Thoughts....(Careful!!!)
It is about 11 o'clock and I really should be studying for tomorrow morning, but it is ok because I have everything in hand. Tomorrow, I will be delivering two sermons, both in the morning. I've been doing a lot of thinking about a good many things.
Of course, on my mind is Hollie. I am still quite unsure how to respond to her latest diary entry. She absolutely confusdicates me. On my mind, also, is Tanya, but I will not even go there. Reason being because I know that if I do, it is just way too dangerous.
Of course the adventurer in me, which rarely comes out, wants to take those thoughts of Tanya as far as they can go. But the rational side of me demmands that I grab ahold of the reins and I bring my adventurer side under control. I have often found in life that maintaining control over my thoughts and impulses is the best way to live, because I know that if I did not keep such a tight control, I would be getting myself into more trouble than I desire.
And is that not what Stoicism is all about...bringing every thought and emotion and desire under the control of my reason. I am not talking about being a robot here. What I am talking about is the idea of self-control.
Hollie used to get upset at me because I have always tried to maintain as tight of a control over my actions and reactions and thoughts as I could. She used to complain that I was not being, as she put it, "myself". Steph says the same thing about me. She says that I am not being "myself". And I think both of them are mistaken.
For them to try to have as much control over themselves as I have on me would be a foreign idea and practice for them. The control that I practice on myself has only come after years of discipline that it has become ingrained into who I am and how I think.
I understand that not very many people are open to such an idea. Perhaps that is why I have always felt as if I am on the outside looking in all my life. Perhaps that is why I have always felt a disconnect to other people. Yeah, Tanya and Steph say they've felt the same way, but I have an extremely difficult time believing them. Matter of fact, I have recently been having an extremely difficult time believing what anybody says. Mainly because of Hollie. She says that she's "ruined me for others". "Ruined" doesn't even begin to touch the hem of the garment of how I feel. "Ruined" is an understatement. And perhaps that is what I deserve. Shall I not drink the cup that has been poured out for me?
But I do not understand how Tanya can feel that way. She is beautiful and funny and I sense a magnetism to her personality that has the ability to draw people to her. She is, as far as I can tell, possessive of all those character traits that I do not have.
Perhaps that is why I have been thinking of telling Tanya to forget about me. She is much too amazing for me. She is much too good for me, and I know that sounds banal. But Tanya deserves to be happy. She loves Jake, and I get the feeling that I would become an obstacle in their relationship, and far be it from me to ever become that. Far be it from me to ever become that.
Of course, on my mind is Hollie. I am still quite unsure how to respond to her latest diary entry. She absolutely confusdicates me. On my mind, also, is Tanya, but I will not even go there. Reason being because I know that if I do, it is just way too dangerous.
Of course the adventurer in me, which rarely comes out, wants to take those thoughts of Tanya as far as they can go. But the rational side of me demmands that I grab ahold of the reins and I bring my adventurer side under control. I have often found in life that maintaining control over my thoughts and impulses is the best way to live, because I know that if I did not keep such a tight control, I would be getting myself into more trouble than I desire.
And is that not what Stoicism is all about...bringing every thought and emotion and desire under the control of my reason. I am not talking about being a robot here. What I am talking about is the idea of self-control.
Hollie used to get upset at me because I have always tried to maintain as tight of a control over my actions and reactions and thoughts as I could. She used to complain that I was not being, as she put it, "myself". Steph says the same thing about me. She says that I am not being "myself". And I think both of them are mistaken.
For them to try to have as much control over themselves as I have on me would be a foreign idea and practice for them. The control that I practice on myself has only come after years of discipline that it has become ingrained into who I am and how I think.
I understand that not very many people are open to such an idea. Perhaps that is why I have always felt as if I am on the outside looking in all my life. Perhaps that is why I have always felt a disconnect to other people. Yeah, Tanya and Steph say they've felt the same way, but I have an extremely difficult time believing them. Matter of fact, I have recently been having an extremely difficult time believing what anybody says. Mainly because of Hollie. She says that she's "ruined me for others". "Ruined" doesn't even begin to touch the hem of the garment of how I feel. "Ruined" is an understatement. And perhaps that is what I deserve. Shall I not drink the cup that has been poured out for me?
But I do not understand how Tanya can feel that way. She is beautiful and funny and I sense a magnetism to her personality that has the ability to draw people to her. She is, as far as I can tell, possessive of all those character traits that I do not have.
Perhaps that is why I have been thinking of telling Tanya to forget about me. She is much too amazing for me. She is much too good for me, and I know that sounds banal. But Tanya deserves to be happy. She loves Jake, and I get the feeling that I would become an obstacle in their relationship, and far be it from me to ever become that. Far be it from me to ever become that.