(no subject)
A lot has happened.
My Mom was admitted into Brigham and Women's Hospital on Monday morning with a severe case of pneumonia. When I talked to her on the phone later that night, she could barely make out the words, "I love you." It was reminiscent of when Harriet was dying, and she could barely say anything to my siblings and I while we were trying to get help. That scared me.
Yesterday, my Dad and I went to visit my Mom. I can't believe I almost didn't go. I almost didn't go. If I hadn't gone, I would have been disgusted with myself. Just the fact that I gave it consideration, still disgusts me.
But I went. And I got to see her. She looked terrible, weak; things I've never known my Mom to be. I tried to talk, but most words came out in tears. I was so scared for her. I don't want her to die. We talked like this could be the last time we see each other. The scary thing is, it very well could be.
I apologized for the years of fighting I caused. My mom could only say, "Have you ever been a teenager, Nick?"
"Every once in awhile, yeah."
"It comes with the job. Don't worry about it."
At one point, my brother Eric called while we were still there. I held the phone to my Mom's ear, because her hand was bloated from an IV explosion. She was on the verge of tears, because she would probably never see her granddaughter again. And she told Eric she was proud of him and how he's grown. And even I was crying, because every word was just directed towards her death.
I wish I hadn't been so selfish these last few months. I wish I hadn't "run away" to Middle Street. I wish I could have done things for my Mom and helped her and made her last few months enjoyable. When she said she's lived a good life, I bawled, because I don't think the end was very good.
I kept hugging her and kissing her forehead. I didn't want to leave the room, but I had to go home and start my responsibilities on getting things organized, and bills paid. Nick doing bills. Crazy.
I wish I could go back. Stop Harriet from dying. Warn my Mom about the cancer. Get everything out of the way.
:-(
---
I think my Dad forgot I had class at 10 and drove my Savannah all the way to Byfield for school.
:-(
My Mom was admitted into Brigham and Women's Hospital on Monday morning with a severe case of pneumonia. When I talked to her on the phone later that night, she could barely make out the words, "I love you." It was reminiscent of when Harriet was dying, and she could barely say anything to my siblings and I while we were trying to get help. That scared me.
Yesterday, my Dad and I went to visit my Mom. I can't believe I almost didn't go. I almost didn't go. If I hadn't gone, I would have been disgusted with myself. Just the fact that I gave it consideration, still disgusts me.
But I went. And I got to see her. She looked terrible, weak; things I've never known my Mom to be. I tried to talk, but most words came out in tears. I was so scared for her. I don't want her to die. We talked like this could be the last time we see each other. The scary thing is, it very well could be.
I apologized for the years of fighting I caused. My mom could only say, "Have you ever been a teenager, Nick?"
"Every once in awhile, yeah."
"It comes with the job. Don't worry about it."
At one point, my brother Eric called while we were still there. I held the phone to my Mom's ear, because her hand was bloated from an IV explosion. She was on the verge of tears, because she would probably never see her granddaughter again. And she told Eric she was proud of him and how he's grown. And even I was crying, because every word was just directed towards her death.
I wish I hadn't been so selfish these last few months. I wish I hadn't "run away" to Middle Street. I wish I could have done things for my Mom and helped her and made her last few months enjoyable. When she said she's lived a good life, I bawled, because I don't think the end was very good.
I kept hugging her and kissing her forehead. I didn't want to leave the room, but I had to go home and start my responsibilities on getting things organized, and bills paid. Nick doing bills. Crazy.
I wish I could go back. Stop Harriet from dying. Warn my Mom about the cancer. Get everything out of the way.
:-(
---
I think my Dad forgot I had class at 10 and drove my Savannah all the way to Byfield for school.
:-(