where does this leave you?
I wish that our relationship didn't have to be so painful. Half of it is the fact that I make it more painful than it should be with all of my baggage. I hate baggage and I hate that I carry it everywhere with me. My arms are tired but I can't just leave it at the door. I don't even know how I feel or what I should feel about this situation. My emotions are so mixed up right now that it would almost be easier to regress backwards. No, not this time. I need to make some progress in my life. I've taken a meaningless step which will probably either be ignored or just be seen as an annoyance. They keep telling me things that it is impossible to believe. I wish that I could know what goes on in the minds of others when they think of me, but alas, all I have is a skewed, imaginative version. I guess that's why I put myself into these situations of oblivion; it's easier to be messed up in a fake world than to deal with what I am feeling in the real world. The priest told the congregation not to think about themselves so much today in the homily. I haven't been doing very well with the whole thinking of others thing considering most of the sentences in this entry start with "I" or "my". Really though, the only reason I am so self-reflective is because my embarrassment and concern for what others think. What others think of me. That still doesn't make up for the fact that this is all rooted in me. I feel like I cannot begin to help others if I do not even understand what is going on with me right now. So much of my confusion is linked to a couple of people. The people that I cannot figure out how to deal with are the ones who continue to run through my mind. Hopefully the one thing I have tried will not be a complete disaster. I don't think I could take any more humiliation in this area right now. Sleep calls and maybe my dreams will take me somewhere where life is not so painful. Anticipation of tomorrow might be less painful if I just go to sleep instead of wasting my time writing and crying. Words are piling up, but the solution is nowhere to be found.