My Hips, They Lie a Lot

[poultryofperil]

Went to Dick and Jane's tonight with a group of friends for Heather's birthday. For those of you that don't know, Dick and Jane's is a gay and lesbian club that welcomes anyone and everyone. I was kind of afraid I was going to be uncomfortable, and I was for about five minutes. Then it was amazing. The music was ridiculous and hilarious and the dancing was a mixture of fantastic, horrifying, and funny as fuck. I loved it.

Points of Interest:

• I danced! Twice, for a little bit. It was fun! Michele and Ashley kept trying to get me to dance, mostly after Rae and Sara showed up and were sitting on either side of me. My response: "Dude, I am situated between two hot, red-headed twin sisters who actually seem to enjoy my jokes and keep leaning over me when they talk to each other. I am not moving." They totally understood.
• The drag show was hilarious. I actually startled the queen/host who talked to me because I was new to this whole thing, which I'm not sure is a good commentary on my social skills, but whatever. It was funny.
• The security guards and bartender were cute.
• My face actually still hurts from laughing so much.
• There was a boy who had to have been a stripper and had to have been nineteen, max, and was so gay he was almost straight. It was pretty awesome.
• I ran into an old friend who actually remembered me, and hugged me a lot, and was all, "YOU'RE A LESBIAN?! REALLY?" Me: Half and half, bb, half and half. Him: I am so gay. Me: I knew that a loooooong time ago, buddy. Him: *laughs, hugs me again, and then goes to make out with his seriously hot boyfriend* (I love my life, you guys).
• They played so much Lady GaGa it was scary. Some people loved that, I'm sure (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. <3).

The highlight of the evening though, was this. So, my brother's slutty, batshit-crazy ex showed up, right? At first I was pissed, because, just, seriously. Also, she would be cute if she just didn't talk (ever), but when you have an ass like that, you don't wear shorts that are basically khaki underpants, okay? Cover up, bitch. Anyway, she danced like a ginormous whore the entire time (I'm not talking regular, sexy-like dancing. I'm talking mimed sex with people that obviously were not interested. I laughed for a long, long time). THEN, OKAY, so there were these two guys who were together, and they were dancing by the stage, right. And then She gets up there, and starts dancing right by them, and her crotch is like, right by their faces. And one turns around and makes the most horrified face and waves his arms in a, "NO NO NO NO NO" motion, and I laughed so hard I thought I was going to break something. The next exchange went something like this:

Me: *walks over to him* Dude, I know you don't know me, but I know that chick, and she is fucking nuts and dated my brother, so I get it. That face you made was priceless. Thank you, you just made my weekend, buddy. *pats him on the arm and walks off*

Him and his boyfriend: *find me across the room a minute later* Tell your brother that I am so, so sorry for him, because Jesus Christ. I think that destroyed my appetite forever.

Me: *dies* She tends to do that, dude.

In conclusion: AWESOMESAUCE.