speaking of which
Tonight I have work from 5:00 to 11:00 and then Amber is picking me up and taking me to her house. I spend more time over her house than anywhere else. Tomorrow, when Amber and I wake up, we’re going over my house, possibly Maddy helping out as well, and cleaning and reorganizing my room so that when I drag all my stuff from middle street back there, it won’t just be a heap. If I can get all that done tomorrow and have all my stuff moved back in, this would be wonderful. I’m tired. I barely eat here. I don’t want to eat this food. I don’t accept Kelly’s offers of meals because I don’t want to feel responsible for stuff she needs to do.
She made chicken this morning. CHICKEN! THIS MORNING! For breakfast, they had chicken. I’m in the kitchen cleaning out a cup so i can get a drink, and Kelly comes in to make chicken and I’m like, “you’re gonna have to clean some dishes to make it,” and she’s like, “Yeah.” Then she notices a clean pan in the open dish washer and goes, “Oh! A clean pan!” Grabs it. Puts the chicken on it. Cooks it. Eventually eats it. Before I leave to go see Golden Compass with my sister, I notice the pan is still on the stove covered in chicken shit. I leave for two hours and come back here and they were done eating a long time ago, and the pan of chicken shit is exactly where I had walked away from it.
Disgusting. Absolutely fucking disgusting. Now, you might ask why don’t I just deal with it? I could. I could be the better person and clean up everyone’s messes, but then they wouldn’t learn anything. They’d keep doing what they’re doing. Waiting for the dishes to pile up so I can become frustrated and wash them all over again. No one learns. I’m so glad I’m leaving. But I’m so tortured because Stephen will be alone and he’ll have to suffer through this. He didn’t deserve any of this. He was nice enough to let people stay here and now people just shit all over him. I’m leaving because I don’t want to be that kind of person. I love Stephen. He’s my best friend. He gave me a chance to stay here, and if I can’t pay that back to him, then I leave. I learned from that. I spent years of having Harriet or my Dad do my dishes. There was a point where I did dishes, but for the most part, if I left things in the sink, they’d magically disappear. I get here, and I automatically learn that I have to deal with my own things. I rinse my dishes and put them in the dish washer.
MY GOD!? WE HAVE A DISH WASHER!? A MACHINE THAT WASHES DISHES FOR US!? WHO PUT THAT THERE!? WHEN DID THAT GET THERE!? THAT HAS TO BE NEW! STEPHEN YOU DOG, WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL US!? ALL THIS TIME WE’VE JUST BEEN LEAVING OUR DISHES IN THE SINK BECAUSE WE DIDN’T THINK IT WAS HUMANELY POSSIBLE FOR US TO WASH THEM OURSELVES! BUT THIS! THIS MARVELOUS CREATION! MY GOODNESS!
I want out of here so bad. So freakin’ bad. I wish in this instant, I could grab all my stuff and run. I understand why I put myself in this situation, and I don’t regret doing this. But I learned. I learned from my mistakes. From my past. I learned where my anger can drive me. It drove me here. And now it’s driving me back home where I belong. My renewed start. A familiar place for a fresh beginning. Wonderful. I seriously cannot wait.
I come home last night. Stephen warns me that people are smashed again. People are down in the basement doing whatever it is drunk people do in basements. People are playing Halo. Halo. Always Halo. I really hate that game now. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to play it again. Probably, but right now. It just makes me angry.
It’s midnight and people are going, “fuck yeah,” or, “sonnuvabitch!” or “What the fuck?”, etc. etc. MIDNIGHT! Didn’t Steve, our neighbor politely ask us that after 11 o’clock if we could be quiet. He’s a fucking flight attendant. He needs his sleep. He wakes up early and I wonder if he gets any sleep at all with people hooping and hollering right next door to him. And haha, when it turns 1 o’clock, a new person comes over! By 2 o’clock I go into my room and fall asleep. I don’t know how long they were here, but. I dunno. I just didn’t care anymore. I didn’t want to argue. There’s no point in saying, “NO MORE ALCOHOL!” if no one is going to listen. I just don’t care. I’ll be out of here within the week, hopefully sooner. Then it won’t be my problem. It’ll be Stephen’s, and that’s what saddens me most. That he’ll be stuck with this. Until next summer. I’m hoping Renee’s return is glorious. Stephen needs something to make him happy. He needs an escape. I called him earlier asking for a ride to work at 5, and he was in the middle of opening presents with his family. I hate that I interrupted that and that while he’s having christmas with his family, I’m asking him to do something for me.
I’m clicking my heels. There’s no place like home. I realize that now. It’s a good place when you make it that way.
My brother Glenn is going down to Missouri for two months to help out with the blackout problems they’ve been having since the, uh, ice storms? That’s great of him. I have a lot of respect for him to do that.
I can’t wait for this work shift to be over. It’ll be with Val, so that’s good. If it’s as dead as yesterday (though if there’s a snow storm tonight, I think we’ll be busy) then I will feel good. I just want it to be over so I can spend time with Amber. It sounds dumb, but it’s hard being away from her, especially when I have to be away from her and in this mess. During my period of not being in a relationship, I told myself that I wouldn’t become clingy or desperate, or pathetic, or whiney, or anything like that that I suffered in my other relationships. I didn’t want to be that guy anymore. I’m not that guy with Amber. We share a great connection. A wonderful connection. We don’t cling to each other. We support each other. We’re not desperate. We’re in love. We’re not pathetic. We’re content with each other. We don’t whine about our relationship. There’s nothing to whine about. It’s perfect, it really is. I don’t think I’ve ever really felt like this, but I’m glad I’ve gotten the chance to do so.
After this week, school will be over. I’ll be back at home. Life won’t be as hectic. Christmas is coming up. I need to shop. I wish I had money. I get paid this week, so that’s good, but it’s right before christmas so everything will be gone. Bah.
Anyway, that’s enough rant for now.
EDIT: I'm not sure, but I think I hear Kelly cleaning the kitchen. I'll go investigate. I hope I'm right.
She made chicken this morning. CHICKEN! THIS MORNING! For breakfast, they had chicken. I’m in the kitchen cleaning out a cup so i can get a drink, and Kelly comes in to make chicken and I’m like, “you’re gonna have to clean some dishes to make it,” and she’s like, “Yeah.” Then she notices a clean pan in the open dish washer and goes, “Oh! A clean pan!” Grabs it. Puts the chicken on it. Cooks it. Eventually eats it. Before I leave to go see Golden Compass with my sister, I notice the pan is still on the stove covered in chicken shit. I leave for two hours and come back here and they were done eating a long time ago, and the pan of chicken shit is exactly where I had walked away from it.
Disgusting. Absolutely fucking disgusting. Now, you might ask why don’t I just deal with it? I could. I could be the better person and clean up everyone’s messes, but then they wouldn’t learn anything. They’d keep doing what they’re doing. Waiting for the dishes to pile up so I can become frustrated and wash them all over again. No one learns. I’m so glad I’m leaving. But I’m so tortured because Stephen will be alone and he’ll have to suffer through this. He didn’t deserve any of this. He was nice enough to let people stay here and now people just shit all over him. I’m leaving because I don’t want to be that kind of person. I love Stephen. He’s my best friend. He gave me a chance to stay here, and if I can’t pay that back to him, then I leave. I learned from that. I spent years of having Harriet or my Dad do my dishes. There was a point where I did dishes, but for the most part, if I left things in the sink, they’d magically disappear. I get here, and I automatically learn that I have to deal with my own things. I rinse my dishes and put them in the dish washer.
MY GOD!? WE HAVE A DISH WASHER!? A MACHINE THAT WASHES DISHES FOR US!? WHO PUT THAT THERE!? WHEN DID THAT GET THERE!? THAT HAS TO BE NEW! STEPHEN YOU DOG, WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL US!? ALL THIS TIME WE’VE JUST BEEN LEAVING OUR DISHES IN THE SINK BECAUSE WE DIDN’T THINK IT WAS HUMANELY POSSIBLE FOR US TO WASH THEM OURSELVES! BUT THIS! THIS MARVELOUS CREATION! MY GOODNESS!
I want out of here so bad. So freakin’ bad. I wish in this instant, I could grab all my stuff and run. I understand why I put myself in this situation, and I don’t regret doing this. But I learned. I learned from my mistakes. From my past. I learned where my anger can drive me. It drove me here. And now it’s driving me back home where I belong. My renewed start. A familiar place for a fresh beginning. Wonderful. I seriously cannot wait.
I come home last night. Stephen warns me that people are smashed again. People are down in the basement doing whatever it is drunk people do in basements. People are playing Halo. Halo. Always Halo. I really hate that game now. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to play it again. Probably, but right now. It just makes me angry.
It’s midnight and people are going, “fuck yeah,” or, “sonnuvabitch!” or “What the fuck?”, etc. etc. MIDNIGHT! Didn’t Steve, our neighbor politely ask us that after 11 o’clock if we could be quiet. He’s a fucking flight attendant. He needs his sleep. He wakes up early and I wonder if he gets any sleep at all with people hooping and hollering right next door to him. And haha, when it turns 1 o’clock, a new person comes over! By 2 o’clock I go into my room and fall asleep. I don’t know how long they were here, but. I dunno. I just didn’t care anymore. I didn’t want to argue. There’s no point in saying, “NO MORE ALCOHOL!” if no one is going to listen. I just don’t care. I’ll be out of here within the week, hopefully sooner. Then it won’t be my problem. It’ll be Stephen’s, and that’s what saddens me most. That he’ll be stuck with this. Until next summer. I’m hoping Renee’s return is glorious. Stephen needs something to make him happy. He needs an escape. I called him earlier asking for a ride to work at 5, and he was in the middle of opening presents with his family. I hate that I interrupted that and that while he’s having christmas with his family, I’m asking him to do something for me.
I’m clicking my heels. There’s no place like home. I realize that now. It’s a good place when you make it that way.
My brother Glenn is going down to Missouri for two months to help out with the blackout problems they’ve been having since the, uh, ice storms? That’s great of him. I have a lot of respect for him to do that.
I can’t wait for this work shift to be over. It’ll be with Val, so that’s good. If it’s as dead as yesterday (though if there’s a snow storm tonight, I think we’ll be busy) then I will feel good. I just want it to be over so I can spend time with Amber. It sounds dumb, but it’s hard being away from her, especially when I have to be away from her and in this mess. During my period of not being in a relationship, I told myself that I wouldn’t become clingy or desperate, or pathetic, or whiney, or anything like that that I suffered in my other relationships. I didn’t want to be that guy anymore. I’m not that guy with Amber. We share a great connection. A wonderful connection. We don’t cling to each other. We support each other. We’re not desperate. We’re in love. We’re not pathetic. We’re content with each other. We don’t whine about our relationship. There’s nothing to whine about. It’s perfect, it really is. I don’t think I’ve ever really felt like this, but I’m glad I’ve gotten the chance to do so.
After this week, school will be over. I’ll be back at home. Life won’t be as hectic. Christmas is coming up. I need to shop. I wish I had money. I get paid this week, so that’s good, but it’s right before christmas so everything will be gone. Bah.
Anyway, that’s enough rant for now.
EDIT: I'm not sure, but I think I hear Kelly cleaning the kitchen. I'll go investigate. I hope I'm right.