Goodbyes to those I loved before
My father died on the fifteenth of February at 4:34am. It was complications from corona virus that killed him, coupled with a rather nasty COPD that had been undiagnosed until then. From what mom said he slipped away peacefully. His heart just...slowed and then stopped. Which was good; he was drowning and fighting to not for days.
The memorial was on the 27th. Mom had him cremated and the little wooden box his remains are in sat in front of the church surrounded by pics of him, and me and devin and maddy. Mom. His family.
I had been asked to write the obituary and also a letter to dad, which I produced for mom. Then she nearly forgot to give the letter to the person who was reading memories. She asked, during the ceremony if I still wanted Cousin Jimmy to read it. At first I said no, not wanting to make a scene. But the longer I sat there the more I rethought it. He was my dad; those were my final words to him and for him. Eventually I asked reluctantly if it was too late and she immediately delved into her purse for her phone, where my words had been sent to her via facebook text. Finding the letter, she waited for jimmy to finish everything else and then stood and handed him the phone, muttering she'd forgotten sorry, and that Liv had written something.
Jimmy made a quip about of course something going not according to plan; it was our family after all, and cleared his throat, told people I had written something, and then read it out.
Part of me is proud, honestly, that everyone enjoyed it. Jimmy asked if he could use it at further funerals because he thought it might help some people and I agreed he could take it.
I'm not sure if I'm numb or just tired of trying to grieve honestly. I don't do well with grief; it doesn't seem to sit well with my depression. And honestly it's really hard for me to come to terms with the reality that my father is gone. I haven't really been able to grasp that. As a concept and something abstract yes, I understand it. But the true physicality of it, the present here and now...it's really hard to make my brain get that he's gone. He's not just on vacation somewhere, and he never took vacations anyway so why would he have done now?
Maybe that's just my existence now? Nothings really felt entirely real since. I don't dislike living in a simulation.