only because Quinn had no one else to turn to and Rachel was Rachel. He thought that the two of them had an awkward, tenuous friendship out of necessity and mutual loneliness. Since Finn always refused to be anywhere Quinn was near, he never got to see the two girls interact, and his misconceptions went uncorrected. He never dreamed that the two of them could be actual friends, let alone anything more. Because, really, who would have thought? It was Quinn and Rachel. He thought that they had nothing in common besides himself and glee club.
"You've missed a lot." Puck cautiously sat down at the fountain's edge, a good five feet away from Finn. "Some shit happened. Things are different now."
"You're lying," Finn said stiffly.
"Call Santana if you don't believe me," Puck challenged. "Or Brittany or Mike or Artie. Call anyone who was with us. They'll tell you."
"So... everyone knew?" There was a hint of despondency in Finn's voice that Puck didn't quite pick up on.
"We guessed. The two of them were always sneaking off together to the bathroom like they thought no one would notice. We didn't ask. You know Quinn isn't exactly the out-and-proud type."
"Do you think..." Finn swallowed hard. "Do you think that they were sleeping together?"
"I sure as hell hope so," Puck chortled. His laughter died when he saw the pained expression on Finn's face. "What?"
"She was cheating on me," Finn said bitterly. While he had been hurt by Quinn and Puck's betrayal, he couldn't say that he had been terribly shocked. Rachel, on the other hand... he just never expected it from her. "Do I have a sign on my forehead that says 'Fuck Me Over'?"
"Since when were you and Rachel going out?"
"We had a date in Tulsa," Finn said. When Puck looked baffled, Finn gave him a quick explanation of the video date he'd had with Rachel.
"...And since then we've been talking on the phone a lot and doing stuff," Finn finished.
"Yeah, I know all about that stuff," Puck smirked. "But come on, man. Sex isn't dating. Especially phone sex. Did you ask her to be your girlfriend?"
"Well... no," said Finn hesitatingly. "But I assumed-"
"Did you ask her not to see other people?"
"No, but I thought that-"
"Did she ask you not to see other people?"
"No, but-"
"Did you tell her that you love her?"
"Of course not."
"Did she tell you that she loves you?"
"No, but she does," Finn answered. "We all know that."
"So let me get this straight. Because Rachel Berry was in love with you last year, you assumed that she'd still be in love with you. And you thought that the two of you would automatically be in a relationship because you had some fake date with her over the internet and some phone sex."
"It's Rachel," Finn said. "She wanted us to be together. She always has."
"Had. You're past tense, bro." Then he amended with a wince, "We're past tense."
"But..." Finn was having such a hard time comprehending all of this. Puck pitied him. But only a little.
"I'm not saying that it doesn't suck. It does. It really fucking sucks." Puck shrugged. "I'm just saying that maybe you dropped the ball on this one a little. You had your window. Now you don't."
Finn fell silent. Somehow, knowing that Rachel loved Quinn and not Puck made him feel worse. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he had thought that even if Rachel wanted Puck, it might only be a fleeting, physical thing. There was a good chance that she would still ultimately choose him over Puck, like Quinn did. But if Rachel loved Quinn - that was just an entirely different ballgame, one that he didn't understand at all.
"It's this stupid trip," Finn said miserably. "If I only came on this trip, maybe it'd be different." Puck nudged him to alert him to the presence of the approaching girls. Rachel was still fawning over the baby and, in turn, Quinn.
"Actually, dude," Puck said in a low voice. "I don't think either of us ever had much of a chance."
***
Dinner, like the night before, was an awkward affair.
Finn refused to make eye contact with any of them. When anyone spoke to him, he only grunted or, when forced to, answered with short phrases.
Rachel tried to make conversation, but no one was interested. She kept sneaking glances at Quinn out of the corner of her eyes. Every time she did, Finn stabbed at the meatloaf on his plate. His actions didn't escape Quinn's attention; paranoid and anxious, she tried not to pay too much attention to Rachel.
Puck chomped through his burger noisily and minded his own business.
So ended their second night in Bakersfield.
***
"So... sunglow gold or French beige?" asked Puck.
"I don't know," Quinn said frankly. She gazed at the paint canisters before her with anguish, as if this was the hardest choice she's ever had to make. It was their last day in Bakersfield, and the Baums invited them over to paint the baby's room. They had already painted the room before the baby's arrival, but this was a kind gesture. They would let Quinn decorate the walls of her baby's room. The Baums thought that it'd be better if their daughter grew up with something her birth mother left her. So Quinn, with Rachel's help, designed a simple mural - a red wavy strip of musical notes - for the wall. Now Finn and Rachel were drawing its outline in charcoal while Puck and Quinn picked out a color to paint the rest of the room with.
"Just pick one," Puck prompted.
"What if I make the wrong choice?"
"It's a color," Puck said impatiently. "You can't pick the wrong one."
"But what if she doesn't like it?" Quinn whispered. "It's the only thing she has to remember me by."
"It's not the only thing," Puck said. "You'll give her other presents and shit when you visit." Quinn gave him a look he couldn't decipher.
"I've decided." Her voice was quiet and calm. "I won't be coming back here. I can't tell you what to do, but I don't think you should either." This certainly came as a surprise to him. He momentarily struggled to comprehend this, but in the end, he decided just to ask.
"Why the hell not?"
"She deserves a normal life. She's not going to have that with her birth parents coming around three or four times a year. I don't want to force that on her."
"But..." Puck's face was contorted with confusion. "I thought you wanted a relationship with her."
"The Baums will tell her about us. When she's old enough, she can decide for herself if she wants a relationship with us. If and when she does, we'll come back. Until then, I think we should stay away and let her have a normal childhood. Or at least as normal a childhood as anyone can have," Quinn said evenly. "But I can't tell you what to do."
Puck thought this over. Finally, he nodded in assent. He wasn't terribly keen on the idea, but what Quinn said made sense to him. Then again, Puck was never very good at these kinds of decisions. If Quinn had said that she thought it was a good idea to dip the baby head-to-toe in chocolate and set her free into the wild, he'd probably go along with that too.
"Guess we didn't have to come out here after all."
"No, it was good for me to see her again, if only to say goodbye," Quinn replied. "And now I know we made the right choice giving her up. The two of us never could have raised her. She has good people who can love her and take care of her properly. I needed to see that for myself."
"Well, you know who you have to thank for that."
"Damn her and her meddling," Quinn chuckled, but there wasn't much joy in it. Puck didn't know how to broach this next subject, but he knew that he had to do it anyway.
"She's good to you," he told her. "You should be good to her." Quinn mulled this over carefully.
"I know that I can be brash," she conceded.
"That's not what I'm talking about. Honestly, I think she might like it when you're being a bitch." It was the only logical explanation Puck could come up with for Rachel Berry. "But don't string her along. She still thinks that the two of you are going to be together when you get back to Lima."
"We are not-"
"Quinn," Puck interrupted harshly. "I don't like to hit girls, especially not my baby mama. But if you deny this thing with Rachel one more time, I'm gonna beat you." Quinn didn't have a snappy comeback for that. Honestly, it was exhausting to keep denying it over and over again. But sometimes it seemed as if she couldn't help herself. It always came on like a knee-jerk reaction.
"Rachel deserves better than this," Puck continued. "If you don't want her, cut her loose."
"I never said that I didn't want her," Quinn answered in a small voice.
"Well, it's not like you're planning on keeping her around," Puck said cynically. Quinn didn't have a comeback for that either. "You know that she broke up with Finn for you?"
"No," Quinn replied quietly, a little stunned. "I didn't."
"You gotta talk to her."
Quinn nodded numbly. But there was still one more thing she needed to know.
"What made you think I wouldn't keep her around?"
"Because, Quinn Fabray, you're a big damn coward," Puck said. "And no one knows that better than me."
***
In the end, Quinn went with the French beige. They spent the rest of the day at the Baum house, alternating between painting and playing with the baby. The day went by much faster than it should have. Soon it was dark, then it was late, and they had to leave. In the morning, they were to drive back to Lima.
The goodbye was hard. Everyone cried, but that was to be expected. Puck and Finn excused themselves first, their macho-masculine sensibilities overwhelmed, and they went outside to wait in the car to avoid prolonging the messy emotional scene. Rachel went next so that she could give Quinn another few minutes with the baby. The Baums left Quinn in the living room, holding her daughter for what was to be the last time for a good, long time.
The goodbye was hard, but Quinn knew that it was right. She planted a gentle kiss on her child's head, then set her down in the crib that was being temporarily placed in the living room while the baby's freshly painted room was being aired out.
As she was on her way out of the house, she spotted the unused canister of sunglow gold. Inspiration seized her. She grabbed the canister and a small brush, and dashed back up the stairs to the baby's room. There, underneath the red musical notations, she added a gold star.
She couldn't really explain why she did it, but it just felt right.
***
"We should talk," Quinn said softly. It pleased her to see Rachel respond with a bright and guileless beam. It hurt her terribly to know that smile wouldn't be there for long.
The two of them left the hotel room for a walk down the street. It took a few minutes of silence for Quinn to work up the courage and strength to speak.
"So... we go home tomorrow," Quinn commented idly.
"Are you okay with that?" Rachel couldn't disguise her worried tone. Her concern made everything that much harder.
"We've been gone long enough," Quinn answered. "Rach, I want to thank you. This trip - traveling with everyone, being away from Lima, seeing the baby - all of it, it's helped me so much. I know that you had to drag me every step of the way, but I'm glad that you did."
And it's like someone told Rachel Berry that she'd won the lead in the Broadway revival of Funny Girl or something, because her face lit up with unrestrained joy. That grin might as well have been a plunged dagger in Quinn's heart. She could already feel the lump in her throat, the tears gathering behind her eyes.
"I want you to know that I don't regret anything," Quinn continued in a quivering voice. "I need you to know how much all of this meant to me. You, especially." And there it was. The edges of Rachel's smile faltered with uncertainty. Because while Rachel might be socially inept, she wasn't stupid.
"I know." There was caution in Rachel's voice. She knew what was coming. She knew and she didn't want to. This was an oncoming train but all she could do was stand there and watch and wait for the collision.
"You know that we can't carry on the way we've been," Quinn said. "We have to stop."
Rachel thought that because she had been expecting it, it should hurt less. She was very, very wrong about that.
"Why not?"
"You know why." Quinn could feel the tears falling, slowly trailing its way down her cheek. She didn't wipe it away. The simplest actions seemed impossible right now.
"It doesn't have to be that way."
Quinn didn't want to get into that debate. She didn't expect Rachel to understand it. For Rachel, love was the end-all be-all to any scenario. Love conquered all. Love shall overcome. Quinn knew better than that.
So instead, she just said, "Finn's a great guy. He would never do anything to hurt either of us. We shouldn't hurt him either."
"I think we're way past that now." Rachel knew that she had treated Finn appallingly. He had been stoic when she told him that they couldn't be together anymore, but she could tell that he was hurt. Her actions towards Finn had been regrettable, but it was too late to take it back. All she could do now was resolve to make it up to him in the future - as a friend.
"Finn loves you," Quinn said.
"Finn wants me." Rachel's voice was beginning to tremble. "There's a difference."
"And you want him." Quinn didn't have the right to sound dejected about that, but she did anyway. She couldn't help it.
"Yes," Rachel conceded. "But I don't love him."
"Give it time. He grows on you." Sometimes Quinn thought of Finn as a Chia Pet. In the beginning, he's a bit dull and just there, but with a little time, he could be kind of neat. "It shouldn't be a problem for you."
"What is that supposed to be mean?" Rachel wished that she didn't sound so defensive, but she didn't like what Quinn was implying. Yet for once, Quinn hadn't meant to insult. It just came out that way.
"It's just that... you're..." Quinn struggled for the least offensive way to say this. "It's easy for you to like people."
Quinn couldn't deny that it bothered her to see Rachel easily flit from Finn to Puck to Mr. Schue to whoever else was around that week. Rachel's affections were intense but mercurial. Quinn couldn't begrudge her the easy transference; she supposed that this was what most teenagers were supposed to be like. Quinn simply wasn't like that. Her repressive sense of propriety was etched so deep that she could really only be affectionate when her desires were so rare and strong that it defied all her attempts at suppression, like they were with Rachel. In the back of her mind, Quinn had the vague idea that even if this was painful for Rachel right now, the brunette would bounce back soon enough, just like she did from Finn and from Mr. Schue. Quinn never considered that she'd be any different.
"You make me sound like some sort of a harlot." Indignation seeped into Rachel's tone. "And you can't just let Finn have me. It doesn't work that way."
"This is the best thing for everyone," Quinn insisted. "With glee club winning competitions and Finn as the school quarterback, you'll be the new elites. No more slushies. No more name-calling. You won't be at the bottom of the social ladder anymore. It's what you've always wanted." Quinn did know Rachel's weaknesses, and she could see the flicker of hesitation in the brunette's eyes. But it was gone just as quickly as it came on.
"And what if none of that matters to me anymore?"
"Well, it matters to me."
"Quinn-"
"Rach, I can't. I'm sorry, but I can't." Quinn's voice was saturated with anguish. The tears streamed violently as she became utterly overwhelmed. It felt like nothing short of cutting out pieces of her heart. And she was doing it to herself. "Everything last year with Puck and Finn and the baby and the Cheerios and my parents- oh, god, my parents. I can't. I can't. I don't know how to take any more. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but I'm just not that strong."
In one short year, Quinn's life had been turned upside down. Her sophomore year had been filled with trials and tribulations that most people never encounter in a lifetime. The idea of having her junior year plagued with the scandal of coming out - with Rachel Berry as her girlfriend, no less - that wasn't an easy concept to swallow. On top of that, Quinn knew how people like her parents operated. To fall in love with someone of the same gender was worse than social ostracization, worse than premarital sex, worse than getting knocked up at sixteen and giving up the baby for adoption. And Quinn was surrounded by people like her parents. It was her entire community, it was her life, and it was all she's ever known.
Rachel was a girl weaned on The Princess Bride and Celine Dion songs. She might have understood Quinn's struggles on an intellectual level, but it stopped short of true empathy. Rachel was lucky that way. All she could offer was platitudes.
"You're stronger than you think, Quinn," Rachel said.
"It doesn't matter." Quinn wiped her eyes with the back of her hands. She was beginning to reign in her emotions. "What do you think is going to happen with us? We're in high school. How many happily-ever-afters do you get from that? How long do you think we'd last? Six months? A year? Until college? And then what? When we graduate, you'll go to New York and your parents will still love you. I'll have nothing. I'm sorry, but I'm not prepared to throw my entire life away for a high school romance."
"But you don't know that. You don't know any of that." Rachel was surprisingly calm, although it took every inch of her resolve to be that way. "You don't know what the future holds, Quinn."
Quinn had to acknowledge that was true. But then so was this:
"But, maybe," Quinn said. "Maybe I just don't think that you're worth the risk."
***
They were supposed to leave Bakersfield for Lima early in the morning, so Puck and Finn should have been in bed asleep hours ago. But they waited up because Rachel and Quinn hadn't returned yet.
It was 2 a.m. when the girls finally got back to the room.
There were no hellos, no greetings, not even a faint acknowledgment. They came in, got ready for bed in silence, and crawled underneath the covers - each sleeping as far away from the other as possible. The boys were too afraid to ask any questions, but they didn't really have to. Heartbreak was written all over the girls' faces.
So ended their third and last night in Bakersfield.
***
Bullhead City, AZ
"What happened last night?" Finn asked.
They had pulled off the highway to stop for lunch and gas. They no longer had any reason to stay out on the road, and since school was starting soon, they all agreed to head straight back to Lima with minimal stops. But with 2,300 miles in between them, it was still going to be a few days before they got back. The entire car ride that day had been spent in silence, and Finn thought that if he had to suffer through the awkward silence, he should at least get to know what was going on.
"You were right," Rachel answered simply. "It ended badly."
"Yeah, but when I said that, I was thinking more like Quinn would pull your hair out for all the lying and stuff," Finn said. "I didn't expect... you know, lesbian drama." Rachel felt a jolt of surprise, but only because she had never spoken frankly about this topic with Finn before.
"Neither did I."
"I'm sorry things turned out like this."
"Me too," Rachel said with a small, sad nod. "I'm sorry that I didn't tell you. I should have been honest with you from the beginning."
"Yeah, that was really uncool."
"I'm really sorry."
Finn shrugged. It hurt, and it was going to hurt for a while, but he could tell that the girls were in more pain than he was. If there was ever a time to put aside his own miseries for the sake of his friends, it was now.
"So, um... I guess you're pretty set on Quinn?"
"Pretty set."
"Are you sure?" he asked hesitantly, with just the slightest tinge of hope. "Because you were pretty into me last year, then Puck, then Mr. Schue. So maybe it's like one of those, um, fancy things."
"Passing fancy?"
"Yeah, that."
"No," she answered sadly. "No, I think this is different."
"Yeah," Finn breathed out in resignation. "I was afraid that you'd say that." Then he offered her a friendly grin. "It would've been easier to be in love with me though."
"Yes," Rachel agreed. "It would have."
***
Holbrook, AZ
They drove until none of them could stand to be in the car anymore, and they stopped to sleep at a roadside motel.
Quinn heard Rachel get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. She stayed in there for half an hour, and Quinn could hear faint sounds of muffled crying. Quinn dug her nails into her thighs so hard that it left marks for days thereafter. It gave her a deep sense of satisfaction whenever she looked at them.
She thought that it was punishment well deserved.
***
Amarillo, TX
The next night they ended up staying at the same motel they stayed at when they passed through last time. By sheer coincidence, it was the same room that Rachel and Quinn had before. Quinn stepped inside, took one look at the room (at the bed) and announced that she was going for a walk.
"Want company?" Puck offered.
"No, thank you," Quinn said politely. She left the room quickly and quietly; Rachel was thankful that she did.
"This place brings back memories," Puck said, looking a little green. He hasn't been able to look at a steak the same way since the night he spent here hugging the toilet bowl.
"What memories?" Finn asked. Puck let out a sheepish laugh, and proceeded to tell him about the great 72-oz steak challenge. When he was finished, Finn looked at him and scoffed, "I could do that with no problem."
"Prove it."
"I'm not going to do it by myself."
"Why not? You do it by yourself all the time," Puck smirked.
The boys carried on bickering. Ignoring them, Rachel lay in bed, listening to her iPod and staring up at the off-white ceiling, thinking of a time not too long ago.
"Can't... ever?"
Quinn bit the bottom of her lip, her brows furrowed in puzzled concentration.
"Can't... now," she said slowly. "I think."
***
Interstate 44
The sign read, Tulsa: 10 miles.
In the front passenger seat, Finn stiffened and heaved a heavy sigh. Technically, he has never been to Tulsa, but the place held bittersweet memories for him anyway.
Rachel leaned forward in her seat and touched her hand to his shoulder. Without turning around, Finn patted her hand reassuringly, as if saying, No, really, I'm okay.
Next to Rachel, Quinn exhaled forcefully through her nostrils, a petty, jealous snort she couldn't repress. Rachel sat back in her seat. Her eyes, wide as saucer and softly cutting, regarded Quinn with intermingled guilt and blame and resentment and affection. Quinn glanced at Rachel out of the corner of her eyes before quickly turning away in shame. That one little moment was more than enough though. She could already feel her eyes moistening as the heavy burden of guilt weighed down on her until it was literally difficult to breathe.
"Oh, god. Will you two cut that out?" Puck barked from the driver's seat. "You guys are killing me here with that shit."
***
Rolla, MO
It was their last night out on the road. Tomorrow, they would be back in Lima. Back to their lives. Back to normal, if you could call it that.
Puck didn't think that it was possible for things to get any more awkward, but he was wrong. He did his best to ignore the situation by putting on his headphones and blasting Guns n' Roses, but even Slash's shredding couldn't cut through the stiflingly thick tension that hung in the air. Not even the swimsuit models in the Sports Illustrated he was leafing through could distract him from the obviously overwhelming pressure. Finn, playing a game on his PSP, was not immune either; he kept fidgeting in his seat and nervously looking up at the girls every two minutes, like he was just waiting for the dam to break.
Rachel was on the bed, leaning against the headboard and reading a book. Quinn was sitting on the edge of the bed, far from Rachel, watching TV. Every so often, Rachel looked up from her book to cast a lingering gaze at the blonde. When Quinn felt the focus upon her, she instinctively turned to look; then Rachel would quickly avert her eyes and train her attention back to the book that she wasn't reading anyway. Then it would be Quinn's turn to stare with forlorn longing, until Rachel buckled under the pressure of intensity and lifted her eyes to Quinn. Their eyes would meet very briefly before Quinn forced herself to turn away. They could go back and forth like this all night.
Puck violently threw his magazine down on the floor.
"That's it!" he declared as he sprang to his feet. "I gotta get out of here." Everyone was looking at him now.
"What's up?" Finn asked.
"You guys are-" Puck stopped himself. For once in his life, he decided to employ some tact. It didn't seem like it would make things less awkward by pointing out how awkward everything was. "I'm hungry," he said instead. "I'm going to go grab a burger. Finn, let's go."
"I'm not really hungry," Finn answered. "I mean, we just ate-"
"Dude," Puck interrupted. "Get off your ass. We're going." Puck gave his best friend a hard, meaningful stare, quickly glanced towards the girls, then back at Finn again. Finn finally caught on. He nodded, getting up from his chair and grabbing his jacket.
"Yeah, I could really go for a milkshake."
"We'll probably be a few hours. We'll call you guys before we come back," Puck told the girls. "You know, just to see if you guys want anything."
"I'd appreciate it," said Quinn quietly.
Finn paused by the door on his way out, glancing down at the PSP he held in his hand.
"Wait, I'm low on batteries. I just need to charge it first-"
Puck seized the taller boy by his shoulder, yanked the door open and roughly shoved him out. He gave the girls a short wave, then tumbled out himself, closing the door behind him. Then finally, Rachel and Quinn were alone. But neither knew what to say or do. There was so much that needed to be say, and much more that couldn't be said. Quinn inhaled shakily.
"We should talk," she said. "We can't go back to Lima like this. We need to be able to get along, for the sake of glee - and our friends."
Rachel could only nod numbly, the motion so slight that it was almost imperceptible. Quinn stood, made her way to Rachel's side of the bed and sat down next to her, close but not intimately so.
"Okay," Quinn said. "Let's talk."
Rachel nodded again. She started to speak, but then she looked into Quinn's eyes and then she could think of nothing but lips and hands. When it had been just the two of them traveling together, they touched incessantly; friendly during the day and passionate during the night. The frequency and urgency of their couplings would have put Viagara-ingesting rabbits to shame. Then, once Puck and Finn showed up, there was nothing, not even the slightest touch. The drought was unbearable, but it wasn't as if Rachel had many opportunities (or any, really) to address the issue - until now. Now she had Quinn to herself again. As that realization hit her, so did a warm wave of desire, spreading through the cells of her body, slow and ever-expanding.
She quickly scooted forward, grabbed the back of Quinn's head with both hands and pulled the blonde in for a searing kiss. For Quinn, it was like a contact high. The instant that their lips touched, an electrifying surge coursed through her, igniting every inch of her skin with yearning heat. Her reaction came so naturally that it was almost unconscious. She wrapped an arm around Rachel's waist while the other hand reached up to cup her face. As their tongues met, Quinn moaned into Rachel's mouth; aroused, Rachel quickly moved on top, straddling Quinn's hips while simultaneously pushing her down against the mattress. Her hands pushed up Quinn's shirt, eagerly exploring the flesh underneath. In the back of her mind - the part yet to be completely overtaken by lust - Rachel marveled at the fact how it was possible for her to have missed this so badly when it had really only been a few days since they've been like this.
"Wait," Quinn suddenly muttered. She put her hands against Rachel's shoulders and gently pushed the smaller girl away, albeit with pained reluctance. She was panting hard, breathless from kissing. "Wait, we have to talk."
"I don't want to talk," Rachel answered petulantly.
Quinn stared. Then responded. Her hands, still resting on Rachel's shoulders, tightened and gripped onto Rachel's shirt. She forcefully pulled the girl back down, bringing their lips together once more. They did need to have a conversation, but Quinn figured that Rachel Berry not wanting to talk might be a sign of the impending Apocalypse, and if the world was about to end, she might as well die ecstatically with a Rachel Berry-induced orgasm.
She kissed Rachel, fervently and desperately, knowing that this will be the last time she gets to do so. Rachel had similar ideas. She kissed Quinn hard, like she was trying to bruise the girl. She dragged her nails sharply against Quinn's skin, like she was trying to find her way underneath. In a sense, she was. She wanted Quinn to always, always remember this.
As they kissed, Rachel gripped the edge of Quinn's shirt; she momentarily broke away to yank it up and discard it. Quinn eagerly returned the favor, and like this, the two of them clumsily and impatiently peeled off each other's shirts and skirts until they were clad in only their underwear. Rachel slipped Quinn's brastrap off her shoulders, her hands moving smoothly from Quinn's shoulder blades down along her torso until they were cupping her breasts. Rachel massaged gently, then kissed and sucked her way down Quinn's neck and body until her mouth moved over soft swells, taking a hard nipple against her tongue. Quinn threaded her fingers through Rachel's hair, her hands cupping the sides of Rachel's face, half-wanting to control the brunette's movements, half-wanting to just let Rachel go wild. Needing to feel as much of Rachel as possible, Quinn unclasped Rachel's bra, flinging the article aside. She tugged Rachel back up for another kiss as their bodies rubbed together, breasts against breasts, hips against hips.
Craving more, Rachel's hand roamed south, finding its way to damp panties. Her fingers kneaded against that dampness, finding and feeling that stiff nub through the wet cloth. Quinn emitted a groan against Rachel's mouth that was by now all too familiar to her ears. It was the kind of rewarding plea that made Rachel lose any and all semblance of self-control. She quickly took a hold of the waistband and pulled off Quinn's panties. She touched her fingers to the clit, rubbing vigorously as the blonde girl beneath her wormed in pleasurable agony. Rachel pulled back to look at Quinn, who had her eyes closed tight.
"Look at me," Rachel commanded. Quinn did.
Rachel's eyes were intensely affixed to Quinn's as she pushed her fingers deep inside slick wetness. She picked up on a steady, heavy rhythm; she probed deeply, and with each stroke she struck that sweet spot that made Quinn wince and writhe in a really good way.
"Tell me," Rachel's voice trembled as she spoke. "Tell me that you won't miss this. Tell me that you can go the rest of your life without feeling this again." But Quinn could only whimper. Rachel pulled her fingers out, then thrust them in again. Quinn inhaled sharply at the sensation.
"Tell me," Rachel demanded. "Tell me that you don't want me. Tell me that you don't need me." Quinn's eyes welled with tears. She opened her mouth to speak, but only a strangled cry escaped.
"You can't do it, can you?" Rachel twisted her fingers against Quinn's inner walls. "You can't do it because you love me. You love me." Quinn shook her head fervently. "And I love you."
And to show her how much, Rachel pulled her fingers out and scrambled down, quickly seeking out Quinn's center with her mouth. She dove in hungrily. Her tongue swirled and her lips sucked with even more enthusiasm than usual. She needed Quinn to feel this. She needed Quinn to understand what she was giving up. She needed to make this one count.
As her tongue unabashedly worked against Quinn's heat, Rachel reached up and sought out Quinn's hand. Their fingers intertwined together, Quinn held on tightly as her body started to quiver, then buckle, until she came with a piercing cry. As she settled, Rachel crawled back up, capturing Quinn's mouth in her own, heated and ardent. Not one to be selfish in moments like these, Quinn pushed her down past the elastics of Rachel's waistbands, her fingers burying into Rachel's core. Rachel moaned and rocked her hips against Quinn's hand. It didn't take long before pleasure seized her body, and she shook violently as the sensuous waves mercilessly wrecked her again and again.
When the last rippled ebbed, Rachel collapsed as a heap, helplessly curled against her lover. Quinn's arms enveloped her, and the two of them held each other as the sweat on their skin cooled and their hearts slowed. It might have been minutes, it might have hours, but however long it was, it was still too short. When Quinn started to stir, Rachel clung on even tighter.
"No. Please," she begged humbly, without pride or pretenses. "Stay with me. Please don't go. Just stay. Please just stay."
But this time, Quinn said, in a faint voice twisted and torn with misery,
"I'm sorry. I can't. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry."
Next Part
Fandom: Glee
Pairings: Rachel/Quinn
Rating: NC-17.
Spoilers: Up through "Sectionals"
Word Count: 7,494
Description: Rachel's answer to Quinn's melancholia is to take her on a summer road trip with the gleeks.
Note: The characters are fake, but the places are real. All the attractions mentioned in this story are actual places, if you ever find yourself on a cross-country road trip.
Previous Parts:
[ Part 1] [ Part 2] [ Part 3] [ Part 4] [ Part 5] [ Part 6]
Quinn called around 10 p.m., so Finn and Rachel left the diner they were sitting in to pick them up. Quinn and Puck got into the backseat quietly. Quinn's eyes were red and it was obvious that she had been crying. Rachel resisted the urge to ask how it went. No one said a word on the drive back.
They all stayed in the same hotel room to save some money. Initially, Rachel had been afraid that this arrangement would result in bloodshed. As it turned out, she had nothing to worry about.
Quinn went straight to bed, or at least pretended to.
Puck listened to music on his iPod.
Finn just glowered silently.
Rachel sat on the bed with a book in her lap, staring at the words but not seeing them.
The four of them sat in that little room, pointedly avoiding eye contact or acknowledgment of one another as each stewed in their own private miseries. They were engulfed in silence, the air permeated with the tension of unspoken resentment.
Rachel thought that she would have preferred the bloodshed instead.
So ended their first night in Bakersfield.
***
The Baums allowed the teenagers to take the baby out for the day. They went to the Valley Plaza Mall, idly pushing the stroller through the open-air walkways, enjoying the good weather and focusing more on the baby than the stores.
"She's so adorable," Rachel cooed for the umpteenth time.
"Of course she is. What'd you expect?" Puck boasted. "She's got a hot mama and a fine stud for a dad. My little tyke's going to grow up to be a heartbreaker."
"Don't flatter yourself," Quinn said dryly. "We're lucky that the Fabray genes overpowered the Puckerman genes. I was afraid she'd come out spitting tobacco and cursing up a storm."
"Don't worry, she has plenty of time to become a bad ass." Puck leaned over and lifted the baby from the stroller, cradling her in his arms. "Too bad she can't learn it from her old man. We would've been an awesome team. Wouldn't we, kiddo?"
As Puck gazed wistfully into his child's eyes, the other three teenagers shifted awkwardly on their feet, not knowing what to say. Suddenly, Puck sniffed, then scrunched up his nose in disgust. He held the baby out at arm's length and turned his head away.
"Ew! I think Baby Badass just dropped a huge load."
"Noah! Don't hold her out like that! You're going to give her a complex." Rachel took the baby from him. She held the girl close to her, even though the baby did stink quite badly.
"What complex? She's not even a year old!"
"These are crucial moments in a child's psychological development! Your body language towards her will give her the social cues she will carry with her for the rest of her life," Rachel argued. "You need to hold her close and show her that she is loved, foul fecal odor and all."
"You're insane," Puck told her.
"Don't talk to her like that!" Finn snapped at him. Puck looked at him with bewilderment and a hint of irritation.
"What the hell, dude? What's got your balls in a twist?"
"Watch your language!" Quinn demanded. "And be nice to Finn."
"Are you kidding me? He started it!" Puck bellowed.
"Don't yell at Quinn," Rachel admonished him.
"Berry, stay out of it!"
"I said don't talk to her like that!" Finn yelled at Puck again.
"It's okay," Rachel said. "Noah didn't mean any harm."
"Stop defending him!" Finn retorted peevishly. "I can't believe you would just let him get away with it! What's wrong with you?"
"Okay, you don't talk to her like that," Quinn said pointedly to him.
"How about we all stop yelling? Let's all just calm down and take a deep breath," Rachel suggested. She shifted the baby from one arm to the other. "She still needs to be changed."
"There's a restroom back that way," Quinn said. She looked to Puck and Finn, who were still scowling at one another. "Try not to kill each other."
But as soon as Rachel and Quinn were out of sight, Puck spat out,
"Seriously, dude. What the hell?"
"Nevermind," Finn muttered even as he shot hateful looks at Puck.
"No, you've been acting like a dick all day." And they had been getting along so well too. If Puck was the sort of guy to admit that he had feelings, he might say that his was a little bruised. "What the fuck? We gonna talk about it or are you just going to keep on being a pussy?"
Now that was too much for Finn. He had held his tongue out of deference for Quinn and the baby. It hadn't seemed like the right time for a confrontation. But he'd be damned before he just stood there while Puck insulted him. He drew his fist back and decked his friend across the face. Puck staggered back. When he gained his bearings, his face was set rigidly with cold fury. As much as he liked having Finn as his best friend again, this was the third time that he's gotten smacked in the face on this trip and he was really sick of getting his ass kicked. Besides, while there was no question that he had deserved the first two ass-kickings, he had no idea what this one was even about. Puck resolved to get to the bottom of this mystery. But not before he tackled Finn to the ground. The boys twisted and wrestled as they flailed their fists about. More often than not, their punches missed each other. It wasn't a particularly manly fight. In the end, it's Finn who shoved Puck away.
"Cut it out! You're going to get us kicked out!" Finn panted as he unsteadily climbed to his feet. True enough, they were gathering the curious stares of passer-bys and store employees, some of whom seem poised to call security at any moment.
"You started it," Puck mumbled petulantly without much bite. He certainly wasn't afraid of mall cops, but he was afraid of incurring the girls' wrath.
Finn ignored him and went to sit by the edge of a fountain. Puck followed him, but didn't sit down. He stood before Finn, keeping a careful distance just in case the taller boy decided to attack him again. He folded his arms across his chest, staring down at his sulking friend and occasional enemy.
"So you gonna tell me what bug you've got up your ass or what?" Finn didn't reply right away. He thought that maybe he'd just ignore that mohawked douchebag, but in the end, his desire for a confrontation won out.
"Rachel," Finn forced out.
"Yeah, what about her?"
"You know what you did," Finn said scathingly. "It wasn't enough for you to go after Quinn? You had to have Rachel too?"
"Dude, that was months ago! And you were still with Quinn then!"
"I'm not talking about then!"
"Hey, asshole. What the fuck are you going on about?" Puck questioned irritably. "You're not making any sense."
"Rachel's in love with you!" Finn flared. "She told me!" Well, that was certainly news to Puck.
"Rachel? In love with me?" he asked incredulously. "Did she tell you that?"
"She said that we couldn't be together anymore because she'd fallen in love with somebody else," Finn said sorely. "Who else would it be?" Puck suddenly felt very indignant for getting punched in the face by Finn. Now he was getting beat up for things that he had nothing to do with.
"That's what you're pissed about?" Puck snorted mirthlessly. "You're an idiot. Rachel's not in love with me."
"Really." Finn's voice dripped with sarcasm. "Who then?"
"Look, man, I know that math isn't really your strong suit. But there's only four of us here. It's not you, and it's definitely not me," Puck said. "Figure it out, Einstein."
"Rachel isn't in love with herself," Finn said with exasperation. "Maybe she has a really big ego, but-"
"It's Quinn, you fucking moron!" came Puck's outburst. "She's in love with Quinn!"
"Quinn?" Finn pronounced uncertainly, like it was one of those vocabulary words that Mr. Schue assigned for Spanish class. Puck shrugged, and watched as Finn's face twisted through various stages of emotion as he attempted to digest this information. "That can't be true."
Sure, he knew that Quinn and Rachel had been spending a lot of time together this summer, even before the road trip, but he figured that it was only because Quinn had no one else to turn to and Rachel was Rachel. He thought that the two of them had an awkward, tenuous friendship out of necessity and mutual loneliness. Since Finn always refused to be anywhere Quinn was near, he never got to see the two girls interact, and his misconceptions went uncorrected. He never dreamed that the two of them could be actual friends, let alone anything more. Because, really, who would have thought? It was Quinn and Rachel. He thought that they had nothing in common besides himself and glee club.
"You've missed a lot." Puck cautiously sat down at the fountain's edge, a good five feet away from Finn. "Some shit happened. Things are different now."
"You're lying," Finn said stiffly.
"Call Santana if you don't believe me," Puck challenged. "Or Brittany or Mike or Artie. Call anyone who was with us. They'll tell you."
"So... everyone knew?" There was a hint of despondency in Finn's voice that Puck didn't quite pick up on.
"We guessed. The two of them were always sneaking off together to the bathroom like they thought no one would notice. We didn't ask. You know Quinn isn't exactly the out-and-proud type."
"Do you think..." Finn swallowed hard. "Do you think that they were sleeping together?"
"I sure as hell hope so," Puck chortled. His laughter died when he saw the pained expression on Finn's face. "What?"
"She was cheating on me," Finn said bitterly. While he had been hurt by Quinn and Puck's betrayal, he couldn't say that he had been terribly shocked. Rachel, on the other hand... he just never expected it from her. "Do I have a sign on my forehead that says 'Fuck Me Over'?"
"Since when were you and Rachel going out?"
"We had a date in Tulsa," Finn said. When Puck looked baffled, Finn gave him a quick explanation of the video date he'd had with Rachel.
"...And since then we've been talking on the phone a lot and doing stuff," Finn finished.
"Yeah, I know all about that stuff," Puck smirked. "But come on, man. Sex isn't dating. Especially phone sex. Did you ask her to be your girlfriend?"
"Well... no," said Finn hesitatingly. "But I assumed-"
"Did you ask her not to see other people?"
"No, but I thought that-"
"Did she ask you not to see other people?"
"No, but-"
"Did you tell her that you love her?"
"Of course not."
"Did she tell you that she loves you?"
"No, but she does," Finn answered. "We all know that."
"So let me get this straight. Because Rachel Berry was in love with you last year, you assumed that she'd still be in love with you. And you thought that the two of you would automatically be in a relationship because you had some fake date with her over the internet and some phone sex."
"It's Rachel," Finn said. "She wanted us to be together. She always has."
"Had. You're past tense, bro." Then he amended with a wince, "We're past tense."
"But..." Finn was having such a hard time comprehending all of this. Puck pitied him. But only a little.
"I'm not saying that it doesn't suck. It does. It really fucking sucks." Puck shrugged. "I'm just saying that maybe you dropped the ball on this one a little. You had your window. Now you don't."
Finn fell silent. Somehow, knowing that Rachel loved Quinn and not Puck made him feel worse. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he had thought that even if Rachel wanted Puck, it might only be a fleeting, physical thing. There was a good chance that she would still ultimately choose him over Puck, like Quinn did. But if Rachel loved Quinn - that was just an entirely different ballgame, one that he didn't understand at all.
"It's this stupid trip," Finn said miserably. "If I only came on this trip, maybe it'd be different." Puck nudged him to alert him to the presence of the approaching girls. Rachel was still fawning over the baby and, in turn, Quinn.
"Actually, dude," Puck said in a low voice. "I don't think either of us ever had much of a chance."
***
Dinner, like the night before, was an awkward affair.
Finn refused to make eye contact with any of them. When anyone spoke to him, he only grunted or, when forced to, answered with short phrases.
Rachel tried to make conversation, but no one was interested. She kept sneaking glances at Quinn out of the corner of her eyes. Every time she did, Finn stabbed at the meatloaf on his plate. His actions didn't escape Quinn's attention; paranoid and anxious, she tried not to pay too much attention to Rachel.
Puck chomped through his burger noisily and minded his own business.
So ended their second night in Bakersfield.
***
"So... sunglow gold or French beige?" asked Puck.
"I don't know," Quinn said frankly. She gazed at the paint canisters before her with anguish, as if this was the hardest choice she's ever had to make. It was their last day in Bakersfield, and the Baums invited them over to paint the baby's room. They had already painted the room before the baby's arrival, but this was a kind gesture. They would let Quinn decorate the walls of her baby's room. The Baums thought that it'd be better if their daughter grew up with something her birth mother left her. So Quinn, with Rachel's help, designed a simple mural - a red wavy strip of musical notes - for the wall. Now Finn and Rachel were drawing its outline in charcoal while Puck and Quinn picked out a color to paint the rest of the room with.
"Just pick one," Puck prompted.
"What if I make the wrong choice?"
"It's a color," Puck said impatiently. "You can't pick the wrong one."
"But what if she doesn't like it?" Quinn whispered. "It's the only thing she has to remember me by."
"It's not the only thing," Puck said. "You'll give her other presents and shit when you visit." Quinn gave him a look he couldn't decipher.
"I've decided." Her voice was quiet and calm. "I won't be coming back here. I can't tell you what to do, but I don't think you should either." This certainly came as a surprise to him. He momentarily struggled to comprehend this, but in the end, he decided just to ask.
"Why the hell not?"
"She deserves a normal life. She's not going to have that with her birth parents coming around three or four times a year. I don't want to force that on her."
"But..." Puck's face was contorted with confusion. "I thought you wanted a relationship with her."
"The Baums will tell her about us. When she's old enough, she can decide for herself if she wants a relationship with us. If and when she does, we'll come back. Until then, I think we should stay away and let her have a normal childhood. Or at least as normal a childhood as anyone can have," Quinn said evenly. "But I can't tell you what to do."
Puck thought this over. Finally, he nodded in assent. He wasn't terribly keen on the idea, but what Quinn said made sense to him. Then again, Puck was never very good at these kinds of decisions. If Quinn had said that she thought it was a good idea to dip the baby head-to-toe in chocolate and set her free into the wild, he'd probably go along with that too.
"Guess we didn't have to come out here after all."
"No, it was good for me to see her again, if only to say goodbye," Quinn replied. "And now I know we made the right choice giving her up. The two of us never could have raised her. She has good people who can love her and take care of her properly. I needed to see that for myself."
"Well, you know who you have to thank for that."
"Damn her and her meddling," Quinn chuckled, but there wasn't much joy in it. Puck didn't know how to broach this next subject, but he knew that he had to do it anyway.
"She's good to you," he told her. "You should be good to her." Quinn mulled this over carefully.
"I know that I can be brash," she conceded.
"That's not what I'm talking about. Honestly, I think she might like it when you're being a bitch." It was the only logical explanation Puck could come up with for Rachel Berry. "But don't string her along. She still thinks that the two of you are going to be together when you get back to Lima."
"We are not-"
"Quinn," Puck interrupted harshly. "I don't like to hit girls, especially not my baby mama. But if you deny this thing with Rachel one more time, I'm gonna beat you." Quinn didn't have a snappy comeback for that. Honestly, it was exhausting to keep denying it over and over again. But sometimes it seemed as if she couldn't help herself. It always came on like a knee-jerk reaction.
"Rachel deserves better than this," Puck continued. "If you don't want her, cut her loose."
"I never said that I didn't want her," Quinn answered in a small voice.
"Well, it's not like you're planning on keeping her around," Puck said cynically. Quinn didn't have a comeback for that either. "You know that she broke up with Finn for you?"
"No," Quinn replied quietly, a little stunned. "I didn't."
"You gotta talk to her."
Quinn nodded numbly. But there was still one more thing she needed to know.
"What made you think I wouldn't keep her around?"
"Because, Quinn Fabray, you're a big damn coward," Puck said. "And no one knows that better than me."
***
In the end, Quinn went with the French beige. They spent the rest of the day at the Baum house, alternating between painting and playing with the baby. The day went by much faster than it should have. Soon it was dark, then it was late, and they had to leave. In the morning, they were to drive back to Lima.
The goodbye was hard. Everyone cried, but that was to be expected. Puck and Finn excused themselves first, their macho-masculine sensibilities overwhelmed, and they went outside to wait in the car to avoid prolonging the messy emotional scene. Rachel went next so that she could give Quinn another few minutes with the baby. The Baums left Quinn in the living room, holding her daughter for what was to be the last time for a good, long time.
The goodbye was hard, but Quinn knew that it was right. She planted a gentle kiss on her child's head, then set her down in the crib that was being temporarily placed in the living room while the baby's freshly painted room was being aired out.
As she was on her way out of the house, she spotted the unused canister of sunglow gold. Inspiration seized her. She grabbed the canister and a small brush, and dashed back up the stairs to the baby's room. There, underneath the red musical notations, she added a gold star.
She couldn't really explain why she did it, but it just felt right.
***
"We should talk," Quinn said softly. It pleased her to see Rachel respond with a bright and guileless beam. It hurt her terribly to know that smile wouldn't be there for long.
The two of them left the hotel room for a walk down the street. It took a few minutes of silence for Quinn to work up the courage and strength to speak.
"So... we go home tomorrow," Quinn commented idly.
"Are you okay with that?" Rachel couldn't disguise her worried tone. Her concern made everything that much harder.
"We've been gone long enough," Quinn answered. "Rach, I want to thank you. This trip - traveling with everyone, being away from Lima, seeing the baby - all of it, it's helped me so much. I know that you had to drag me every step of the way, but I'm glad that you did."
And it's like someone told Rachel Berry that she'd won the lead in the Broadway revival of Funny Girl or something, because her face lit up with unrestrained joy. That grin might as well have been a plunged dagger in Quinn's heart. She could already feel the lump in her throat, the tears gathering behind her eyes.
"I want you to know that I don't regret anything," Quinn continued in a quivering voice. "I need you to know how much all of this meant to me. You, especially." And there it was. The edges of Rachel's smile faltered with uncertainty. Because while Rachel might be socially inept, she wasn't stupid.
"I know." There was caution in Rachel's voice. She knew what was coming. She knew and she didn't want to. This was an oncoming train but all she could do was stand there and watch and wait for the collision.
"You know that we can't carry on the way we've been," Quinn said. "We have to stop."
Rachel thought that because she had been expecting it, it should hurt less. She was very, very wrong about that.
"Why not?"
"You know why." Quinn could feel the tears falling, slowly trailing its way down her cheek. She didn't wipe it away. The simplest actions seemed impossible right now.
"It doesn't have to be that way."
Quinn didn't want to get into that debate. She didn't expect Rachel to understand it. For Rachel, love was the end-all be-all to any scenario. Love conquered all. Love shall overcome. Quinn knew better than that.
So instead, she just said, "Finn's a great guy. He would never do anything to hurt either of us. We shouldn't hurt him either."
"I think we're way past that now." Rachel knew that she had treated Finn appallingly. He had been stoic when she told him that they couldn't be together anymore, but she could tell that he was hurt. Her actions towards Finn had been regrettable, but it was too late to take it back. All she could do now was resolve to make it up to him in the future - as a friend.
"Finn loves you," Quinn said.
"Finn wants me." Rachel's voice was beginning to tremble. "There's a difference."
"And you want him." Quinn didn't have the right to sound dejected about that, but she did anyway. She couldn't help it.
"Yes," Rachel conceded. "But I don't love him."
"Give it time. He grows on you." Sometimes Quinn thought of Finn as a Chia Pet. In the beginning, he's a bit dull and just there, but with a little time, he could be kind of neat. "It shouldn't be a problem for you."
"What is that supposed to be mean?" Rachel wished that she didn't sound so defensive, but she didn't like what Quinn was implying. Yet for once, Quinn hadn't meant to insult. It just came out that way.
"It's just that... you're..." Quinn struggled for the least offensive way to say this. "It's easy for you to like people."
Quinn couldn't deny that it bothered her to see Rachel easily flit from Finn to Puck to Mr. Schue to whoever else was around that week. Rachel's affections were intense but mercurial. Quinn couldn't begrudge her the easy transference; she supposed that this was what most teenagers were supposed to be like. Quinn simply wasn't like that. Her repressive sense of propriety was etched so deep that she could really only be affectionate when her desires were so rare and strong that it defied all her attempts at suppression, like they were with Rachel. In the back of her mind, Quinn had the vague idea that even if this was painful for Rachel right now, the brunette would bounce back soon enough, just like she did from Finn and from Mr. Schue. Quinn never considered that she'd be any different.
"You make me sound like some sort of a harlot." Indignation seeped into Rachel's tone. "And you can't just let Finn have me. It doesn't work that way."
"This is the best thing for everyone," Quinn insisted. "With glee club winning competitions and Finn as the school quarterback, you'll be the new elites. No more slushies. No more name-calling. You won't be at the bottom of the social ladder anymore. It's what you've always wanted." Quinn did know Rachel's weaknesses, and she could see the flicker of hesitation in the brunette's eyes. But it was gone just as quickly as it came on.
"And what if none of that matters to me anymore?"
"Well, it matters to me."
"Quinn-"
"Rach, I can't. I'm sorry, but I can't." Quinn's voice was saturated with anguish. The tears streamed violently as she became utterly overwhelmed. It felt like nothing short of cutting out pieces of her heart. And she was doing it to herself. "Everything last year with Puck and Finn and the baby and the Cheerios and my parents- oh, god, my parents. I can't. I can't. I don't know how to take any more. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but I'm just not that strong."
In one short year, Quinn's life had been turned upside down. Her sophomore year had been filled with trials and tribulations that most people never encounter in a lifetime. The idea of having her junior year plagued with the scandal of coming out - with Rachel Berry as her girlfriend, no less - that wasn't an easy concept to swallow. On top of that, Quinn knew how people like her parents operated. To fall in love with someone of the same gender was worse than social ostracization, worse than premarital sex, worse than getting knocked up at sixteen and giving up the baby for adoption. And Quinn was surrounded by people like her parents. It was her entire community, it was her life, and it was all she's ever known.
Rachel was a girl weaned on The Princess Bride and Celine Dion songs. She might have understood Quinn's struggles on an intellectual level, but it stopped short of true empathy. Rachel was lucky that way. All she could offer was platitudes.
"You're stronger than you think, Quinn," Rachel said.
"It doesn't matter." Quinn wiped her eyes with the back of her hands. She was beginning to reign in her emotions. "What do you think is going to happen with us? We're in high school. How many happily-ever-afters do you get from that? How long do you think we'd last? Six months? A year? Until college? And then what? When we graduate, you'll go to New York and your parents will still love you. I'll have nothing. I'm sorry, but I'm not prepared to throw my entire life away for a high school romance."
"But you don't know that. You don't know any of that." Rachel was surprisingly calm, although it took every inch of her resolve to be that way. "You don't know what the future holds, Quinn."
Quinn had to acknowledge that was true. But then so was this:
"But, maybe," Quinn said. "Maybe I just don't think that you're worth the risk."
***
They were supposed to leave Bakersfield for Lima early in the morning, so Puck and Finn should have been in bed asleep hours ago. But they waited up because Rachel and Quinn hadn't returned yet.
It was 2 a.m. when the girls finally got back to the room.
There were no hellos, no greetings, not even a faint acknowledgment. They came in, got ready for bed in silence, and crawled underneath the covers - each sleeping as far away from the other as possible. The boys were too afraid to ask any questions, but they didn't really have to. Heartbreak was written all over the girls' faces.
So ended their third and last night in Bakersfield.
***
Bullhead City, AZ
"What happened last night?" Finn asked.
They had pulled off the highway to stop for lunch and gas. They no longer had any reason to stay out on the road, and since school was starting soon, they all agreed to head straight back to Lima with minimal stops. But with 2,300 miles in between them, it was still going to be a few days before they got back. The entire car ride that day had been spent in silence, and Finn thought that if he had to suffer through the awkward silence, he should at least get to know what was going on.
"You were right," Rachel answered simply. "It ended badly."
"Yeah, but when I said that, I was thinking more like Quinn would pull your hair out for all the lying and stuff," Finn said. "I didn't expect... you know, lesbian drama." Rachel felt a jolt of surprise, but only because she had never spoken frankly about this topic with Finn before.
"Neither did I."
"I'm sorry things turned out like this."
"Me too," Rachel said with a small, sad nod. "I'm sorry that I didn't tell you. I should have been honest with you from the beginning."
"Yeah, that was really uncool."
"I'm really sorry."
Finn shrugged. It hurt, and it was going to hurt for a while, but he could tell that the girls were in more pain than he was. If there was ever a time to put aside his own miseries for the sake of his friends, it was now.
"So, um... I guess you're pretty set on Quinn?"
"Pretty set."
"Are you sure?" he asked hesitantly, with just the slightest tinge of hope. "Because you were pretty into me last year, then Puck, then Mr. Schue. So maybe it's like one of those, um, fancy things."
"Passing fancy?"
"Yeah, that."
"No," she answered sadly. "No, I think this is different."
"Yeah," Finn breathed out in resignation. "I was afraid that you'd say that." Then he offered her a friendly grin. "It would've been easier to be in love with me though."
"Yes," Rachel agreed. "It would have."
***
Holbrook, AZ
They drove until none of them could stand to be in the car anymore, and they stopped to sleep at a roadside motel.
Quinn heard Rachel get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. She stayed in there for half an hour, and Quinn could hear faint sounds of muffled crying. Quinn dug her nails into her thighs so hard that it left marks for days thereafter. It gave her a deep sense of satisfaction whenever she looked at them.
She thought that it was punishment well deserved.
***
Amarillo, TX
The next night they ended up staying at the same motel they stayed at when they passed through last time. By sheer coincidence, it was the same room that Rachel and Quinn had before. Quinn stepped inside, took one look at the room (at the bed) and announced that she was going for a walk.
"Want company?" Puck offered.
"No, thank you," Quinn said politely. She left the room quickly and quietly; Rachel was thankful that she did.
"This place brings back memories," Puck said, looking a little green. He hasn't been able to look at a steak the same way since the night he spent here hugging the toilet bowl.
"What memories?" Finn asked. Puck let out a sheepish laugh, and proceeded to tell him about the great 72-oz steak challenge. When he was finished, Finn looked at him and scoffed, "I could do that with no problem."
"Prove it."
"I'm not going to do it by myself."
"Why not? You do it by yourself all the time," Puck smirked.
The boys carried on bickering. Ignoring them, Rachel lay in bed, listening to her iPod and staring up at the off-white ceiling, thinking of a time not too long ago.
"Can't... ever?"
Quinn bit the bottom of her lip, her brows furrowed in puzzled concentration.
"Can't... now," she said slowly. "I think."
***
Interstate 44
The sign read, Tulsa: 10 miles.
In the front passenger seat, Finn stiffened and heaved a heavy sigh. Technically, he has never been to Tulsa, but the place held bittersweet memories for him anyway.
Rachel leaned forward in her seat and touched her hand to his shoulder. Without turning around, Finn patted her hand reassuringly, as if saying, No, really, I'm okay.
Next to Rachel, Quinn exhaled forcefully through her nostrils, a petty, jealous snort she couldn't repress. Rachel sat back in her seat. Her eyes, wide as saucer and softly cutting, regarded Quinn with intermingled guilt and blame and resentment and affection. Quinn glanced at Rachel out of the corner of her eyes before quickly turning away in shame. That one little moment was more than enough though. She could already feel her eyes moistening as the heavy burden of guilt weighed down on her until it was literally difficult to breathe.
"Oh, god. Will you two cut that out?" Puck barked from the driver's seat. "You guys are killing me here with that shit."
***
Rolla, MO
It was their last night out on the road. Tomorrow, they would be back in Lima. Back to their lives. Back to normal, if you could call it that.
Puck didn't think that it was possible for things to get any more awkward, but he was wrong. He did his best to ignore the situation by putting on his headphones and blasting Guns n' Roses, but even Slash's shredding couldn't cut through the stiflingly thick tension that hung in the air. Not even the swimsuit models in the Sports Illustrated he was leafing through could distract him from the obviously overwhelming pressure. Finn, playing a game on his PSP, was not immune either; he kept fidgeting in his seat and nervously looking up at the girls every two minutes, like he was just waiting for the dam to break.
Rachel was on the bed, leaning against the headboard and reading a book. Quinn was sitting on the edge of the bed, far from Rachel, watching TV. Every so often, Rachel looked up from her book to cast a lingering gaze at the blonde. When Quinn felt the focus upon her, she instinctively turned to look; then Rachel would quickly avert her eyes and train her attention back to the book that she wasn't reading anyway. Then it would be Quinn's turn to stare with forlorn longing, until Rachel buckled under the pressure of intensity and lifted her eyes to Quinn. Their eyes would meet very briefly before Quinn forced herself to turn away. They could go back and forth like this all night.
Puck violently threw his magazine down on the floor.
"That's it!" he declared as he sprang to his feet. "I gotta get out of here." Everyone was looking at him now.
"What's up?" Finn asked.
"You guys are-" Puck stopped himself. For once in his life, he decided to employ some tact. It didn't seem like it would make things less awkward by pointing out how awkward everything was. "I'm hungry," he said instead. "I'm going to go grab a burger. Finn, let's go."
"I'm not really hungry," Finn answered. "I mean, we just ate-"
"Dude," Puck interrupted. "Get off your ass. We're going." Puck gave his best friend a hard, meaningful stare, quickly glanced towards the girls, then back at Finn again. Finn finally caught on. He nodded, getting up from his chair and grabbing his jacket.
"Yeah, I could really go for a milkshake."
"We'll probably be a few hours. We'll call you guys before we come back," Puck told the girls. "You know, just to see if you guys want anything."
"I'd appreciate it," said Quinn quietly.
Finn paused by the door on his way out, glancing down at the PSP he held in his hand.
"Wait, I'm low on batteries. I just need to charge it first-"
Puck seized the taller boy by his shoulder, yanked the door open and roughly shoved him out. He gave the girls a short wave, then tumbled out himself, closing the door behind him. Then finally, Rachel and Quinn were alone. But neither knew what to say or do. There was so much that needed to be say, and much more that couldn't be said. Quinn inhaled shakily.
"We should talk," she said. "We can't go back to Lima like this. We need to be able to get along, for the sake of glee - and our friends."
Rachel could only nod numbly, the motion so slight that it was almost imperceptible. Quinn stood, made her way to Rachel's side of the bed and sat down next to her, close but not intimately so.
"Okay," Quinn said. "Let's talk."
Rachel nodded again. She started to speak, but then she looked into Quinn's eyes and then she could think of nothing but lips and hands. When it had been just the two of them traveling together, they touched incessantly; friendly during the day and passionate during the night. The frequency and urgency of their couplings would have put Viagara-ingesting rabbits to shame. Then, once Puck and Finn showed up, there was nothing, not even the slightest touch. The drought was unbearable, but it wasn't as if Rachel had many opportunities (or any, really) to address the issue - until now. Now she had Quinn to herself again. As that realization hit her, so did a warm wave of desire, spreading through the cells of her body, slow and ever-expanding.
She quickly scooted forward, grabbed the back of Quinn's head with both hands and pulled the blonde in for a searing kiss. For Quinn, it was like a contact high. The instant that their lips touched, an electrifying surge coursed through her, igniting every inch of her skin with yearning heat. Her reaction came so naturally that it was almost unconscious. She wrapped an arm around Rachel's waist while the other hand reached up to cup her face. As their tongues met, Quinn moaned into Rachel's mouth; aroused, Rachel quickly moved on top, straddling Quinn's hips while simultaneously pushing her down against the mattress. Her hands pushed up Quinn's shirt, eagerly exploring the flesh underneath. In the back of her mind - the part yet to be completely overtaken by lust - Rachel marveled at the fact how it was possible for her to have missed this so badly when it had really only been a few days since they've been like this.
"Wait," Quinn suddenly muttered. She put her hands against Rachel's shoulders and gently pushed the smaller girl away, albeit with pained reluctance. She was panting hard, breathless from kissing. "Wait, we have to talk."
"I don't want to talk," Rachel answered petulantly.
Quinn stared. Then responded. Her hands, still resting on Rachel's shoulders, tightened and gripped onto Rachel's shirt. She forcefully pulled the girl back down, bringing their lips together once more. They did need to have a conversation, but Quinn figured that Rachel Berry not wanting to talk might be a sign of the impending Apocalypse, and if the world was about to end, she might as well die ecstatically with a Rachel Berry-induced orgasm.
She kissed Rachel, fervently and desperately, knowing that this will be the last time she gets to do so. Rachel had similar ideas. She kissed Quinn hard, like she was trying to bruise the girl. She dragged her nails sharply against Quinn's skin, like she was trying to find her way underneath. In a sense, she was. She wanted Quinn to always, always remember this.
As they kissed, Rachel gripped the edge of Quinn's shirt; she momentarily broke away to yank it up and discard it. Quinn eagerly returned the favor, and like this, the two of them clumsily and impatiently peeled off each other's shirts and skirts until they were clad in only their underwear. Rachel slipped Quinn's brastrap off her shoulders, her hands moving smoothly from Quinn's shoulder blades down along her torso until they were cupping her breasts. Rachel massaged gently, then kissed and sucked her way down Quinn's neck and body until her mouth moved over soft swells, taking a hard nipple against her tongue. Quinn threaded her fingers through Rachel's hair, her hands cupping the sides of Rachel's face, half-wanting to control the brunette's movements, half-wanting to just let Rachel go wild. Needing to feel as much of Rachel as possible, Quinn unclasped Rachel's bra, flinging the article aside. She tugged Rachel back up for another kiss as their bodies rubbed together, breasts against breasts, hips against hips.
Craving more, Rachel's hand roamed south, finding its way to damp panties. Her fingers kneaded against that dampness, finding and feeling that stiff nub through the wet cloth. Quinn emitted a groan against Rachel's mouth that was by now all too familiar to her ears. It was the kind of rewarding plea that made Rachel lose any and all semblance of self-control. She quickly took a hold of the waistband and pulled off Quinn's panties. She touched her fingers to the clit, rubbing vigorously as the blonde girl beneath her wormed in pleasurable agony. Rachel pulled back to look at Quinn, who had her eyes closed tight.
"Look at me," Rachel commanded. Quinn did.
Rachel's eyes were intensely affixed to Quinn's as she pushed her fingers deep inside slick wetness. She picked up on a steady, heavy rhythm; she probed deeply, and with each stroke she struck that sweet spot that made Quinn wince and writhe in a really good way.
"Tell me," Rachel's voice trembled as she spoke. "Tell me that you won't miss this. Tell me that you can go the rest of your life without feeling this again." But Quinn could only whimper. Rachel pulled her fingers out, then thrust them in again. Quinn inhaled sharply at the sensation.
"Tell me," Rachel demanded. "Tell me that you don't want me. Tell me that you don't need me." Quinn's eyes welled with tears. She opened her mouth to speak, but only a strangled cry escaped.
"You can't do it, can you?" Rachel twisted her fingers against Quinn's inner walls. "You can't do it because you love me. You love me." Quinn shook her head fervently. "And I love you."
And to show her how much, Rachel pulled her fingers out and scrambled down, quickly seeking out Quinn's center with her mouth. She dove in hungrily. Her tongue swirled and her lips sucked with even more enthusiasm than usual. She needed Quinn to feel this. She needed Quinn to understand what she was giving up. She needed to make this one count.
As her tongue unabashedly worked against Quinn's heat, Rachel reached up and sought out Quinn's hand. Their fingers intertwined together, Quinn held on tightly as her body started to quiver, then buckle, until she came with a piercing cry. As she settled, Rachel crawled back up, capturing Quinn's mouth in her own, heated and ardent. Not one to be selfish in moments like these, Quinn pushed her down past the elastics of Rachel's waistbands, her fingers burying into Rachel's core. Rachel moaned and rocked her hips against Quinn's hand. It didn't take long before pleasure seized her body, and she shook violently as the sensuous waves mercilessly wrecked her again and again.
When the last rippled ebbed, Rachel collapsed as a heap, helplessly curled against her lover. Quinn's arms enveloped her, and the two of them held each other as the sweat on their skin cooled and their hearts slowed. It might have been minutes, it might have hours, but however long it was, it was still too short. When Quinn started to stir, Rachel clung on even tighter.
"No. Please," she begged humbly, without pride or pretenses. "Stay with me. Please don't go. Just stay. Please just stay."
But this time, Quinn said, in a faint voice twisted and torn with misery,
"I'm sorry. I can't. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry."
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