0726: a wish 4 dobby - Robby Smith
For those who actually like taco shows, here is the list of fics that were submitted for the pornish_pixies genderbender challenge. All in all, excellent evidence that the only real excuse for a taco show is pr0n.
This isn't a taco show. But it is a whole new type of fucked-up.
TITLE: a wish 4 dobby
PERPETRATOR: amiboshifangrrl
SUE-O-METER:
(toxic)
FULL NAME: Robby Smith
SPECIES: Human/Wizard
HAIR: 'wavy dk brown hair 2 his sholdres.'
EYES: 'cute choclat brown eyes'
MARKINGS: slightly pointy ears. For absolutely no detectable reason.
POSESSIONS: an old Quidditch trophy with a genie in it, and an extensive collection of mismatched socks.
ORIGIN: are you all sitting down? I mean, you probably are, being as you're at your computers, but I figured I'd better check. I really, really recommend sitting down, and swallow whatever you're drinking. All right. Ready? Okay, here goes: while cleaning out the trophy case one night, Dobby discovers that one of the trophies has a genie in it, which offers him three wishes. Dobby's first wish is to be human, but I guess the genie didn't quite hear him right, because it turned him into a Gary-Stu. Dumbledore takes this in stride, in standard fanon!Dumbledore fashion - i.e.: with a candy in his hand and a twinkle in his eye - and has 'Robby' sorted into Gryffindor.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: is kissing Hermione by chapter 3. Pass the bleach, please.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: can still do house-elf magic; apparating at Hogwarts and making things float without a wand. Amazingly, the author appears to know that apparating at Hogwarts is a canon no-no, because Hermione remarks on it.
NOTES: I'm sure there are higher intellects I could be borrowing descriptors from, but the words that this brings most strongly to mind are, in fact, Rob Schneider's: "this is unnatural in at least five ways!" (Well, okay, those are the words coming to mind most strongly that are actually intelligible. What's actually happening in my brain right now is the mental equivalent of a black screen with an 'Abort/Retry/Ignore?' prompt. Nevertheless, I soldier on.) I can list them:
1) Dobby wanting to be human. There are most worse offenses against characterization in this, but since this one is part of the premise, it kinda stands out. Dobby doesn't wish he were human. I don't think the idea would ever enter his head. He's happy being a house-elf. He just happens to like being fully dressed and getting paid.
2) Hot!Dobby. Bleach. Bleach! Sue!logic here is that Dobby was apparently a very handsome house-elf whom all the female house-elves used to sigh over, so he becomes a very handsome human. Which... yeah... but... bleach!
3) The author links to Liam Titcomb's website for if we want to know what 'Robby' looks like. Bitch, get out of my obscure music fandom! I spent $15.99 plus GST on that CD and now I will never, ever be able to listen to it again without thinking about your god-awful fanfic! Can't you please go listen to Pretty Boy Singing Group #36-B and leave my fandoms alone?
4) 'Robby'/Hermione. WHERE IS THAT BLEACH ALREADY?
5) Charming!Dobby. AUGH. Dumbledore gives him a crash course in proper English, and suddenly he's charming Hermione's socks off over a discussion of SPEW. I'm about to spew! GET IT AWAY!
The only reason I was able to keep reading this was because the characterization is so awful that the people in this story bear almost no resemblance to their canon selves. And even so, I'm going to go get really damn drunk now. Maybe enough alcohol will make pairing this stu with Hedwig-Sue seem like a good idea. In fact, I think the stu itself killed so many braincells that it already seems like a good idea.
SDGKHIENDkghiwndksnlweind.........
SAMPLE:
the next morning harry ron & hermoine came downstairs 4 breakfast and found a new person sitting at the griffindor table so they decided 2 go sit with him.
'hi' said harry 'u must be new im harry potter & whats ur name?'
'hi' said the new boy 'im um im robby yeah! and i know ur harry potter and ur friends r ronald weasley and hermoine granger'
'everybody knows im harry potter' said harry sadly 'i hate bing famos'
'u can call us ron and mya' said ron 'whats ur last name robby?'
'smith' said robby
hermoine didnt say nething becuz she couldnt stop staring at the new boy he wuz so hot! he had wavy dk brown hair 2 his sholdres and cute choclat brown eyes and a really cute face. 'hey r u a singer robby?' she asked
'huh no im not' he said 'why do u ask?'
'bcuz u look like the muggel singer liam ticomb' she said 'only u r much more handsom' omg did she really just say that?
'woah down girl' said ron
'what do u mean down girl?' hermoine asked
'u r hitting on him' said ron
'i am not!' said hermoine
'yes u r 2!'
'hey hermoine' said robby 'u do that thing 4 the house elves, right?'
'yeah, i do spew' she said 'do u want 2 join?'
'yes i would love 2' he said
hermoine looked at ron & harry 'u c somebody appreciates my hard work' she said.
This isn't a taco show. But it is a whole new type of fucked-up.
TITLE: a wish 4 dobby
PERPETRATOR: amiboshifangrrl
SUE-O-METER:
(toxic)
FULL NAME: Robby Smith
SPECIES: Human/Wizard
HAIR: 'wavy dk brown hair 2 his sholdres.'
EYES: 'cute choclat brown eyes'
MARKINGS: slightly pointy ears. For absolutely no detectable reason.
POSESSIONS: an old Quidditch trophy with a genie in it, and an extensive collection of mismatched socks.
ORIGIN: are you all sitting down? I mean, you probably are, being as you're at your computers, but I figured I'd better check. I really, really recommend sitting down, and swallow whatever you're drinking. All right. Ready? Okay, here goes: while cleaning out the trophy case one night, Dobby discovers that one of the trophies has a genie in it, which offers him three wishes. Dobby's first wish is to be human, but I guess the genie didn't quite hear him right, because it turned him into a Gary-Stu. Dumbledore takes this in stride, in standard fanon!Dumbledore fashion - i.e.: with a candy in his hand and a twinkle in his eye - and has 'Robby' sorted into Gryffindor.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: is kissing Hermione by chapter 3. Pass the bleach, please.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: can still do house-elf magic; apparating at Hogwarts and making things float without a wand. Amazingly, the author appears to know that apparating at Hogwarts is a canon no-no, because Hermione remarks on it.
NOTES: I'm sure there are higher intellects I could be borrowing descriptors from, but the words that this brings most strongly to mind are, in fact, Rob Schneider's: "this is unnatural in at least five ways!" (Well, okay, those are the words coming to mind most strongly that are actually intelligible. What's actually happening in my brain right now is the mental equivalent of a black screen with an 'Abort/Retry/Ignore?' prompt. Nevertheless, I soldier on.) I can list them:
1) Dobby wanting to be human. There are most worse offenses against characterization in this, but since this one is part of the premise, it kinda stands out. Dobby doesn't wish he were human. I don't think the idea would ever enter his head. He's happy being a house-elf. He just happens to like being fully dressed and getting paid.
2) Hot!Dobby. Bleach. Bleach! Sue!logic here is that Dobby was apparently a very handsome house-elf whom all the female house-elves used to sigh over, so he becomes a very handsome human. Which... yeah... but... bleach!
3) The author links to Liam Titcomb's website for if we want to know what 'Robby' looks like. Bitch, get out of my obscure music fandom! I spent $15.99 plus GST on that CD and now I will never, ever be able to listen to it again without thinking about your god-awful fanfic! Can't you please go listen to Pretty Boy Singing Group #36-B and leave my fandoms alone?
4) 'Robby'/Hermione. WHERE IS THAT BLEACH ALREADY?
5) Charming!Dobby. AUGH. Dumbledore gives him a crash course in proper English, and suddenly he's charming Hermione's socks off over a discussion of SPEW. I'm about to spew! GET IT AWAY!
The only reason I was able to keep reading this was because the characterization is so awful that the people in this story bear almost no resemblance to their canon selves. And even so, I'm going to go get really damn drunk now. Maybe enough alcohol will make pairing this stu with Hedwig-Sue seem like a good idea. In fact, I think the stu itself killed so many braincells that it already seems like a good idea.
SDGKHIENDkghiwndksnlweind.........
SAMPLE:
the next morning harry ron & hermoine came downstairs 4 breakfast and found a new person sitting at the griffindor table so they decided 2 go sit with him.
'hi' said harry 'u must be new im harry potter & whats ur name?'
'hi' said the new boy 'im um im robby yeah! and i know ur harry potter and ur friends r ronald weasley and hermoine granger'
'everybody knows im harry potter' said harry sadly 'i hate bing famos'
'u can call us ron and mya' said ron 'whats ur last name robby?'
'smith' said robby
hermoine didnt say nething becuz she couldnt stop staring at the new boy he wuz so hot! he had wavy dk brown hair 2 his sholdres and cute choclat brown eyes and a really cute face. 'hey r u a singer robby?' she asked
'huh no im not' he said 'why do u ask?'
'bcuz u look like the muggel singer liam ticomb' she said 'only u r much more handsom' omg did she really just say that?
'woah down girl' said ron
'what do u mean down girl?' hermoine asked
'u r hitting on him' said ron
'i am not!' said hermoine
'yes u r 2!'
'hey hermoine' said robby 'u do that thing 4 the house elves, right?'
'yeah, i do spew' she said 'do u want 2 join?'
'yes i would love 2' he said
hermoine looked at ron & harry 'u c somebody appreciates my hard work' she said.