0723: Birds and the Bees - Serena Panes/Severus Snape
Do you know what we haven't had for a while? An actual, honest-to-gosh Taco Show.
TITLE: Birds and the Bees
PERPETRATOR: BardofNirvana
SUE-O-METER:
(awful)
FULL NAME: Serena Panes, formerly Severus Snape
SPECIES: human/witch
HAIR: not described, probably black
EYES: not desribed, probably black
MARKINGS: none mentioned, I'm guessing a Dark Mark
POSESSIONS: 36 D breasts.
ORIGIN: Peter Pettigrew was supposed to poison Snape (does Voldemort not have a better way of killing people?) but messed it up and turned him into a teenage girl instead. A teenage girl with very large breasts. This is mentioned a lot.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Used to be Severus Snape.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: none mentioned.
NOTES: 'Serena' claims to be a transfer student from Transylvania. Sadly, she/he/it is in no way sweet, and since she/he/it is technically female at the moment, I suppose not a transvestite, either. Damn.
SAMPLE:
Snape could hear voices coming to his ears at a great distance. He felt groggy as he opened his eyes. Snape was lying on a bed that was not his. Come to think of it, this room wasn’t his either. As he sat up; his head throbbed. He looked around the room; he was in headquarters to the Order of the Phoenix. Did I fall asleep during a meeting, he wondered. Snape got out of bed and tried to stand, but fell to the ground as pain shot through his leg. Finally, he remembered the night before.
“I’m still alive?” he muttered. He used the bed to pull himself off the floor. He felt something tug at his chest and he felt like something was missing. Now that he thought about it his robes were a bit looser on him too. Using the bed for support, Snape walked to the mirror on the door. The first thing he noticed was the gauze pad on his cheek; the second thing he noticed was a bulge on his chest. Snape quickly pulled off his robes. He was wearing boxers and a green T-shirt. He gave a small jump; the bulges jiggled. “What the ?” his voice was higher pitched and a little croaky. He quickly looked down his shirt. Upon seeing what rest on his chest, he quickly grabbed between his legs.
“OH MY GOD! I’M A WOMAN!” Snape rushed backwards and tripped on his robes and his bad leg. He fell into the foot of the bed, making a loud bang. Snape heard a rush of footsteps come up the stairs.
“Severus,” it was Remus Lupin, “are you alright?” Lupin sounded concerned. The door to the bedroom opened and Nymphadora Tonks, Arthur Weasley, and Remus Lupin walked into the room. Snape quickly drew his knees up to his chin to hide his protruding chest.
“Go away,” he said coldly.
“What’s with your voice?” Tonks asked. “Did you get hit between the legs?”
Snape glared at her. Arthur walked over to where Snape was and attempted to help him up by the arm. Snape however pulled his arm away.
Clunk, clunk, clunk. “What’s the problem here? Why did you scream Snape?” Mad-Eye Moody stood in the door way, his electric blue eye spinning in every direction. The eye came to rest on Snape. “What the hell?” Moody flipped on a light switch. Not only was Snape female, but he also looked over twenty years younger. Moody gave a lopsided grin. “Add insult to injury, eh Snape?”
“Shut up!” Snape squeaked. He put a hand over his mouth. Tonks burst out laughing as did Moody. Lupin had to cover his mouth to keep from doing the same. Arthur smiled.
“Tonks,” he said, “do you have any clothes he could borrow?”
“He needs a bra,” Moody said when he stopped laughing.
“What’s a bra?” Snape asked. He felt his face turn red when everyone started laughing again. “What’s so funny?”
Lupin walked over and helped Snape to his feet. “Tonks has been staying here for awhile since her apartment is being renovated. She should have some clothes that you could borrow.”
“Pants, maybe, but she needs at least a large in a shirt,” Tonks laughed. “Her chest is twice as large as mine!”
“What about the shirt you said was too big last night?” Lupin asked. “That one might work.”
When Tonks stopped laughing she told him it was a possibility. She went out of the room then returned shortly with a pile of clothes in her arms.
“Out,” she said. As everyone cleared the room, Tonks gave a loud sigh. “Now how do you explain the purpose of a bra?”
Snape, by some miracle managed to get dressed. It was his personal opinion that a sport’s bra was the most uncomfortable thing in the world and to his distress, the one that Tonks loaned him had to be magically enlarged to fit his large bust size.
Tonks helped Snape down the steps. In the living room, Snape saw the only thing that could make his situation worse: the Weasley twins.
“Fred, they weren’t joking!”
“Nice, he really is a woman.”
“Oh no,” Snape said as the twins ran over to him.
“They’re huge,” George said, staring at Snape’s chest.
“I’ve never seen them that big before.”
“Except on pop stars.”
“True.”
“Enough you two,” Lupin said. Tonks helped Snape sit down in a chair near the fireplace. She sat down next to Lupin.
“What happened?” Tonks asked. “Hagrid said he found you passed out in a graveyard near here.”
Snape told them what had happened. He spared them no detail. They were quiet while he spoke; even the twins hung onto his every word. When Snape was done, Lupin was the first to speak.
“I guess Pettigrew screwed up the potion,” he said. “It’s no surprise really. He never could do something right.”
Snape stood up as soon as everyone else did, but Moody motioned for Snape to stay where he was. Fred and George walked over to Snape as everyone else walked into the kitchen.
“What do you two want?” Snape asked coldly. Then, when they both burst out laughing, Snape understood. “One word of this to anyone,” he said menacingly, “and you two will not be able to wake the next morning.” He particularly looked at George who already seemed to be formulating some sort of devious plan.
George rested his arm on Snape’s shoulder and looked up in the air as if pondering the demise of Snape’s rather intimidating reputation.
“I don’t think so my little Snapette,” he said rather coolly. “You see, we’ve graduated. You don’t control us anymore.”
“Not that you ever did in the first place,” interjected Fred, who had bee unable to speak until now due to an uncontrollable fit of laughter, clutching his side to keep it from hurting.
“Right, right,” continued George, “but the fact of the matter is, you have no authority over us anymore. You may be seventy-something years old -“
“I’m forty-two,” Snape growled. George continued as though uninterrupted.
“-in other cases, but in this particular situation, you look to be about-“ he looked her over and made a rough estimate, “I’d say about sixteen, maybe seventeen.”
“Which makes you younger than us,” interjected Fred again.
“Which means we have seniority,” added George. They both smiled sinisterly with a hint of smugness. Snape had seen this look before; it was never a good sign.
“Why do I get the feeling I won’t survive this with all my limbs intact?”
Still clutching his side, Fred bellowed, “Well, you’re already missing a major appendage!” Both Fred and George doubled over laughing belligerently, while Snape’s left eyebrow twitched in annoyance.
Lupin and the others came out of the kitchen. He looked at Snape. “I know you won’t like this,” Lupin said, “but you’ll have to stay in that body for at least another month and a half.”
“WHAT!” Snape yelled. The twins broke into a fit of laughter. “WHY!”
“We don’t know how to reverse the spell,” Tonks said.
“Dumbledore might,” Lupin said, “but he’s abroad doing errands for the Order.”
“He won’t be back until the start of term,” Moody said, grinning. “It looks like you’ll have to deal with those doorknockers until then.” The twins laughed even harder. Moody looked at them. “You two are also forbidden to tell anyone who this girl is.” The twins groaned in disappointment. “We can’t risk the Death Eaters realizing that Snape is still alive.”
Snape gave a sigh of relief. At least no one else had to find out about this horrible predicament, he thought. Tonks stared at Snape.
“We do have to find you some clothes though,” she said. “I don’t find it appealing to have to share with you for the next six weeks.”
“I don’t have to dress like a girl.”
“You should. I would look less suspicious.”
“Does the word tom-boy mean anything to you?”
“The entire Order agreed on it.” Everyone nodded and Snape looked sour.
“I didn’t agree to this,” Snape muttered. “Am I no longer part of the Order?” Tonks grabbed onto Snape’s arm and led him to the door. He fell over and moaned. “If you haven’t forgotten,” he hissed, “I can’t walk.” Arthur suddenly looked thoughtful.
“I have a solution,” he said, grinning.
TITLE: Birds and the Bees
PERPETRATOR: BardofNirvana
SUE-O-METER:
(awful)
FULL NAME: Serena Panes, formerly Severus Snape
SPECIES: human/witch
HAIR: not described, probably black
EYES: not desribed, probably black
MARKINGS: none mentioned, I'm guessing a Dark Mark
POSESSIONS: 36 D breasts.
ORIGIN: Peter Pettigrew was supposed to poison Snape (does Voldemort not have a better way of killing people?) but messed it up and turned him into a teenage girl instead. A teenage girl with very large breasts. This is mentioned a lot.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Used to be Severus Snape.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: none mentioned.
NOTES: 'Serena' claims to be a transfer student from Transylvania. Sadly, she/he/it is in no way sweet, and since she/he/it is technically female at the moment, I suppose not a transvestite, either. Damn.
SAMPLE:
Snape could hear voices coming to his ears at a great distance. He felt groggy as he opened his eyes. Snape was lying on a bed that was not his. Come to think of it, this room wasn’t his either. As he sat up; his head throbbed. He looked around the room; he was in headquarters to the Order of the Phoenix. Did I fall asleep during a meeting, he wondered. Snape got out of bed and tried to stand, but fell to the ground as pain shot through his leg. Finally, he remembered the night before.
“I’m still alive?” he muttered. He used the bed to pull himself off the floor. He felt something tug at his chest and he felt like something was missing. Now that he thought about it his robes were a bit looser on him too. Using the bed for support, Snape walked to the mirror on the door. The first thing he noticed was the gauze pad on his cheek; the second thing he noticed was a bulge on his chest. Snape quickly pulled off his robes. He was wearing boxers and a green T-shirt. He gave a small jump; the bulges jiggled. “What the ?” his voice was higher pitched and a little croaky. He quickly looked down his shirt. Upon seeing what rest on his chest, he quickly grabbed between his legs.
“OH MY GOD! I’M A WOMAN!” Snape rushed backwards and tripped on his robes and his bad leg. He fell into the foot of the bed, making a loud bang. Snape heard a rush of footsteps come up the stairs.
“Severus,” it was Remus Lupin, “are you alright?” Lupin sounded concerned. The door to the bedroom opened and Nymphadora Tonks, Arthur Weasley, and Remus Lupin walked into the room. Snape quickly drew his knees up to his chin to hide his protruding chest.
“Go away,” he said coldly.
“What’s with your voice?” Tonks asked. “Did you get hit between the legs?”
Snape glared at her. Arthur walked over to where Snape was and attempted to help him up by the arm. Snape however pulled his arm away.
Clunk, clunk, clunk. “What’s the problem here? Why did you scream Snape?” Mad-Eye Moody stood in the door way, his electric blue eye spinning in every direction. The eye came to rest on Snape. “What the hell?” Moody flipped on a light switch. Not only was Snape female, but he also looked over twenty years younger. Moody gave a lopsided grin. “Add insult to injury, eh Snape?”
“Shut up!” Snape squeaked. He put a hand over his mouth. Tonks burst out laughing as did Moody. Lupin had to cover his mouth to keep from doing the same. Arthur smiled.
“Tonks,” he said, “do you have any clothes he could borrow?”
“He needs a bra,” Moody said when he stopped laughing.
“What’s a bra?” Snape asked. He felt his face turn red when everyone started laughing again. “What’s so funny?”
Lupin walked over and helped Snape to his feet. “Tonks has been staying here for awhile since her apartment is being renovated. She should have some clothes that you could borrow.”
“Pants, maybe, but she needs at least a large in a shirt,” Tonks laughed. “Her chest is twice as large as mine!”
“What about the shirt you said was too big last night?” Lupin asked. “That one might work.”
When Tonks stopped laughing she told him it was a possibility. She went out of the room then returned shortly with a pile of clothes in her arms.
“Out,” she said. As everyone cleared the room, Tonks gave a loud sigh. “Now how do you explain the purpose of a bra?”
Snape, by some miracle managed to get dressed. It was his personal opinion that a sport’s bra was the most uncomfortable thing in the world and to his distress, the one that Tonks loaned him had to be magically enlarged to fit his large bust size.
Tonks helped Snape down the steps. In the living room, Snape saw the only thing that could make his situation worse: the Weasley twins.
“Fred, they weren’t joking!”
“Nice, he really is a woman.”
“Oh no,” Snape said as the twins ran over to him.
“They’re huge,” George said, staring at Snape’s chest.
“I’ve never seen them that big before.”
“Except on pop stars.”
“True.”
“Enough you two,” Lupin said. Tonks helped Snape sit down in a chair near the fireplace. She sat down next to Lupin.
“What happened?” Tonks asked. “Hagrid said he found you passed out in a graveyard near here.”
Snape told them what had happened. He spared them no detail. They were quiet while he spoke; even the twins hung onto his every word. When Snape was done, Lupin was the first to speak.
“I guess Pettigrew screwed up the potion,” he said. “It’s no surprise really. He never could do something right.”
Snape stood up as soon as everyone else did, but Moody motioned for Snape to stay where he was. Fred and George walked over to Snape as everyone else walked into the kitchen.
“What do you two want?” Snape asked coldly. Then, when they both burst out laughing, Snape understood. “One word of this to anyone,” he said menacingly, “and you two will not be able to wake the next morning.” He particularly looked at George who already seemed to be formulating some sort of devious plan.
George rested his arm on Snape’s shoulder and looked up in the air as if pondering the demise of Snape’s rather intimidating reputation.
“I don’t think so my little Snapette,” he said rather coolly. “You see, we’ve graduated. You don’t control us anymore.”
“Not that you ever did in the first place,” interjected Fred, who had bee unable to speak until now due to an uncontrollable fit of laughter, clutching his side to keep it from hurting.
“Right, right,” continued George, “but the fact of the matter is, you have no authority over us anymore. You may be seventy-something years old -“
“I’m forty-two,” Snape growled. George continued as though uninterrupted.
“-in other cases, but in this particular situation, you look to be about-“ he looked her over and made a rough estimate, “I’d say about sixteen, maybe seventeen.”
“Which makes you younger than us,” interjected Fred again.
“Which means we have seniority,” added George. They both smiled sinisterly with a hint of smugness. Snape had seen this look before; it was never a good sign.
“Why do I get the feeling I won’t survive this with all my limbs intact?”
Still clutching his side, Fred bellowed, “Well, you’re already missing a major appendage!” Both Fred and George doubled over laughing belligerently, while Snape’s left eyebrow twitched in annoyance.
Lupin and the others came out of the kitchen. He looked at Snape. “I know you won’t like this,” Lupin said, “but you’ll have to stay in that body for at least another month and a half.”
“WHAT!” Snape yelled. The twins broke into a fit of laughter. “WHY!”
“We don’t know how to reverse the spell,” Tonks said.
“Dumbledore might,” Lupin said, “but he’s abroad doing errands for the Order.”
“He won’t be back until the start of term,” Moody said, grinning. “It looks like you’ll have to deal with those doorknockers until then.” The twins laughed even harder. Moody looked at them. “You two are also forbidden to tell anyone who this girl is.” The twins groaned in disappointment. “We can’t risk the Death Eaters realizing that Snape is still alive.”
Snape gave a sigh of relief. At least no one else had to find out about this horrible predicament, he thought. Tonks stared at Snape.
“We do have to find you some clothes though,” she said. “I don’t find it appealing to have to share with you for the next six weeks.”
“I don’t have to dress like a girl.”
“You should. I would look less suspicious.”
“Does the word tom-boy mean anything to you?”
“The entire Order agreed on it.” Everyone nodded and Snape looked sour.
“I didn’t agree to this,” Snape muttered. “Am I no longer part of the Order?” Tonks grabbed onto Snape’s arm and led him to the door. He fell over and moaned. “If you haven’t forgotten,” he hissed, “I can’t walk.” Arthur suddenly looked thoughtful.
“I have a solution,” he said, grinning.